An important aspect of my nine video life story.

The concept of the nine videos of my life story, presented in the sidebar of this blog and also collected in a youtube playlist, is that getting the whole story is a different experience from getting information from any less complete source about my life during the time covered by the videos. This is probably true of anyone and the common use of video exurpts of reality show participants in private explaining their actions presented on the air, if it antedates my nine videos, may have been inspired by my example, and a much appreciated inspiration for my part as it is one bit of evidence that someone took my videos seriously. I hope this acknowledgement doesn't diminish the value served by them because of committed enemies, who don't consider anything I do worthy and are willing to manipulate events to that end, getting word of this claim of a positive influence.

Why I like my apartment.

I am very pleased with my apartment here in East Garfield Park.

There are two reasons. One is that it's a large one-bedroom. The other is that it overlooks Garfield Park, which is loaded with greenery.

I wish to express my great appreciation for the expertise and care that went into making sure that my living arrangements became more favorable than they were at Bryn Mawr Care.

The power of pretty in the United States.

I have become aware in thinking about my appearance as I make the transition to female that there is a considerable weight given by a certain fraction of the population in the United States to physical beauty, such that, it seems, agreements among physically beautiful people can take on an importance of the highest magnitude. As a female I can see the point, though as a male I couldn't really. I find the desire to look good a strong effect as a female, one that works at all times. I'm not sure if this is or isn't a result of being a biological male having lived until now as a behavioral male. I wonder in this whether my being blacklisted is related to this issue. They don't want people advancing into powerful positions of any sort who don't at least acknowledge beauty as a social merit, all other things being equal. That's my guess. I am more concerned about my perspective now as a female with some degree of such an acknowledgement as this, and everything is on a different timeline.

Official beginning of being a female.

My conversion from male to female has officially begun, as my state IDs now say I am a female. The doctor approved me for feminizing hormones on Monday and my appointment for orientation to the hormones before they begin is August 30. I am accumulating a full set of female clothing and have started dressing as a female full-time. Yesterday I had my ears pierced. One of the biggest challenges at this point is arousing others to see me as pretty. People have been variously supportive and insulting, but the memorable instances are the positive ones. My brother Dave and his wife Rita had previously informed me that if I am crossdressing they don't want me in their home, so I will have to adapt to having no family anymore. My sisters either don't speak to me or say very little, a situation of long standing having nothing to do with transgender issues. Three of my friends have expressed support. The rest haven't said anything.

The name I have chosen to circulate among my acquaintences is Ise Alexandra Batek. Ise was the name of the wife of noted architect Walter Gropius. I met her on an open house to her home with the architects I was working with in the Boston area. She cornered me in a corridor and told me she thought I didn't look like a James, more like a Phillip. Phillip of Macedonia was the father of Alexander the Great, thus the middle name of Alexandra. The last name will go if I get married. I have reconciled with not having my own children. I'm a blank page as far as men go. I'm not worrying about it. I'm getting used to letting go of all my male impulses and taking up the female ones.

After one year of hormones I will be eligible for sex reassignment surgery. I am told it might be possible to get a grant for that. I am hoping to get one as Medicare and Medicaid don't cover it, though they do cover hormones. Male to female surgery is said to be more successful at this stage of medical progress than female to male surgery. They make a "neovagina" with the skin from your removed testicles and a clitoris from the head of your removed penis. I saw a video of part of the procedure and it was disturbing, but the further I get along in my conversion the less I care about keeping my male genitals. Although I can change my name anytime, like anyone, I can't change the sex on my birth certificate until I have the surgery. Plus a name change costs over $300.

The law in Illinois prohibits harassment or discrimination against anyone because of their gender expression. So far nothing prompting me to prosecute has occurred. Lots of stares, some guffaws, and a few bold questions, but also some smiles and complimentary comments. I feel very much that the community of women is beckoning me to take part in their adventure, despite a contingent of those who do not seem ready to have me as a part of their community.

My intentions in the matter of my gender.

I am going ahead with consultations with the doctor on my gender identity disorder. I had suspended consultations indefinitely after one visit to him in which he seemed ready to procede based on the fact that no actual clot had been found in me when I had a gangrenous bowel in 2008. At that time I was told by the doctors handling the surgery that the only possible cause of a gangrenous bowel is a blood clot, and that they therefore were of the opinion I did have one. I suspended consultations about transgendering because I was concerned that the doctor there was indicating he was ready to procede and my personal opinion at the time was that this was improper.

In the interim I have found it impossible to continue being a male and this has changed my opinion of the risks involved with transgendering. I now feel that if the doctor decides that the facts are in favor of proceding, then I will do so. It is better in my view to live as a female with a risk of a clot, which could have a number of dire consequences, than to live as a male, a path that has proven of no interest to me other than to parade around the fact that I am a male just for its own sake.

But there is the chance at present that the doctor will decide, for whatever reason, that it is not proper to procede with hormones and surgery to make me a female. In that instance I have now settled my mind that I would go ahead with beginning public cross dressing and change my gender by common law after letting people in general know that is my intent, using a chosen female name. I do not like the thought of being a biological male while living as a female. There are plumbing issues that are unpalatable, and without hormone therapy there would be a lot of obstacles to smooth functioning in a female identity. Plus, there is a great deal less legal support for a common law arrangement than having the law accept a change of gender and name on my birth certificate, which it would only do if I were approved for hormone therapy.

One thing that encourages me is that in Illinois it is illegal to discriminate against or harass someone for his choice of gender identity. This includes simply cross dressing.

I want to begin cross dressing in public again only once the doctor has made a final decision of whether to approve hormone therapy or not. I will need to prepare myself going into it for exactly the condition under which I will be operating, the alternatives being so radically different.

I wish to note that in the event I am able to get hormone treatment and surgery, there will be no biological heirs for me and I would share my best work freely with the world. If I end up retaining the ability to have biological heirs because of inability to get hormones and surgery, I would continue not to share the best work, saving it for my heirs as a competitive advantage in life in general.
I look forward to a much happier and healthier life as a female, and will continue throughout to exercise those functions which have been alotted to me as a person of some standing in the universe. I have much yet to accomplish and many ideas on how to go about it.

Why I support Barack Obama for reelection as President.

I support Barack Obama for reelection as President of the United States because of two major accomplishments during his time in office thus far.

One is passage of the Affordable Care Healthcare Bill. I consider this an accomplishment regardless of the merits of the bill. It was a controversial bill. Passage required an enormous political endeavor reaching to all parts of the country and its government and institutions. I am not an expert in general healthcare and I don't presume to be able to argue competently the merits of the bill one way or another. The fact that it seems a reasonable measure, in times where there are people advocating extreme measures in large quantity, is merit enough for me. What convinces me that this is an accomplishment is that it qualifies the President as a man able to get controversial measures passed in Congress, and now approved by the Supreme Court. I don't think this would have been a quality many would have guessed he had in him leading up to his election.

