It's Crystal forever.

I just returned to my room now having told Crystal I will go out with her forever, no matter what. She said ok and really was clear about it in saying that. But then I added a repeat of my opening statement to her that I was sorry I had said I would never date her again and she didn't say anything, which made me think I should have been happy with her ok and just left, instead of belaboring it. I'm so torn over these momentary conversations, I guess because I would rather spend all my time with her. It certainly goes a lot better when we spend the day together.

I think my problem is that I don't hear some important sounds in my own body. I don't know what they are, but I need to find out. They would help me to respond in the immediate present to Crystal instead of having to rely so heavily on a prepared statement, which I always do when I go to her room. I don't write them down. I just prepare them mentally.

furthermore, about Crystal

What will now happen, in dating Crystal forever, is that I will not expect a kiss on the lips from her, before marriage, certainly, but after marriage too, though I may try it, but then I will still need her exactly because she holds herself from me. I am beginning to see a new sort of passion in this.

My father's mother told me that she wouldn't let my father's father touch her for five days following the marriage.c

New logic with Crystal.

It is certain that a girl of quality who happens to have been raised to delay all sexual stimulation until marriage will be in a position to give her suitor all the time in the world to realize two things: 1) once he makes the plunge to court her, and she keeps him from knowing whether she favors him, he will eventually reach a point where he has by his adherence to strict logic left himself no other alternative than to persist in pursuing her, no matter how long it lasts, because he has created a unique place for the girl that cannot be retooled for another one, not just because of her unique nature, but because of the unique logic of courtship in a state of true love, and 2) it is precisely this waiting for marriage before sexual stimulation, the primary measure of suitability a man of the world learns before finding true love, that establishes her word as ruler over his world, and her body as the only thing worth living for. The contract of two caring people, will always begin in that they shall not hurt each other, and therefore will not allow such a commitment as marriage in its most perfect sense to become possible unless this commitment has a definite, though not specified, place somewhere in the girl's heart and mind.

I am struggling with this. To rely on Crystal's care as a more perfect protector than an exchange of sexual permissions is not what I was taught as a child. It is, however, what I have discovered to be true, ever since I began to court a 10-year-old girl I saw and flirted with at a branch of the Chicago Public Library on Tuesday, January 23, 2007.

I was willing to wait until she reached the age of 18 to marry her. I didn't know anything about waiting for marriage for the first kiss, but that is what it seems to have brought about. I returned to the library every day at that same time for the next six days, didn't sleep during that time but for maybe five minutes, and worked continuously on plans and strategies, both for earning a living against all odds, and for gaining her family's approval, against even greater odds. I had the dvd of the nine videos in the sidebar of this blog by then and I hoped to be able to get the mother to view it.

When I told an aide at my nursing home a week later that I had a ten year old girlfriend--already a stretch because she didn't return to the library when I was there the other days--he reported it to his supervisor as an online affair. What did he have against me? They fired him when they found out it was an in-person affair. However, they found that out because they called me in to a tense meeting of all department heads to confront me with the thing and I had a real battle on my hands. Somehow I proved to them I don't have a thing for little girls and instead have no inhibitions about age, arguing that some ten year olds are ready for pairing. I might have cited Rene and Celine Deon, but I didn't think of it. I also got them to say they wouldn't bar me from returning to the library to look for her and continue our courtship/flirtation.

My strategies for courtship were entirely based on logic deductible from her and my behavior in the library. We spoke not a word. Glances were given. We spent time at the same table and she did some walking around. I developed the logic in the succeeding days and it continues to guide me with Crystal.

So it will not be surprising if now my game plan discussion about Crystal comes under greater scrutiny.

In the mean time, I'm going to tell her I will keep dating her forever and when the marriage proposal occurs is not an essential problem. I won't be looking for sexual signs. I will be happy because she goes out with me and doesn't appear to be favoring anyone else nearly as much. I will be able to tell everyone I know that I will be dating her forever.

Back to zero with Crystal.

Having given Crystal time to think about what she would do if and when I were to attempt to kiss her on the lips, I was confident that if I did try it, in a suitable setting, I would get reliable information.

