fully endowed courtship capacity

The inception of a fully endowed courtship capacity in me, at the age of 59, is completely unanticipated.

It's Crystal forever.

I just returned to my room now having told Crystal I will go out with her forever, no matter what. She said ok and really was clear about it in saying that. But then I added a repeat of my opening statement to her that I was sorry I had said I would never date her again and she didn't say anything, which made me think I should have been happy with her ok and just left, instead of belaboring it. I'm so torn over these momentary conversations, I guess because I would rather spend all my time with her. It certainly goes a lot better when we spend the day together.

I think my problem is that I don't hear some important sounds in my own body. I don't know what they are, but I need to find out. They would help me to respond in the immediate present to Crystal instead of having to rely so heavily on a prepared statement, which I always do when I go to her room. I don't write them down. I just prepare them mentally.

furthermore, about Crystal

What will now happen, in dating Crystal forever, is that I will not expect a kiss on the lips from her, before marriage, certainly, but after marriage too, though I may try it, but then I will still need her exactly because she holds herself from me. I am beginning to see a new sort of passion in this.

My father's mother told me that she wouldn't let my father's father touch her for five days following the marriage.c

New logic with Crystal.

It is certain that a girl of quality who happens to have been raised to delay all sexual stimulation until marriage will be in a position to give her suitor all the time in the world to realize two things: 1) once he makes the plunge to court her, and she keeps him from knowing whether she favors him, he will eventually reach a point where he has by his adherence to strict logic left himself no other alternative than to persist in pursuing her, no matter how long it lasts, because he has created a unique place for the girl that cannot be retooled for another one, not just because of her unique nature, but because of the unique logic of courtship in a state of true love, and 2) it is precisely this waiting for marriage before sexual stimulation, the primary measure of suitability a man of the world learns before finding true love, that establishes her word as ruler over his world, and her body as the only thing worth living for. The contract of two caring people, will always begin in that they shall not hurt each other, and therefore will not allow such a commitment as marriage in its most perfect sense to become possible unless this commitment has a definite, though not specified, place somewhere in the girl's heart and mind.

I am struggling with this. To rely on Crystal's care as a more perfect protector than an exchange of sexual permissions is not what I was taught as a child. It is, however, what I have discovered to be true, ever since I began to court a 10-year-old girl I saw and flirted with at a branch of the Chicago Public Library on Tuesday, January 23, 2007.

I was willing to wait until she reached the age of 18 to marry her. I didn't know anything about waiting for marriage for the first kiss, but that is what it seems to have brought about. I returned to the library every day at that same time for the next six days, didn't sleep during that time but for maybe five minutes, and worked continuously on plans and strategies, both for earning a living against all odds, and for gaining her family's approval, against even greater odds. I had the dvd of the nine videos in the sidebar of this blog by then and I hoped to be able to get the mother to view it.

When I told an aide at my nursing home a week later that I had a ten year old girlfriend--already a stretch because she didn't return to the library when I was there the other days--he reported it to his supervisor as an online affair. What did he have against me? They fired him when they found out it was an in-person affair. However, they found that out because they called me in to a tense meeting of all department heads to confront me with the thing and I had a real battle on my hands. Somehow I proved to them I don't have a thing for little girls and instead have no inhibitions about age, arguing that some ten year olds are ready for pairing. I might have cited Rene and Celine Deon, but I didn't think of it. I also got them to say they wouldn't bar me from returning to the library to look for her and continue our courtship/flirtation.

My strategies for courtship were entirely based on logic deductible from her and my behavior in the library. We spoke not a word. Glances were given. We spent time at the same table and she did some walking around. I developed the logic in the succeeding days and it continues to guide me with Crystal.

So it will not be surprising if now my game plan discussion about Crystal comes under greater scrutiny.

In the mean time, I'm going to tell her I will keep dating her forever and when the marriage proposal occurs is not an essential problem. I won't be looking for sexual signs. I will be happy because she goes out with me and doesn't appear to be favoring anyone else nearly as much. I will be able to tell everyone I know that I will be dating her forever.

Return to courtship of Crystal Newell

I have been thinking over my decision to terminate my relationship with Crystal Newell after I asked her if she was attracted to me and she said no.

I believe I made a mistake in my decision.