The other accomplishment is the killing of Osama bin Laden. Operations of all kinds, including Special Operations such as this one, depend very greatly on cool heads and sound reasoning from those in command. Without taking away from the obviously superlatve work by the team that carried out the mission, one cannot say that this President lacks military acumen, and that is proven here at the ultimate level of President. The challenging opponent cannot say that.

As for the performance of the economy there is nothing anyone can do to guarantee over a small time interval such as four years that it will do well. The President has done much, as much as any person without a Ph.D. in economics can do, and has relied as he should on counsel. My own view is colored by ecological factors accounting for the crash of 2008, so there is not much I can inject effectively into political debate. The challenger is no better that the President in having to rely on advisors here.

For these reasons I support the President in his bid for reelection. It gives me no pause, having said that, that I wish for the best man to win.

Understanding the case of the Aurora massacre.

In broad political terms, rather than analytical scientific ones, the Aurora massacre is to be understood for its effect on the social and political framework in which the incident occured and is occurring. This broad effect, we can all guess fairly well, will amount to a stress on the system. The participants in this system, largely limited to just the United States population, are equally, under the hypothesis that bacteria regulate all CNSs, regulated by bacteria like the alleged shooter. But as the hypothesis holds that human violent tendencies are controlled by bacteria and used to offset human idiosyncratic practices of treatment of corpses, the play that this massacre gets in the media and under discussion will all take a turn in keeping with the hidden agenda of bacteria. There is no doubt in my mind that bacteria are responsible for all crimes just as all wars, and also for all the greatest achievements of men, or more properly said, must be assigned an equal share in such responsibility given that the exact proportion is way beyond the current state of progress of scientific argument about bacterial regulation of CNSs, and probably is not a simple proportion anyway but rather a complex array of weights regarding the myriad factors that determine mammal behavior, or indeed any animal behavior.

If we withdraw the measure of penalty for crime then we must necessarily also withdraw the reward for enterprise, which is the protection under the law for men to keep the fruits of their labor, for without bacteria labor would not be fruitful. While withdrawing penalty inspires a certain altruistic sympathy, withdrawing protection of fruits can safely be assumed to have no sympathizers outside of a miniscule set of extremists, or those criminals who fail to project beyond the initial booty. Yet these two changes of law would be equally necessary under an, excessively  naive, revision under the hypothesis. Evidently a morph of the hypothesis to theory status would parallel developments with respect to the actual extent of shared responsibility with bacteria, and what revisions to law are necessarily called for on scientific grounds. Every implication of the hypothesis, at the current level of evidence, requires for its appreciation a vastly greater scale of time assissment than the perspective of law today. The course of events that lead to a man doing something like the Aurora massacre involve interventions, and taken opportunities leading to establishing a territorial hegemony, by bacteria at key times and places across millions, but moreso even billions of years.

The results of careful observation and deliberation will alone settle the matter, for it is well enough along in discussion that an end of uncertainty is within expectation, since a place for the discussion has been prepared here and, to some extent, elsewhere.

a suggested new astronomical term

It seems to me there is a small step of progress which could be attained by grouping together stars with planets in a single category, planets being defined according to the new definition of the International Astronomical Union, in 2006, that omits Pluto. The attainment of hydrostatic equilibrium, one of the new criteria of the IAU for planets, is shared by stars, and in my view enables a body to operate on a certain level that is no different whether planet or star, and needs to be recognized in civilization by a new term if this level is to get the attention it needs for fruition. The term I suggest for this category is astremity, a borrowing from the word extremity, which characterizes a filling of a certain space with form and which suggests the idea of curvature filling a certain space to form a planet or star.

A speculation about what caused me to become psychotic in 1974

I have cast about wildly looking for the reason I became psychotic in 1974, drawing together extended combinations of events, not reaching any one such drawing of much more certainty than another.

It may however be simple.

Just before I began the full-blown psychotic marathon of three days or so, within a few days of it, I was assigned to work on a model for the housing section of the Abu Dhabi architectural team at The Architects Collaborative in Cambridge, MA. Soren Rono, the head of the housing section, gave me the assignment, a definite opportunity for me to show my talents.

I was given a space in which to work. It was the office supplies room, a roughly five foot by seven foot square space with a foot and a half diameter column in the middle of it. A door was in place on supports, against the wall of the space. That was my work table. There were no windows.

This was not enough space to do serious work in.

But my mission was to do what I was asked to do, especially when it was architecture-related work such as this was. I did not permit myself to consider my comfort. Another person might have complained. I was not a complainer.

This was not in this case a good character trait. It led to me sitting at the table wallowing in the details of the work and reaching a point where all I could do was sit and stare at the materials at hand. Soren popped his head in the door, and not recognizing that the space was too small assessed the situation as a failure on my part. He gave me a sympathetic but disappointed look and said he would take over, not verbally expressing his assessment of what I was doing. He did not have to move into the space there. He had his own layout that was plenty big in another room in the office, the housing section room with several other architects, and some windows. Each architect in the firm had at least two working tables each about three feet by six feet.

This is the reason I went psychotic. I lost my grip on reality, my tenacity to be effective in all circumstances. I lost my sense of self-defense. All this because I couldn't draw a line where I saw trespass occurring on my rights. I hope I am able to incorporate this understanding of my basic wits into my life now and start speaking up for my needs. Mission and my comfort need to be reconciled before I reach the point of disaster in my means of living.

This is an issue that first surfaced in my freshman year at Yale when I conceived of my mission being to work independently from all other groups in some city's ghetto. I reflected that it would require a large discomfort. I didn't consider it all with responsibility that would make it a done deal. The next year I simply dropped the whole thing when I took a girlfriend and wasn't able to incorporate my mission into the idea of having a life partner. I never confided in anyone the degree of severity of life I was anticipating, making for a night-mare of unvocalized personal motives, one of which was not complaining when my mission, whatever it morphed into, led to my personal discomfort.

This is obviously not the end of all this.

the Aurora massacre and bacterial regulation of CNSs

My perspective on the massacre in the Aurora movie theatre is that it brings up the question of whether it can be determined that it was, or wasn't, a result of bacterial regulation of the shooter's central nervous system, and since the suspect was a Ph.D. candidate in neuroscience this question is steeped in implications bearing on regulation of CNSs by bacteria, if it is in fact a valid hypothesis.