So I tried it a couple days after our talk.

Her response: she turned her face away from me. No kiss on the lips, just a peck on the cheek.

I said nothing and repaired to my bedroom to assess my feelings and this new information. Well, it was clear that she has no intention of ever being romantic with me. It's been a year now that we have been going out fairly regularly and she's had an opportunity to see enough of me that if there were some intention to get romantic, it ought to show itself in a kiss. A kiss is not a big deal. This one was especially well managed, the advance notice given, and a few days passed for her to soak in the message I sent her. I was gentle. I was intentional and certain I had positioned myself to be kissed back if there were any return feelings to the extent of "let's be clear to one another that we have all the equipment and it works" and the only reasons that would tend in the other direction must be either discriminative--she want's someone prettier or cockier--or else she doesn't want to turn her equipment on for some reason, be that some archaic notion of chastity or something more deep and dark. I suspected something deep and dark when we went to the Art Institute and one of the only three works she hesitated over was a very lewd and vulgar female portrait, one of those you wonder what it's doing in an art museum, but then that's art. We walked by a lot of art. Nothing, not one comment or pause, except for these three, but still no comment. We raced through the place. I interpreted her response to the lewd picture as a hint that she had some erotic phantasies about lingerie. I certainly have them. And this work was sufficiently lewd that I think anyone would feel it strongly. But it was not a masterful work. It was crude and accentuated the lewd angle. It was unrealistically proportioned. It played on the guts, not the mind. Somewhere in between lay the heart. Crystal's definitely beat faster over it. Mine a little bit too. So because of this incident I tend to believe her equipment really is in good order, but apparently not in any expressible way.

Well, I'm not on comfortable speaking terms with her. I have no idea what I would need to say to her about all this if I were going to attempt to reach her conversationally over what seems to be essentially a physical disconnect. Realizing this, I returned to her to tell her it was over again.

I appeared to her, said, "One measure of how much you like me is whether you are willing to kiss me on the lips. You wouldn't do it, right?"

She said, "right."

I said, "ok, I'm never going to take you out again."

She said, "ok."

I left the room.

This is much more graphic an exchange than the last time when I asked her if she was attracted to me, and I don't think she will have any trouble figuring out why I won't be asking her out any more, and so I can't see her coming to me again asking why. But then I could be mistaken. In any case, if she does, I will be plain about letting her know that if she wants to go out with me she has to let me kiss her on the lips. It might be taken as a crude position. How does a mechanical issue get into a matter of the heart? But I have taken it very much as a matter of the heart. I never built up a mechanical relationship with her, but a deeply emotional one, for me anyway. I have to look at it as it being necessary for me to protect myself. If she has emotional issues she needs to open up with them. I'm not going to psychoanalyze her, at least not in conversation with her. That's a different kind of relationship.

As for sharing intimate details in public like this, it hasn't got that far. We haven't discussed keeping things private because essentially we haven't shared anything private. So while it may be cheeky of me to discuss her deep, dark, side, none of it is a matter of actual intimacy. It's all speculation.

I have to hope that whoever she ends up choosing as a mate, she will be satisfied. I wish it were me, but it's really kind of a logical bind. If she were to love me, then she must know well who I am, and that takes someone special. If she doesn't love me, then she must not know me well, and that must not be a very special person. It's the bind I've been in ever since I decided to first ask her out. At this point, it's simply too extreme a form of patience to continue courting her after she refused to kiss me on the lips. The logical bind ends with that interaction, and with that decision. The only way for her to restore it this time is to leap. I don't think she has that kind of courage in her, or that kind of inspiration. Nice girl, though. As I said, I hope she finds the right person.

back with Crystal

Yesterday was my birthday and I had the most tremendous birthday gift: Crystal came to me and asked why we haven't been going out. I noted that she had said she wasn't attracted to me and she said she didn't remember saying that. Who's to say what exactly was in her mind when she said it, but the long and short of it is that it doesn't matter. We're back together.