It seems, after reflection, that attraction to you of the girl you are courting is irrelevant. If she goes out on dates with you, you are doing something right, and courship, it seems to me, is a matter of providing the logic, tending the field, and enabling the viscera to fall in place. I just haven't accomplished this last step. If I am assiduous and attentive to her, it should happen. It is a risk. Maybe she never will be attracted to me, and then she certainly wouldn't, and shouldn't, marry me. I think one has to be confident that physical attraction is natural and it is imperfections that prevent it from developing. The logic provides pathways for this to happen, and my own being in touch with my taste, which is clear in its affirmation of this girl's attractiveness, provides the impetus to pursue them, despite repeated frustrations and desperation.

Therefore I have decided to continue to court Crystal, which I don't need to belabor with her since I didn't tell her I broke up with her. I told my roommate and my colleague, Gordon Moen, and I will tell them I have taken her back.

No one night stands or pornography for me any more.

I have come to the conclusion that my experience looking for girls to have sex with as an undergraduate at Yale left unsolved the question of where sex is in my life, and the temporary answer was pretty much just prostitution at a $0 per hour rate. I believe I have come reasonably closer to a real answer and it includes that one-night stands and pornography are not in my best interest. My courtship of Crystal Newell, now over, played a part in coming to this answer. If she had answered yes to the question of is she attracted to me, instead of no as it was, I could have made more progress in answering the question of where sex is in my life. I will have to make do with not being so able to progress for a while. Looking for someone to court is very different from having someone to court.

I best a rival suitor for Crystal Newell

Sunday, August 2, 2009, I took Crystal to the DuSable Museum in Garfield Park, Chicago. It is a museum of African American history, and Crystal is black.

It was an excellent trip.

We went after the museum to the campus of the University of Chicago, not far away, where we walked around the grounds and stopped inside a couple of libraries. On the way back to the bus stop we passed Stagg Field, where the first self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction was produced, and I was thrilled by seeing it. That historic achievement was presided over by Enrico Fermi, who became a hero for me when I learned that he had a gap in his teeth. On January 4, 2008, I lost one of my front teeth. That's when I started to look at African descent girls to date. They aren't repulsed by tooth gaps, and some of them are really good looking, like Crystal.

After that we stopped at the Illinois Institute of Technology, where I studied graduate architecture for three years, and I showed Crystal around.

Back at the nursing home, an hour went by and I was standing in the lobby with Crystal nearby and a resident named Keith Lisk came in and said to Crystal, "come and help me unload some snacks."

Crystal went right away with him. I was disturbed that he was taking liberties with her and it seemed as if he was trying to horn in on me.

They came back in with cartons of Coke and I said I would carry the Coke up to his room. I didn't want this little business to continue. Crystal said she would do it. Mr. Lisk said, loudly, "Crystal is my girlfriend."

That was war.

I said, "Crystal is not your girlfriend."

He said, "yes she is."

I said, "no she isn't"

He said, "oh yes she is."

Then he went to move past me to get the Cokes and said "excuse me," expecting me to move aside.

I said, "No."

He said, "Are you trying to start something?"

Then he and Crystal disappeared into the elevator.

I began to plot my attack on this rival suitor.

I decided to challenge him to a fight. The problem was that he is a big guy, customarily wealthy and used to getting his way, and his behavior at this point showed that he didn't respect me. I figured the danger was that he would just ignore my challenge and retain his right to court Crystal separately.

I considered the situation at length and saw that the challenge must be rendered immediately and strategically to prevent him from ignoring it in the long run. I composed a speech: "You're a pretty big guy. Do you think you can beat me?" I went to his room hoping to find him in. He was coming out the door and I immediately issued my challenge, verbatim.

He said, "I don't know." and walked by me and headed down the stairs. I went to the stairway and said to him, "If you don't fight me you're a coward." I had composed that too, before going to his room.

He didn't say anything and kept going. His roommate was there and asked me what I called him. I said, "a coward." His roommate laughed.

Now it was necessary to rally my forces. I went to the activity room where there was a big line of residents waiting for dinner. I announced that I had challenged Kieth Lisk to a fight because he was trying to horn in on me. I called upon a friend there, Ken Houk, to be my second. He said something that showed he was not the right choice and I said forget it. I moved on to Charles Gassman and repeated the call.

Charles had once told me he had been in 50 fights, plus he is a genius. I said that the fight would be at the Lake. He asked what the weapons would be. I said I would suggest that there be no weapons. He asked would it be to the death. I said I didn't want to speak of death. It would be no holds barred, no time limit. He asked when the fight would be. I said Mr. Lisk had not yet agreed to the fight. Mr. Gassman said that if I got him to agree to the fight he would serve as my second. I said ok, that I would get back to him when I got Mr. Lisk to agree to the fight.