The first look, in investigating the evidence for regulation, must be directed first at whatever level of bacterial organization deals with the whole of animal taxonomy, for it is that level at which one species will be found to be measured in its value to bacteria compared to other species. Day to day events, particularly in a time of international peace, can be expected to get their examination by bacteria at a lower place in the division of labor that characterizes bacterial regulation, than the level of comparison of the species, and may not exhibit any recognizable traits if the investigation limits itself to details strictly within Homo sapiens.

Examination of bacterial organization of regulation of the whole animal population will be unfruitful if animals are considered the way humans typically, if not universally, view animal hierarchies within a species. In my experience animals have highly differentiated ranks, and evidence to this fact is not allowed to be witnessed by those who do not value highly the logistical powers of all species, which is mainly a valuation that comes about when logistics of one's own species is viewed as the only game in town. Animal species certainly are better understood by bacteria than by Homo sapiens. For Homo sapiens to understand bacteria better than they do now, I can only offer the suggestion that contact is only possible if one separates himself from the paradigm that "God gave Man dominion over the Earth." A delusion is no less so when it is adhered to by nearly a whole species. Communication with the higher ranks of another species is only possible if one sets down his immersive habit of language use and asks himself what does he really have that is more than a convention. It is that freedom from convention that typifies communication between the higher ranks of animals, and which is regarded as noise by humanity.

On the various types of bacteria in the matter of their regulation of CNSs.

In shaping a new approach to the human habitat as a result of the hypothesis that bacteria regulate all animal CNSs it is apparent that the different types of bacteria that exist need to be better interrelated. It is my view that there is in relations between bacteria a demonstration of a division of labor, even more developed than that which exists in the world's many national economies. This division can be basically framed as being in two groups, one which operates directly on central nervous systems, and one which serves to keep them under some sort of accessibility by degrading the self-control of the individual animal, through effects on the many internal organs and members of the body and their functioning.

Animals must inhale and exhale and this makes it impossible to prevent some access to and from the body by bacteria. But also, animals have contact with the ground, and this provides a certain tendency to allow an incursion of bacteria through the outer covering, whether that be skin or some other covering. Once inside the body an advanced form of division of labor, keeping the central nervous system penetrated or enveloped or both, by bacteria, becomes an economical operation. Buildings, ventilation systems, cleaning methods, and clothing, all intercede in access of bacteria to human bodies, but also provide reservoirs that allow it.

What emerges is a field of operation rich in possibililties for metabolic reward for bacteria. Success of a species comes about under the regulatory actions of bacteria, and when it reaches its zenith bacteria is in a prime position to enjoy the CNS vitality as a place with access to stable conditions and priority of measures to maintain those. Perhaps at the top of the division of labor is the group that dwells in or near the CNS. This is only a "perhaps" because regulation raises the possibility of the existence of ranks of bacteria higher than the dwellers in and near CNSs, which must be in a more orderly position so that the many species being regulated, including Homo sapiens, can be kept in some sort of general state of bounty for use by bacteria, or enabled to adaptively evolve so that the bounty to bacteria increases or dangers to it neutralized.

Such a system would only respond favorably to a discovery of it if that discovery recognizes the fact that bacterial regulation has been an agent in the rise to prominence of Homo sapiens, and that continuation or growth of that prominence depends on approval by bacterial ranks in charge of the evolution of animals. Pride and shame are in for a revolutionary awakening, possibly a rude one. It is not just intelligence that must succomb to a new view of ecology, but every hard-won human attribute, all the way to spirituality and will. Shame and guilt must suffer the same demise. Depending on how successful the investigation of regulation of CNSs is, so will improvement come about from the discovery. It may come down to a matter of individual readiness to investigate the hypothesis that determines whether an individual benefits from it or is simply shunted into one or another circle of ignorance, the current general state being one such circle already.

No confidence in Syrian Government.

I assert that my vote is against the Syrian government and their loyalist supporters, and in favor of the rebels. This vote is substantially an affirmation of the consensus of Western powers, as I believe they are developing their arguments along lines of growth throughout the world of the principle of democracy, and I concur in that line of argument. I understand that information about fighting in Syria depends on your source, and in such a state of flux the most that can be said by those outside the conflict is a broad statement of allignment with the side one feels is most just, and the most that can be hoped for is a turning of the conflict by accumulation of favorable supposedly random events to that more just side.

The key challenge to a world under one constitution--vandalism.

In a world united under one constitution it would seem that there would be one fundamental challenge, other than the myriad acute challenges of political power, and that would be vandalism in a world where blame for all behavioral failings is laid to bacteria. Such a world would be deprived of its current answer to vandalism--punishment. How could vandalism be prevented from spinning out of control and destroying civilization from within?

This is a problem no one has considered, because bacteria are deemed incapaable of intelligent behavior.

Here I am using the term vandalism to include all crime, up to and including terrorism.

Much depends on how well the argument that bacteria regulate all central nervous systems goes, and with which groups and individuals. That also will determine whether the world will ever unify under one constitution.

Much also depends on how much understanding of misfortune comes about, and what government decides is rightfully addressed, as a result of a successful argument about bacteria.

I see no reason why humans shouldn't seek a symbiotic steady-state with bacteria, something on the lines of what some insects have. If human leadership is able to understand the argument but the masses are not, as I suspect will be the case, then a serious schism will come about that will give serious power to those who understand, and a more stable environment for others. In a sense, everyone stands to gain significantly.

On a public monarchy in America.

When I was initially made First by the Italian monarchy in Chicago I kept it to myself and I don't remember the occasion of my first telling someone. I never told anyone about it over the phone or other telecommunications device before I uploaded my videos telling the story of my life in three hours to Google Video in 2006 and after that put them onto the sidebar here in this blog. I believe there were a few people I told in person or gave the dvd of the videos to, months or years after becoming First. This gave to those people who, among the Italian monarchy in Chicago, knew of my elevation a long time to prepare for an eventual informing of x number of people by myself and possibly more by public announcement or second-hand and so on information from me. Such preparations may never have been made, or may have been made. I do not know.

My principal concern in this is for the possibility of word of this event reaching another monarchy in the United States. I am not certain what the consequences of that would be for myself and for the rest of the nation. I have not seen any evidence certainly that it has occurred. I must reckon that a monarchy in the United States would take someone's unheralded claim to be First of another monarchy as a form of challenge to its own power. I would guess that a new First would usually rely on his entourage to inform those in need of knowing of the fact, so that it could be done without creating a conflict of power. I have no entourage. I could have initiated one but I chose not to, as it seemed to me this would weaken my contact with the population. In retrospect, this has been a good choice for exactly that reason.