I realized that what I was looking for in originally asking her the question was some sign that she feels the same way I do about us. So I went to her room, sat down on her bed with her, and said, "I'm going to be kissing you on the lips from time to time."

She gave me a look that I've only gotten twice before when passion was flairing between me and a girl, so I gave her the male's look back. She then said we could go out as I had earlier suggested. I had been online and checked out the Museum of Science and Industry, which she had mentioned, and knew they have free days all next week, so I said we could go there. Then she said I could just drop by and pick her up whenever i wanted to go. That seemed to indicate she liked the progress we were making in our conversation at that point, including my intentions to be kissing her on the lips.

So that was quite a birthday gift.

Courtship of Crystal is over.

I have made the final severance with Crystal Newell and will no longer be courting her. I had asked her if she was attracted to me and she said no. For a while I was thinking I would give it some more time, but it is very apparent that this is not going to change. Dating her further would be entertaining impossible changes, and a waste of both time and consideration.

Return to courtship of Crystal Newell

I have been thinking over my decision to terminate my relationship with Crystal Newell after I asked her if she was attracted to me and she said no.

I believe I made a mistake in my decision.

It seems, after reflection, that attraction to you of the girl you are courting is irrelevant. If she goes out on dates with you, you are doing something right, and courship, it seems to me, is a matter of providing the logic, tending the field, and enabling the viscera to fall in place. I just haven't accomplished this last step. If I am assiduous and attentive to her, it should happen. It is a risk. Maybe she never will be attracted to me, and then she certainly wouldn't, and shouldn't, marry me. I think one has to be confident that physical attraction is natural and it is imperfections that prevent it from developing. The logic provides pathways for this to happen, and my own being in touch with my taste, which is clear in its affirmation of this girl's attractiveness, provides the impetus to pursue them, despite repeated frustrations and desperation.

Therefore I have decided to continue to court Crystal, which I don't need to belabor with her since I didn't tell her I broke up with her. I told my roommate and my colleague, Gordon Moen, and I will tell them I have taken her back.

Relationship with Crystal Newell terminated

I asked my girlfriend, Crystal Newell, if she is attracted to me. She said no. So I have terminated our relationship. I won't bother to tell her unless she asks to go out for pizza again. End of story.

Crystal is a straight A student.

In talking with Crystal, my girlfriend, over dinner last Tuesday I learned that she is a straight A student. She does have some B's, but mostly A's. Also, she has all honors classes. Her last year was the junior year in high school. It's not clear if she completed it. The reason she had to leave school was internal medical problems. I don't know yet what the basis is for her residence at Bryn Mawr Care, our nursing home, or her mental illness diagnosis, which I assume she has.

Date with Crystal to N.U.'s Dearborn Observatory

Friday nights at Northwestern University's Dearborn Observatory are free public events and this past Friday I took Crystal.

We waited two hours standing in the dark in line to climb the stairs to look in the eyepiece of the telescope. It was worth it, especially for me, and Crystal said afterwards she had a good time. The object viewed was Jupiter, and you could see two moons very brightly.

I realized after I did a drawing in colored pencil Sunday morning (see previous post) that it was reminiscent of Jupiter.

Crystal and I are going to the Shedd Aquarium this coming Tuesday.

defense of my dispute with a resident over Crystal

After I posted about my dispute with a Bryn Mawr Care resident over Crystal, which see, I had a discussion of it with a good friend who objected to my handling of it because of what he said was my use of violence instead of my "grey matter". I asked this friend for pemission to post to my blog a certain part of my correspondence with him as it seemed to be a good defense of my position. He gave me that permission. Here is the exerpt:

Life in the city, if you're really serious about it, eventually gets you into fights. You can't stake your claim by polite competition, not indefinitely. Crystal does not say I am her boyfriend. I am making progress on that, as you note. One aspect of the pursuit is the consensus in the community about who is pursuing whom. If someone feels comfortable making statements about Crystal that can be interpreted as vying for her despite my making it known I am pursuing her, then the consensus needs some correction. I did that. Mr. Lisk didn't take me seriously as a condition in his role here with respect to Crystal. He was not listening to me when I simply told him she isn't his girlfriend. He would not have listened to me if I simply repeated it, or rephrased it or elaborated. He was content to make such statements without fear of reprisal. I did not accept that this was a necessary situation. There was only one way to change it and I used it. Mr. Lisk felt the fury of my action and was visibly shaken by it. Then I continued in it until I was satisfied he changed his tune. It took every ounce of my grey matter that you cited to me so aptly in a way, to structure my response to get that result--the staging of the battles, the selection of objectives, and the phrasing of statements--as a permanent change in the consensus of the community at the nursing home. Now they all know what I will do if someone rivals me for the hand of Crystal, and it's not unsupported by the degree to which she has allowed herself to be pursued by me. She was present at the final argument that saw Mr. Lisk back down and so she is aware to some extent now of how I am pursuing her in the larger context beyond the two of us alone. It is intelligent. It, if you will pardon my license, is honorable. It certainly is not taking the easier path.

Crystal proves herself a good judge of quality in art

Yesterday I invited Crystal, my girlfriend, to look at the recent colored pencil drawings I have done and pick out those she wants for herself. I was worried about this because I didn't know for sure what her tastes are and it will be one thing to pursue her hand if she has good taste and quite another to pursue her hand if she doesn't.

My greatest fear was that she would want none of them.

However, she picked out four, and I was tremendously encouraged by her selections. Of the nine small works (about 2 1/2"x 4") she picked the one I was confident was the best, two others among the best five, and another I don't recall. This was a quite good yield in terms of being similar taste to my own.

Crystal, like me, is mentally ill.

The obstacle to marrying Crystal and having children, at this point, is that she is mentally ill. My own mental illness I seem to have controlled. Hers is a different matter. She does fine when she is with me--I have the tools to facilitate things. But when she is away from me for any length of time things tend to get frantic. If I can get more time with her I might be able to help her reach a better level. Marriage would give me the time. However it's not a certainty that I can help her. This is a crisis, as it means my plans to raise a family are completely uncertain.

I best a rival suitor for Crystal Newell

Sunday, August 2, 2009, I took Crystal to the DuSable Museum in Garfield Park, Chicago. It is a museum of African American history, and Crystal is black.

It was an excellent trip.

We went after the museum to the campus of the University of Chicago, not far away, where we walked around the grounds and stopped inside a couple of libraries. On the way back to the bus stop we passed Stagg Field, where the first self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction was produced, and I was thrilled by seeing it. That historic achievement was presided over by Enrico Fermi, who became a hero for me when I learned that he had a gap in his teeth. On January 4, 2008, I lost one of my front teeth. That's when I started to look at African descent girls to date. They aren't repulsed by tooth gaps, and some of them are really good looking, like Crystal.

After that we stopped at the Illinois Institute of Technology, where I studied graduate architecture for three years, and I showed Crystal around.

Back at the nursing home, an hour went by and I was standing in the lobby with Crystal nearby and a resident named Keith Lisk came in and said to Crystal, "come and help me unload some snacks."

Crystal went right away with him. I was disturbed that he was taking liberties with her and it seemed as if he was trying to horn in on me.

They came back in with cartons of Coke and I said I would carry the Coke up to his room. I didn't want this little business to continue. Crystal said she would do it. Mr. Lisk said, loudly, "Crystal is my girlfriend."

That was war.

I said, "Crystal is not your girlfriend."

He said, "yes she is."

I said, "no she isn't"

He said, "oh yes she is."

Then he went to move past me to get the Cokes and said "excuse me," expecting me to move aside.

I said, "No."

He said, "Are you trying to start something?"

Then he and Crystal disappeared into the elevator.

I began to plot my attack on this rival suitor.

I decided to challenge him to a fight. The problem was that he is a big guy, customarily wealthy and used to getting his way, and his behavior at this point showed that he didn't respect me. I figured the danger was that he would just ignore my challenge and retain his right to court Crystal separately.

I considered the situation at length and saw that the challenge must be rendered immediately and strategically to prevent him from ignoring it in the long run. I composed a speech: "You're a pretty big guy. Do you think you can beat me?" I went to his room hoping to find him in. He was coming out the door and I immediately issued my challenge, verbatim.