Then I addressed the room again and said that this fight had nothing to do with Bryn Mawr Care, nothing to do with mental illness, and the staff was not to be informed.

I was on my way out the door then and Linda, the receptionist, walked in and asked if everything was alright in there. I said, "everything is fine in here" and walked out.

I hovered in the area waiting for Linda to either get ornery, because she surely must have heard the whole speech in the activity room as I spoke very loudly and there was no other sound, or wisely ignore the action which I had successfully brought to a tight conclusion at that stage of development of the battle.

Linda returned to her desk in the lobby. I approached her to be sure she was not going to interject herself in my affairs. I said, "do you have any questions for me?" She said no. I indicated acknowledgment and that was another end in my favor.

I returned to my room and planned my next step. I determined that I needed to repeat to Mr. Lisk what I said before to him as he was going down the stairway.

I went to his room, where he was sitting on his bed, and said, "If you don't fight me you're a coward."

He said, "If you don't get out of here I'm going to call the C.N.A."

This showed he didn't want to fight. It changed the battlefield but it didn't lesson the peril. I would have to face staff now to beat him.

I took a walk to get my bearings and decide my next action. I saw that I would have to approach staff proactively. I decided I needed to go and present my case to the administrator, the top on-site official of the facility.

While still outside I engaged in some martial arts movements and determined I was out of shape, martially. I did my best to limber up. Then I returned to the facility.

I was standing in the lobby and engaged in distracting the staff to keep them from getting involved and to reinforce in their minds I was calm and collected, when Mr. Lisk entered the Lobby and immediately called out, "this man tried to start a fight with me."

I said yes I did, because he was trying to horn in on me.

Staff questioned what I meant by that. I said we all know what that means. Let's not pause in our discussion to figure that out now.

Words were said about violence being not the way to solve trouble, etc. etc. etc. I said the fight would be outside, not inside, with seconds, and no weapons.

Amanda, a case manager on duty tried to imply she knew better what the situation called for. I said her experience was minuscule. More words were said. Then I offered that if Mr. Lisk would guarantee that he would never say to anyone that Crystal is his girlfriend, I would drop my challenge.

Amanda was visibly relieved to hear this and turned to Mr. Lisk and asked if he would guarantee it. The two of them haggled a bit, she repeating my accusation that he had called Crystal his girlfriend, he saying "but she is my girlfriend. My friend." This was effectively where I saw that I would get what I wanted. Amanda asked him again if he would agree to the guarantee and he said yes. Then he got on the elevator and went away.

Amanda asked me if I was satisfied and I said not 100%. There was a lot of side action going on during the argument and Mr. Lisk didn't look me straight in the eye when he made the guarantee. Still, I was fairly sure that things were now in my favor.

Amanda took her position on violence a little further, apparently worried I would press my case again, and I said to her "you have sufficient wisdom for your needs. I would like you to grant the same for me." She didn't get it and said again that violence never solved anything, and I said "there hasn't been any violence." and walked away, still ready for a fight because I had been physically preparing myself for a time unlimited battle at the lake at any moment with a man much bigger in stature than myself.

I didn't see Mr. Lisk again until today, the day after. He didn't avoid my glance but he didn't express the perilous cockiness, and I put a little grin on to allow him to smile back if he wished because I knew he had no chance anymore of rivaling my courtship of Crystal. He didn't smile back, went on talking to people as if nothing had happened, and thus enforced the idea in my mind that he underestimated the stakes regarding Crystal.

This then is where I have taken a stand in pursuit of Crystal Newell. The residents, a large number of them, know what I will do if someone rivals me, and now that I have done it I will do it more freely in the future, having delivered appropriate words in the moment embarking on combat. Physical fights I have had but not in my home state. Now those will accrue to my honor and lend credence to my continuing threat of willingness to enter a fight for what I hold dear.

dating across generations

Courtship involves both genders making a search of their universe for hazards. Dating is going out as a team incorporating the wisdom of the species in its comprehension of hazards as distinct from dangers, which are without a science somewhere in authority over them while hazards have it. Each generation hazards into the universe in a different state of advancement of the species on its dangers. When two people of distinctly different generations court and date, their hazarding must necessarily involve a much larger scale of species issues, or their connection will be too small and fail. hazarding in a larger scale is something no one teaches, and there is a possibility for great disaster. When Pythagoras married one of his students, they witnessed the destruction of the welcome of his school among the people in ancient Greece, who burned it down. Both my girlfriend, crystal, and I have immediately witnessed disasters. She a restriction on her activities. I a computer error of major scale. Time will tell if we solve these problems.