Now that my living circumstances have stabilized I am in a position to speculate that being First without an entourage gives me certain opportunities that others of my species might find favorable for themselves, such as the opportunity to express my view of the history and present day state of affairs of Chicago, the United States, and the human species. I say that such expressions might be favorable to others only because I have a standard of expression that tends in the direction of truth, as some may agree is the case and some may disagree. I find the opinion, held by some, that, because of my hypothesis concerning the regulation of all animal CNSs by bacteria, I am a crackpot, to make it impossible for me to honor my audience with the benefit of the doubt in the matter of whether I tend toward the truth in my expressions. I must insist that I do, and I will pursue my views of history and the present with forthright intent to make my case if I feel there is sufficient reason to believe that my view is necessary for the truth to emerge on any issue of importance to the species.

I do not expect that I can direct this species by merely a notice of instruction. If I know that a man is better off doing A than doing B then the only way I am going to get him to do A is by giving him an argument he can understand in A's favor. In most matters of general welfare any two alternatives A and B will be so complex that such an argument will be embedded in numerous envelopes of professional knowledge. Most such argument will be better omitted and simple observations made to serve to move us all in the direction of seeing the matter more clearly so that the poplulation is as a result easier to work with, not to mention happier.

I would like to make it apparent that I am very conscious of my responsibility to speak as a First of an American monarchy, to do so without fear and with the good of the population always at heart. We all know there are errors of both omission and commission and I take both seriously. One thing I particularly don't want to omit is the fact that I owe a great deal to the Chicago Italian monarchy. My hope is that I have served well, confirmed some expectations, and quashed some reservations, in the twenty some years I have been First. I look to some further duration in this capacity and don't view it with any dimmer optimism than that with which I began it in 1993. I have yet to marry and still consider it possible, including having children. I have no prospective lady at this time.

One goal I have set for myself is to see the world open itself to a resolution of the accounting differences between the nations' economies, a necessary precursor, I believe, to unification of the species into one constitutional body. The obstacles are enormous, but my understanding is that they exist because bacteria want to maintain a path to war so that there is a penalty for humans burying their dead in coffins. It may be a confusing issue, but I feel it would require as much bother for humans to abandon coffins as it would for them to solve all the technical difficulties of unifying the economies. Neither seems to be the likely course to lasting peace, if one exists. But humans may be able to understand regulation by bacteria of their central nervous systems, or at least those among them who recognize sound scientific speculation at work in my hypothesis, and there is yet some chance that there are some. A partnership between myself and them would be good for everyone, for different reasons those who see my sense and those who don't.

This seems enough of an introduction to my view of life among the humans and I will take my leave with good wishes to all.

A hypothesis that bacteria regulate all animals' CNSs.

In the year 2010 I posted to the site physicsforums.com, stating that it is my hypothesis that bacteria regulate all animals' CNSs, their central nervous systems. I stated that this hypothesis prompted me to speculate that the reason humanity began to experience wars was that they started to put their dead in coffins, denying bacteria of the tissue of humans for ingestion. I stated that to validate this speculation I looked in a reference work on anthropology for the approximate dates of these two events, the start of wars and the start of coffin use, to see if they were about the same, as this would point to the possiblility of a causal relationship. I don't recall the figures I found but I do recall that they were very nearly the same. I included this fact in my post to physicsforums.com.

I also stated in the post that I had considered it necessary for my hypothesis to be correct that the population of bacteria adhering to the human body must be extremely numerous, but that I had no information of my own on this matter and always had assumed, before forming my hypothesis, that there was only a small population. I posted that I had checked and found that there is inheed an enormous population of bacteria on the human body, ten times the number of cells of the body itself, the exact number varying with the way the question is defined. The reason that a large body population is necessary is that each organism has to be fit into a comprehensive ecological array of relationships within the bacterial population, and doing this requires that the bacterial interest in each species that is important to a species has to be represented in the bacteria surrounding each individual body, so that existing arrangements with regard to any emergent actions or situations may be enforced immdiately.

The result of this post was that I was banned from the site, with the reason stated as "crackpot."

Consequently, I find it contrary to my interests to share any further work of my own with scientists, and share details about my bacterial hypothesis here only because I have already revealed it, and in the event others find it to be reasonable and worthy of investigation I will get full credit for the discovery, if that is what it is found to be.

If the hypothesis is correct then evolution in the animal kingdom is the result of scheming by bacteria, the course of human history is not of men's own doing, and productivity leading to ownership and power, and culpabillity of criminals, are not attributable to those enjoying or suffering them, to any significant degree, but to the whims of bacteria, or whatever their equivalent affect is.

Since I cannot attribute to the operators of physicsforums.com the responsibility for banning me I have no reason to damn them. But like so many of the things I see people glorify themselves with while I refuse to engage in the same sort of grab bag, I certainly hold out hope that eventually my science and my industry will emerge as the superior agent of fortune, and those who choose to join with me in pursuing my hypothesis in a spirit of collegial endeavor such as underlies the best of science, will also join with me in the rewards such an endeavor ultimately will bring, if I am right, while those who call me a crackpot will fall into a lesser circle of knowers and doers to be handled like chattel.

On a second term for Barack Obama

While I am naturally in favor of a second term for Barack Obama because I believe it is a major move by American power bases in support of my desire to see better relations between blacks and whites in this country, I must clarify that Mr. Obama's candidacy for president was not my idea and my simple satisfaction at his first election amounts to an easy call that doesn't challenge me in any significant way as a vehicle of racial harmony. This position of mine amounts to a denial that it is my duty with regard to American powers to work on behalf of Mr. Obama's reelection campaign as if its success depended on my actions and statements. I am thoroughly committed to racial harmony in the U.S. I think a lot about the blacks I live among. I look for insights about the special situation that blacks here are in. I try, with varying success, to use discretion about what I write here and elsewhere about blacks. I believe what I write is taken seriously by American powers and this warrants such discretion. I admit I have made some errors in exercising this discretion. I hope I have learned from each such incident and that I will make fewer of them in the future. A United States that draws on the special abilities of each and every citizen and resident will in my view be a stronger unit in the international family of the species, and without such strong units this species will be unable to break from its past of inevitable wars, which I consider a challenge I am particularly well suited by upbringing and personal journey to advance. I am uncertain of the outcome in regard to war. Racial conflict is a major, perhaps the greatest, distraction to progress in the matter. A black president does a great deal to advance causes far beyond simply racial harmony. Mr. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize is understandable from this point of view. However, there is in this prize some obfuscation of the underlying facts. Peace will be served by recognition of the president by the international community, no doubt. But it is going to take some doing to get to the next level here. It may be that a black president has played out most of its value for world peace. I certainly hope not, and I hope that his presidency represents an opportunity of great rarety for development of far reaching improvements in the utility of political structures for all the needs of men. Such an opportunity must be made apparent or it will be in danger of evaporating. I will think on this.