He said, "I don't know." and walked by me and headed down the stairs. I went to the stairway and said to him, "If you don't fight me you're a coward." I had composed that too, before going to his room.

He didn't say anything and kept going. His roommate was there and asked me what I called him. I said, "a coward." His roommate laughed.

Now it was necessary to rally my forces. I went to the activity room where there was a big line of residents waiting for dinner. I announced that I had challenged Kieth Lisk to a fight because he was trying to horn in on me. I called upon a friend there, Ken Houk, to be my second. He said something that showed he was not the right choice and I said forget it. I moved on to Charles Gassman and repeated the call.

Charles had once told me he had been in 50 fights, plus he is a genius. I said that the fight would be at the Lake. He asked what the weapons would be. I said I would suggest that there be no weapons. He asked would it be to the death. I said I didn't want to speak of death. It would be no holds barred, no time limit. He asked when the fight would be. I said Mr. Lisk had not yet agreed to the fight. Mr. Gassman said that if I got him to agree to the fight he would serve as my second. I said ok, that I would get back to him when I got Mr. Lisk to agree to the fight.

Then I addressed the room again and said that this fight had nothing to do with Bryn Mawr Care, nothing to do with mental illness, and the staff was not to be informed.

I was on my way out the door then and Linda, the receptionist, walked in and asked if everything was alright in there. I said, "everything is fine in here" and walked out.

I hovered in the area waiting for Linda to either get ornery, because she surely must have heard the whole speech in the activity room as I spoke very loudly and there was no other sound, or wisely ignore the action which I had successfully brought to a tight conclusion at that stage of development of the battle.

Linda returned to her desk in the lobby. I approached her to be sure she was not going to interject herself in my affairs. I said, "do you have any questions for me?" She said no. I indicated acknowledgment and that was another end in my favor.

I returned to my room and planned my next step. I determined that I needed to repeat to Mr. Lisk what I said before to him as he was going down the stairway.

I went to his room, where he was sitting on his bed, and said, "If you don't fight me you're a coward."

He said, "If you don't get out of here I'm going to call the C.N.A."

This showed he didn't want to fight. It changed the battlefield but it didn't lesson the peril. I would have to face staff now to beat him.

I took a walk to get my bearings and decide my next action. I saw that I would have to approach staff proactively. I decided I needed to go and present my case to the administrator, the top on-site official of the facility.

While still outside I engaged in some martial arts movements and determined I was out of shape, martially. I did my best to limber up. Then I returned to the facility.

I was standing in the lobby and engaged in distracting the staff to keep them from getting involved and to reinforce in their minds I was calm and collected, when Mr. Lisk entered the Lobby and immediately called out, "this man tried to start a fight with me."

I said yes I did, because he was trying to horn in on me.

Staff questioned what I meant by that. I said we all know what that means. Let's not pause in our discussion to figure that out now.

Words were said about violence being not the way to solve trouble, etc. etc. etc. I said the fight would be outside, not inside, with seconds, and no weapons.

Amanda, a case manager on duty tried to imply she knew better what the situation called for. I said her experience was minuscule. More words were said. Then I offered that if Mr. Lisk would guarantee that he would never say to anyone that Crystal is his girlfriend, I would drop my challenge.

Amanda was visibly relieved to hear this and turned to Mr. Lisk and asked if he would guarantee it. The two of them haggled a bit, she repeating my accusation that he had called Crystal his girlfriend, he saying "but she is my girlfriend. My friend." This was effectively where I saw that I would get what I wanted. Amanda asked him again if he would agree to the guarantee and he said yes. Then he got on the elevator and went away.

Amanda asked me if I was satisfied and I said not 100%. There was a lot of side action going on during the argument and Mr. Lisk didn't look me straight in the eye when he made the guarantee. Still, I was fairly sure that things were now in my favor.