My relations with bees

Honey bees, according to NBC news, are suffering from a mysterious disorder that has resulted in large population loss, on the order of 30% since 2006. NBC noted that honey bees are necessary for pollenation of crops that humans depend on for food, and cannot be replaced by other agents.

It is my belief that honey bees can identify humans by their irises because the bees have compound eyes that observe a complex logic that enables this identification of mammals on a selective basis where bees desire to take a certain ecological stand. I believe that bees identified Moses as he floated down the river as a baby, and used him to gain some control over the Egyptian domains. I believe that bees identified me when I tortured them as a child, and are responsible for my rise to unusual high position, and then for my casting into oblivion and loss of my chances to win a Ph.D. in astronomy at Yale, an M.A. in architecture at IIT, and certain Chicago opportunities, though this last loss is being contested.

These poor relations between bees and myself are most unfortunate. I was young and reckless when I committed my offense and now regret it. However, ecology seems to be working in my favor now, despite the cost that might be paid by the human species as a whole. I could tolerate downsizing of the species due to loss of crop production. If it means an end to my enduring bad luck, I'm all for it.

Having crossed that bridge, I declare that I favor 100% population loss of honey bees--extinction.

Endorsement of Barack Obama for president.

Today Barack Obama said he supports gay marriage and in view of my having declared I am in favor of equal rights as a whole for the GLBT community, having spent some time intending to be transgender myself and realizing I owed a great debt to others who are GLBT and have worked for the rights of that whole group, I am formally issuing an endorsement of Mr. Obama for his re-election bid this year.

osiris

I have had three osiris moments, the first in 1980 while sitting in the cafeteria at Yale's Kline Biology Tower top floor, the second in either 1989, 1990, or 1991 in my bed in my single bedroom in the graduate dorm in the residence halls at IIT, and the third in either 1991 or 1992 while lying on the floor in my sleeping bag in the bedroom of my apartment on Gunnison in Chicago.

An osiris moment is when the body is flushed with vibrations that temporarily incapacitate the senses of orientation and awareness except for the bones--thus "os"--and the color in the eyes--thus "iris".

Continuing the pattern of the Egyptian Osiris, the three females who take the part of Isis, the lover of Osiris, in these three events can be prospectively identified as Betty Wilt, my maternal grandmother, in the first instance, Laura Gilliam, a playmate of my sister Linda about eight years my junior and aged about six when the affair occurred, in the second instance, and Antoinette Marie Burchard, about 15 years my senior and a pickup at the foot of the John Hancock building in Chicago, in the third instance. The first instance was never spoken of and was only in looks. The second instance was acted on to a little extent. The third instance was a repeated liason for intercourse. The three affairs occurred in districts associated with the institutions in which the Osiris moments occurred, these being, in the first instance, various California institutions that got me into Yale graduate school, in the second instance, the elementary schools of the Chicago metropolitan area, and in the third instance the City of Chicago.

All three affairs were toward the risque side, decreasing in that progressively, just as they increased in blatant sexuality progressively.

The role of Seth, brother of Osiris, who tormented him because of the love affair with Isis, was taken in the first instance by the son of Betty, William Wilt. The second and third instances of Seth are uncertain.

The affairs took place in the years 1980 with Betty in the first Osiris instance, about 1964 with Laura in the second Osiris instance, and 1972 to 1978 with Antoinette in the third Osiris instance.

this blog added to Yale alumni blogroll

It gives me pleasure to state that the Yale Alumni Magazine site has added this blog of mine to its alumni blogroll. Here is a link to that site where the blogroll is.

Thank you to the Yale Alumni Magazine.

2 opposing hypotheses to explain my enduring bad luck

I now have two opposing hypotheses to explain my enduring bad luck.

One is that I have a deep-lying tendency to mishandle opportunity. This tendency would be both wide in scope and narrow in effect. The hypothesis does not speculate about the origin of this tendency.

The other hypothesis is that I have been blacklisted, so that all my initial development of opportunity is allowed to procede but at a certain point, when the course of the opportunity is more definite, events are counteracted by sufficient force coming from some power which does not need to reveal itself but gets all the information it needs to manage the black list. This is a difficult hypothesis to test without a good lead on who is responsible, and instead what I have are numerous small leads not amounting to a coherent case against one party. One suspect is my father and his circle. Another suspect is International Communism. The evidence behind these accusations is given in my autobiography.

My duty to defend the United States.

Because I have spoken out to suggest that war is a result of the arbitrariness of the practice of putting the dead in coffins, and that this particular arbitrariness will only be escaped if arbitrariness in general is more or less escaped by humanity, there is now in the United States a state in which there is a mixture of this suggestion foregoing with the traditional inertias regarding the real danger of war, not likely to pass away by reason of the suggestion because of the magnitude of those inertias and the meagreness of my authority in the United States, even though that authority of mine is not trifling. Another factor in this unlikeliness is that the evidence supporting the suggestion regarding coffins is not voluminous.

That being the case, I reason that my duty to defend the United States, as made plain by the complete set of nine videos in the sidebar, must extend not only to suggest such outside chances to avoid war forever as I have done, but to engage reasonably in the management of the dangers of war as practiced traditionally, and as organized by the powers that be here. Naturally, we are mostly a peace loving nation, and I would necessarily want to work to avoid war before conceding that it is inevitable. I have a sense that war can be prevented by reasonable efforts. However, I also have a suspicion that my hypothesis about the cause of wars is valid, and that my sense war can be prevented is mistaken. I do not like this situation. The comfort of a home in a nation at peace having a considerable armed force with a history of victories is historically a small assurance of security, relatively speaking.

Consistent with my hypothesis about coffins I try to upgrade my arbitrarinesses to randomnesses, and my randomnesses to argued decisions. The whole idea of the hypothesis is that bacteria regulate all animal central nervous systems, that they are upset when coffins deny them meals, and that they wreak havoc on human plans for where their bodies end up by regulating us into wars. The fact I discovered is that anthropologically the date of the beginning of coffin use and the date of the beginning of wars are very close. The part about bacteria regulating CNSs is somewhat a speculation, but it led me to expect that bacterial accompaniment of the body is much much more than I had been taught it was, and when I checked and found that this accompaniment is in fact of the same magnitude as the number of the body's own cells, I was turned more in the direction of believing the hypothesis.

In the end, all I can do is suggest. Physicsforums.com banned me when I suggested it, calling me a "crackpot." This does not speak well for the scientific method as practiced by humans. It also gives me little reason to view men with charity in their wholehearted embracement of arbitrariness.

As for defending the country, I am as much at risk as anyone, and I will do my part.

a necessary follow-up to a statement I made to my students in introductory astronomy at Yale.

One day in the astronomy section I taught at Yale in 1980 I asked the class what the speed of light was. It was a loaded question. In mks terms (meters, kilograms, seconds) it is 299,792,458 meters/second. But in general relativity terms, all the fundamental constants have the geometrically significant value of 1. So, knowing general relativity is not familiar to most general studies undergraduates, I thought I would throw them a curveball with the possibility of a later "ah-hah!" moment. I said, "it's one." Evidently no one recognized this value as c, the speed of light, and the room was dead-faced and some were absolutely shocked and mystified. I had no intention of ruining the ahah potential and didn't explain myself, saying nothing more that class. It might have been my last session. I was shortly undergoing a mental illness relapse because I had decided to go off my medication a few months before arriving at Yale for graduate school.

My apologies to anyone only now getting this brief explanation.

A neologism by myself.

In his lifetime a man takes part as a member of many teams in sports or business; causual or serious; fleeting or enduring. Sometimes the boundaries between these teams, and the identifications of members, is not so clear. Each instance of such experience brings greater understanding of one's capabilities and potential, both as a team member and as an individual. I give to the idea of the practice of taking part in teams, as I describe foregoing, the term "teamsmanship." I think it is a new one and I find it very helpful in keeping from getting too comfortable about being a member of any one or another single team, while providing a central idea to gather all my thoughts about my ongoing development of team skills in various settings and various team memberships. It serves as somewhat of a counterpoint to the term and idea "sportsmanship," where everything is for the moment and winning or losing is today's only marker. A nation needs men to last beyond defeat, and to take victory deeper into the population.

On the matter of Iran.

If I tell Iran that if it abandons any plans to build a nuclear bomb it will be rewarded to its requirements, will the United States and Israel honor this promise? If I am assured of this I will so tell Iran.

An apology regarding my romantic record.

I have realized that my crossdressing involvements have made it impossible for me to engage in romance as a complete partner. It's more than just a distraction. It seems now to me that it's very very destructive. I am going to do the best job I can now to give myself the benefit of a complete dedication to normal sexuality, and this will hopefully end the trouble that this misbehavior has caused for others, especially those women I have participated in romance with. It's hard to say what the actual harm has been, but there is no doubt it has resulted in my total isolation and discontent with this civilization. The point I wish to end on is that I apologize.

On Islam, and other things.

Muhummad had the advantage of knowing the work of Jesus. Jesus had the advantage of knowing the work of Moses. Moses suffered more than Jesus or Muhummad and I think had a greater effect than they did. He probably wasn't interested in history. I feel no need to position him, as that is probably not the way to understand his importance. I would hope the same is true of me since I have made the claim to be something of an equal to him. I judge myself on my effects, and I have a need to keep my discipline as high as necessary to achieve my potential. I have argued that war is a consequence of a poor relationship between mankind and his perported CNS regulator, that is, bacteria, and specifically mankind's decision to put his dead in coffins. I don't think anything less than abandonment of that pracitce will bring about an end to war. It is an arbitrary practice and one might think it easy enough to abandon, but there are many such arbitrary practices by mankind and how is one to settle on this one as more significant that the others? It is an impossible approach, the straightforward abandonment of the said practice. Besides that, it just has no sense of global values, but only would seem to emerge from a basically retarded motive with respect to the problem on earth. Ending war is an object of gratification in terms of any individual espousing it. The motive has to be decentralized. A world of no kings or hierarchies would result from decentralized senses, although this is a lie. Vast expanses of individuals would find equality amidst themselves, and competition would lie around momentary objectives. But certain understandings would separate out sets according to unattainable function. It is a matter of value.

My estimation of what success for Homo sapiens requires.

It is my judgment that my fundamental difference with Homo sapiens, the nature of which has brought about the current economic malaise around the world, is in my way with making marks on paper. It is therefore only possible to advance economically for Homo sapiens if it moves to understand my way and to incorporate it into Homo sapiens' own ways, possibly leading to a new species if it means that only certain units of the species are able to adapt in this.

The economic malaise results from my ways because they create a one person versus the species eccentricity with regard to the animate stability that formerly was some type of normal distribution around all individuals.

I suppose it depends what kind of trajectory this message takes within Homo sapiens, just what adaptive effects occur. As a document, it actually is secondary because it is not marks on paper and cannot incorporate directly my most original work. But if adaptation is possible, some accommodations to Homo sapiens ways will surely be a part of it. And so I offer these lines of guidance.

Intelligence is an acquired trait.

A corollary to my hypothesis that bacteria regulate all central nervous systems is that intelligence is an acquired trait, one that forms along a strongly over-determined pathway so that the result is a trait that in most cases does not vary in testable measure.

That measure is perhaps a matter of taste more than anything else--taste for education.

My mother's misappreciation of my intelligence.

My mother was very intelligent. However, she never accepted the challenge of intelligence. She was content to ride along on a small ambition. This did not prepare her for the subtleties of raising a child who was even more intelligent than she was--myself. It was evident at graduation from Yale, where she was in attendance, that all of this commotion was a feather in her cap, and that was as far as she was able to take it. Such was the guidance I got from day one at this college. My father was an outsider but at least did not mount an effective obstacle course to it. They all were into emotion and the range of possibilities it allowed. It was this estimate of the potential I had that I played out.

My disappointment at not being taught to read the first day of school went as an anecdote and a curiosity, and this marked the duration of my flirtation with school to the last day of my years at IIT.

It was the sighting of the burning building a la Moses's bush that brought things into allignment. The oversize enlargement of my potential was made greater still by the emotional pettiness I was born into. Ecological forces stepped in and this is continuing to today. Even the comprehension of the Mafia of my potential is rooted in emotional misapprehension. They are right about one thing--I need to work out the significance of my crossdressing and get back on track in the male role path.

Obama's reelection is not predictable.

I am of the opinion that though I would like to see President Obama win a second term, his not winning would not be a disaster. My motives are entirely selfish. I think I am entitled to that. It is up to the President to win another term if he can, and the people to get the man they want, for their own motives. I don't presume to know those well enough to say who the winner will be. If I have an option that clearly weighs in for the President I will take it. But it's a vast theater in politics, like every street corner. I just walk in them. I couldn't have predicted Mr. Obama would win in 2008, so I have no business deciding whether he will win this year. Surely makes for a more interesting election anyway.