Amanda took her position on violence a little further, apparently worried I would press my case again, and I said to her "you have sufficient wisdom for your needs. I would like you to grant the same for me." She didn't get it and said again that violence never solved anything, and I said "there hasn't been any violence." and walked away, still ready for a fight because I had been physically preparing myself for a time unlimited battle at the lake at any moment with a man much bigger in stature than myself.

I didn't see Mr. Lisk again until today, the day after. He didn't avoid my glance but he didn't express the perilous cockiness, and I put a little grin on to allow him to smile back if he wished because I knew he had no chance anymore of rivaling my courtship of Crystal. He didn't smile back, went on talking to people as if nothing had happened, and thus enforced the idea in my mind that he underestimated the stakes regarding Crystal.

This then is where I have taken a stand in pursuit of Crystal Newell. The residents, a large number of them, know what I will do if someone rivals me, and now that I have done it I will do it more freely in the future, having delivered appropriate words in the moment embarking on combat. Physical fights I have had but not in my home state. Now those will accrue to my honor and lend credence to my continuing threat of willingness to enter a fight for what I hold dear.

Crystal sits down with me.

Friday, June 19, at lunch, my girlfriend Crystal came into the dining room (temporarily the activity room) and passed up ten vacant seats to sit across from me. This is the first time she has done that. In the past she has been totally absent of any preference for anyone's company. Wednesday night, June 17, I took her to Millenium Park in downtown Chicago for an outdoors classical music concert. Apparently she thought I showed her off well. I enjoyed her company very much. I stared at her endlessly during Elgar's Enigma Variations. She accepts my stares now. No other girlfriend has done that for me. I think she likes it, though maybe I am imagining it. So long as she lets me do it, it doesn't matter. I need her face close to mine.

Yale day of service

Yale has created what they call the Yale day of service, one day a year where Yale alumni and their friends and family do volunteer work in their communities.

I think I'll ask my girlfriend, Crystal, if she wants to do it with me. I'll still do it myself if she doesn't want to.

I have chosen as site the Primo Center for Women and Children, a homeless shelter in west Garfield park here in Chicago.

Crystal is off restriciton

After putting Crystal on notice she would lose me if she was not able to get off restriciton, and didn't choose to marry me in that case, I mentioned this condition to some staff at the nursing home. They felt it was too strict. I said Crystal wasn't moving on it. They said she had been asking around about it, specifically with the assistant administrator, Dorothy Jackson. This was useful information.

I asked Miss Jackson about it. We talked at some length. She suggested I talk to the clinical director, Pat Blumen, as she was primarily responsible in this matter.

Talking with Miss Blumen, it was apparent she had learned something about me from the last conversation we had had. When I told her I wanted to expedite Crystal getting off restriction she said she had been thinking about it and was ready to take her off, provided the doctor (psychiatrist) approved it.

So she followed through and now Crystal is off restriction.

Crystal can avoid losing me in two weeks by marrying me.

I have additionally stipulated to Crystal that if she does not beat the rap the nursing home has against her then there is one condition under which I would consent to still date her, namely, marriage.

This is a very simple condition in terms of logic.

From her point of view, either she is able to beat the rap on her own or not. If she is, she gets to date me. If she isn't, she gets the option of having me participate in her welfare under protection of the law, if we are married.

From my point of view, either she beats the rap and proves herself able to hold her own in the adverse mental health bureaucracy without my help, and will therefore be able to be in a modern relationship of equality with me, justifying a long courtship and much later marriage, or she doesn't beat the rap, in which case she gets the option of an expeditious marriage which would be somewhat forced on her, and which would necessarily be a more traditional marriage of male dominance, which is the whole reason it is a tenable option since only male dominance by me will enable her to hold her own against the mental health bureaucracy, if she proves unable to do it herself. I am quite able to act out either option for my part, though I would prefer equality.

The substance of the restriction on Crystal is a claim that she got lost on the south side of Chicago, had no money to get back, and had to be brought back by her family.

Crystal's claim, made to me, and I believe hers over theirs, is that she went to Targets on the south side, and had enough money to get home, but her sister showed up there in her car and brought her back from there. I asked Crystal how her sister knew she was at Targets and she said she didn't know.