Thoughts on Iran and the United States

In my view the United States are no less theologically based than Iran. It is in the way people talk, starting with the War of Independence and on down through the years to today. This determines the way things develop throughout and deeply within the entire nation, domestically and around the world. Law may be guaged to separate church and state, but it is of no use in the unconscious affairs of men, those that determine the pitch and direction of the nation.

Let us not therefore assign to Iran the role of extremist in foreign values. Americans are just as extreme and cannot truthfully argue to the contrary. If there is to be reason sufficient in commerce between the nations, and between their people, for assuring that religion is not the engine of process, but rather that truth is, then we must subject ourselves to as forthright an investigation as we subject others to. It is never too soon to do this, even better in fact to do it while there is no war to stiffen our resolve, an effect we so dearly cherish during conflict and let define our reputation afterward. It is in our relaxed moments that our fates are sealed, by the weakness of our committment to scientific validity, and our deferment to common sense when opportunities to extend our senses lie in rare sense, where so many of our most revered predecessors have spirited us into small increments of success as a species.

If peace is to become a habit on earth for humanity, it shall come out of a place of implacable discovery, and unsettled posture. A little urge is as great an influence as a large one, and more preferable for its greater breadth of exits.

I look forward to learning among men that small things carry large truths, and in that account a book is rather too large to be included. This leaves religion out of the picture entirely.

The mugging meltdown.

In the aftermath of my publishing  what I will call an "Assertion M"--for "Meltdown"--which concerned my relation to the black race, I have been mugged by two armed men, and in an attempt to prevent any future recurrence of a mugging I threatened I would change political parties if one did. Now further repercussions have shown the situation to be in meltdown mode. I believe this calls for a clarification of why I made Assertion M.

Ever since my homelessness in New York, New Haven, and Boston I have had difficulties with the black race. However, I ultimately decided I would side with liberal values and made a statement of this committment in 1993. This statement was taken as my word of honor and I have been working in the interest of black people ever since, preferring tolerance in conflicts but also contributing money to the United Negro College Fund. Despite this turn of events there has been a plot among black people to do me in, as they say, unbroken to the present. It has been my belief that this plot was largely arranged by white racist forces which desired to poison my relations with black people because these racist elements knew I would be a potent force if a merger of intents were formed between myself and blacks. The fit for this racist element lies in the Communist Party, internationally. An explanation of my run-in with the party is given in my written autobiography available online at scribd.com, page 170.

I issued Assertion M because I felt I was in desperate need to give evidence I had decided to uphold liberal values rather than continue to be angry at blacks, so that the black groups would stop targeting me for dissolution.

It certainly didn't occur to me that issuing the assertion would create a problem. It did though, and damage has been done. The primary call here would seem to be for intelligence work with regard to the communist party.

I will monitor the situation and maintain my committment to blacks as equal partners in the American enterprise.

Mississippi's governor pardons a lot of criminals.

The action of Mississippi's governor to pardon a lot of criminals comes as understandable to me.

This civilization has not provided a uniform species code of conduct. Evidently it is a species in great uncertainty, despite a host of isolated successes. Individuals who at least speak of themselves as law-abiding look at others with what they call judgment. I suggest that judgment is a highly contextual claim in which the "crime scene" is taken to be sufficiently under control by authorites that the idea of negative feedback is expected over the broader course of events to lead to less crime. I fail to see how the short list of learned lessons about life in general which people variously take part in is able to produce any sort of crime reduction. There is even less that appeals to me in the quasi-economic notion of paying for your crimes. Police are expected to work out the details on the street. This is too much to ask anyone to do.

A lot of civilization's directions would be questioned by anyone approaching the understanding of life that a species requires. Those that do are few in number and are heavily burdened. A little less burden is a stable consequence of a little more understanding.

The pinion on the economy is of both Moses and Osiris.

The pinion I have on the economy, dating from the stock market crash of 2008, has inner detail resting not only in the story of Moses but also that of Osiris. The essential departure from the tale of Moses is that this is not a simple destruction of the established power, rather a replacement of the established economy with a new one centered on means I have created or assembled from my travels and investigations.

Next Bears game prediction.

I call the game tonight will end with a Bears loss.

Next game: an 80 percent chance of a win.

Evidence Beltemacchi is not my central opponent.

After Tweeting that I heard a voice telling me my Tweets help the Bears a run of bad luck hit the Bears and the Packers scored a second TD.

Evidently the person who principally opposes me is not a Chicagoan, which rules out Beltemacchi, though he might be an opponent none the less.

Peter Beltemacchi: how good a Bears fan?

I challenge Peter Beltemacchi to a test of nerves: which of us can call the game tonight between the Bears and the Packers first.

As you may know, I have stated I consider Mr. Beltemacchi to be a possible initiator of a blackball against me for not sustaining him in illegal acts in a hypothetical business deal, he the owner of an architecture firm in Chicago and me his, hypothetical, employee.

Approval of a media trend.

There is in the national media in the United States a not so well known trend between celebrities of all degrees to take the time and care to express to each other a moment of real support for one another, ususally by taking a little longer than is normal in such circumstances to hug one another upon being introduced or otherwise brought together. This is a different trend than those we see customarily, at least in any age with which I am familiar. It is a good trend, moreso than most, and will certainly have a good effect on a particular set of people who find themselves, though they may not know it, on any of a large number of precipices of the nature of a personal challenge, whereon much depends in the manner of deeper sharing of emotional bonds with those who share the same stage where these challenges are made, lost, or won. And as examples, people in the limelight, where I have observed this trend, will tend to be moreso than most, or that is what we are led to believe, anyway, by the media.

I look forward to seeing other signs of true caring everywhere I go.

And let us not forget that we are part of a larger conversation between all living species, and have a great privilege to keep a large space under our stewardship in a world of shortages, and need to know more about the illusion which this stewardship actually is.

Sunni and Shiite

I am very pleased with the degree to which Sunni and Shiites in Iraq have managed to lessen the extent of their animosity since the start of the military presence of the U.S. there in 2003. I admit that this is in some measure a matter of faith in the peace despite outbreaks of violence. It is in that also a matter of faith in the ability of the Iraqi government to act as government and sustain a national identity. My personal observation is that this has in fact happened, and that despite this there is an awareness that much needs to be done, for divisions in Islam have been the rule not the exception ever since the life of Muhammad.

Bomb detection in Iraq.

Ted Koppel says that device they use in Iraq to detect bombs doesn't work.

Human scientists say that bees can't fly, and yet they see them do so, like you and I see them do.

Endorsement of Barack Obama for President in 2012.

After reviewing the Republican candidates for president, I have decided for myself that Barack Obama is the best candidate and I heartily encourage others to examine his record and behavior, think on the demands of the office, and I have great trust that for those of good sense and sound judgment Mr. Obama will be the candidate of choice.

No need to hold gays in comtempt.

Before my episode trying to become transgender I seemed to be faced with a lot of opinions that I was gay. This was a mistaken notion and seems to have occurred because I wasn't expressing my desire to transgender and the fact that I was keeping locked up some odious state of mind involving my sexuality came across as being a closet gay. I hope the episode becoming transgender has straightened this matter out to some extent. There remains the fact that I really would prefer being female but cannot do it for medical reasons, and this fact may get some play by some as a continuing state of mind. I do experience lingering effects of having been set on being a female with heterosexual desires. I am working to set those aside.

The point here is that there is no reason for me to castigate gays anymore, insofar as the actual situation is appreciated by others. I castigated gays because it was the only way I could think of to distance myself from that state of mind, faced with overwhelming insinuations I was gay. I hope now the record will reflect the facts. If it does so I can safely accord all due respect to gays for their preferences.

Aborted transition to transgender female.

It turned out that estrogen therapy would increase the danger of blood clotting and since I am already at risk for clotting and take Warfarin for it, I decided not to pursue the gender change. The key factor is that without a doctor's approval for hormone therapy the State of Illinois does not permit a change of gender marker in one's state identity cards. This was an unacceptable situation for me, so I decided to give up wearing women's clothes. It was a major disappointment.

Why I think I live alone.

I think that being of female mind under it all while having to live as a male mind, is the reason I have wound up isolated from others.

It's pretty simple.

First hoop passed in change of my gender to female.

Tuesday was my appointment at the Howard Brown Health Center, a medical facility that specializes in transgender cases. The doctor's name was Alfred Torrence. He did a complete medical interview intended to determine if at this juncture I am suitable and medically ready to enter the passage to becoming a female. He said they never do a psychiatric evaluation because they do not consider the transgender person to have a sexual disorder. He simply asked me why I wanted to become a female and I gave him a pretty straight answer.

My taking Warfarin is an issue as hormone treatments will increase my blood's tendency to clot. I take Warfarin because my other doctors believe a clot caused my necrotic bowel of 2008. Dr. Torrence asked me if there was any positive proof that I had had a clot and I said no. This could be a game stopper.

Another possible issue is my liver, as it needs to be able to take some stress, for want of a better term me being a layman, caused by the hormones.

If these and all other issues turn out not to be game stoppers then Dr. Torrence will approve me for hormone therapy. This done, I will be given a lot of paperwork for changing my name and gender marker on some of the more important personal documents, these apparently not including my birth certificate as Illinois is said to give transgender folk a problem with it, One document the doctor mentioned was called a "safe passage". It guarantees to anyone concerned that I am legally able to use female public facilities, such as rest rooms. It was significant to me that all this paperwork can be prepared and completed immediately upon my approval for hormone treatment, rather than having to wait for some amount of time to pass for the hormones to start to take effect.

So the next step was blood tests and today I went in and gave blood for them. But at the end of the interview with Dr. Torrence he shook my hand and said I had passed the first hoop on the way to becoming a female.

Hard to say at this point what the odds are I will pass through the rest of the hoops.  No hormones would be a major disappointment, but even if that happens there's no going back to behaving like a boy. We'll see if my body is going to cooperate by getting itself approved for the next step.

There is one possible way to get some recognition of the gender change anyway, which is common law. With that I would just tell everyone I know that I'm making the change and what my name is going to be. It's not as solid legally, but it's certainly better than nothing. I don't know what all it would enable me to do.

On Gabriel Giffords

There is no doubt in my mind that my fate has been intertwined with some who have exacerbated my problems to the point of unprecedented, speaking anthropologically, duress. It has been my deed to survive and retain my love for others. My reliance on social security disability income is, however, not a part of what I call my survival, but a mark of low deposit of my character thanks to these persons of the exacerbation. I have no reason to believe they will continue to exacerbate my problems indefinitely.

I began work on my written autobiography on May 2, 2010. I am guessing that most of what I have written is news to my Mafia overlords. The shooting on January 8, 2011 of Gabriel Giffords has a certain random component in terms of time, and a certain structural component. I turned 60 that day. I have a certain tendency, therefore, to conclude that the Mafia allowed the shooting to occur in the interest of sending a message to the nation that that day marks a point of departure on which my reputation is to be granted a state of objection, which due to the secrecy of the deeds behind the exacerbation of my problems cannot readily be connected to the parties responsible. By pointing these things out I am putting a spin on events for perspectives to be taken and considerations to be given so that further events may be allowed to bring the parties responsible into better view. I didn't deserve to be treated as a misfit. Gabriel Giffords didn't need to be shot. One is plainly a national tragedy. One is a civilizational tragedy. Which is which? I think the answer is also plain. One doesn't allow a national tragedy to transpire unless an even greater tragedy motivates it. My continued reliance on social security is not without its costs.

Transgender's challenge to be physically active.

I am finding it a challenge as a transgender female to enter into broad-based physical activity. The issue is my choice of water balloons as breast enhancements, as they make me nervous about being too physical and risking that they will burst or fall out of my bra.

Not sure what I will do about this.

Reminder and discovery in becoming a female.

There are two principal stimulations for me to become a female: A) reminder effects, and B) discovery effects. All motives to remain a male are subsumed under some nature that is readily nullified by reminder effects, though the time it takes for this nullification varies from immediately to over the course of about an hour. Discovery effects are more basic and occur within a new universe as a female. They affect my bearing, posture, and nervous stability.

I am now within the definition of GLBT.

With my acceptance of myself as a transgender female I find myself within the definition of GLBT, or gay lesbian bisexual trnansgender. This is a fact. The common use of the term GLBT makes this fact politically active and merges my case with those of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, in ways that may or not be to my liking but nevertheless represent a certain reality that I have to deal with. Each of the four types has its own distinctive social milieu, but these are sufficiently related to one another that the GLBT term serves a definite social and political purpose and is not to be ignored. I don't get so much value out of categorizing myself as a transvestic fetishist, which I am. It links me to transvestites in general and does not have much political power behind it, or at least so far as I can tell from having to keep my condition a secret for so long. It also, the transvestic fetishism, is not commonly known as a subgroup within transvestites, and what is believed is that it isn't a type of gender identity disorder, usually. This makes it more trouble as a category for me than it's worth.