It isn't unusual, from talking to Crystal over the several months we have dated, for her not to know important details that affect her life materially. She doesn't know if her grandparents are alive. She doesn't know if her parents ever married. Another man than myself, upon hearing of this failing of details, would undoubtedly have ventured into one or another sort of interrogation. Such a tack would have alienated Crystal in the first incident and there would never have been a second. So I believe I know more about Crystal than anyone else in my position would know by now.

While it is impossible to know exactly what Crystal's experience over the full course of her life has been, it is possible to speculate that this highly intelligent and alert young lady has been dealt less than a full hand and is not to blame.

One thing I do not want to do is scandalize Crystal's family. However, it appears to me, and life does not permit us to consider each other's lives very scientifically as would allow me to do better than comment on appearances, that Crystal is in a dysfunctional family with a polished exterior and Crystal is being forced to soldier through life as if she had the polish but is not being credited for suffering the dysfunction.

Here is the reason i say this:

Our nursing home made my meeting Crystal's mother a condition of my taking her out past curfew to see our first opera. The meeting occurred on the day I was working as a judge of election last November. This was actually after the opera but her mother failed to show for an earlier scheduled meeting. We met in the foyer of the church where the election was being held. It had to be quick.

Upon meeting Crystal's mother, whose name I will presently withhold (it is not Crystal's last name), I was immediately impressed with her well dressed appearance, most agreeably accompanied by a startlingly good-looking figure and radiant, definitely glamorous face. After a sketchy introduction I expressed my overwhelming approval of her by embracing her, which she accepted in kind. I looked between Crystal and her and immediately saw that they were exact lookalikes, to the limits of my powers of observation on the fly.

I leaped into a statement about certain bureaucratic difficulties Crystal and I were having but her mother quashed all that, calmed me down, and said she would return on another day when we would have plenty of time to discuss such things.

This was essentially all of our meeting. however it leaves one thing out.

Crystal's mother smelled strongly of alcohol.

This public airing requires me to immediately add that my own brother is now facing a drinking problem and spent some time in a hospital detox recently.

I personally have never had an alcohol problem. I am very sympathetic, however, and if asked to give the world for Crystal's mother, or for my brother, in the interest of helping them fight this addiction, i would gladly do so. When my brother told me of his problem I decided to give up alcohol myself in solidarity. I have broken that promise to myself once in a year, at a time when I felt far from my brother in affection. He has fallen back into drinking since then and I am more likely to not drink as a result. His is the problem, Mine is the symbol. They are both important and both difficult, for completely different reasons.

I cannot expect to have a chance to say to Crystal or her mother that I smelled alcohol on Crystal's mother's breath. I don't expect their circle to read of it here. I hope, however, that the centrality of my life and of this blog, provide the insight into Crystal and her mother, in general and in specific detail, that may just make the difference, in Crystal's life if not in her mother's.

When I told Crystal that if she doesn't beat the rap in two weeks then I will only date her if we get married, she burst out into laughter. It tells me she doesn't have much belief in me. Time will tell whether she is able to think clearly enough to see the logic in marriage as I have laid it out here. I think one aspect of the problem she faces is that she doesn't recognize the logic in what people say, never having seen it before. Maybe now she has.

Crystal's deadline--in two weeks

My nursing home has refused to let me enter the discussion of my girlfriend Crystal's restriction from leaving the facility. She seems to be the victim of stigma of being mentally ill. I would help her fight the stigma if they would let me enter the discussion but they won't. I have consequently told Crystal that if she is not able to win the argument she and I have no future. I have given her 2 weeks, and after that if she hasn't gotten them to admit she is right that she did nothing wrong then i'm calling it quits with her.

This is very troubling. If I fail with Crystal then what hope for me is there with a normal girl? At least the mentally ill have distance from the species. the normal do not and will consequently be even more difficult to fit into my plans for a new species. Homo sapiens are saturated with commitment to the grip of homo sapiens on real estate. It may come to war.

Crystal has a coordinated distraction.

My girlfriend Crystal is suffering a coordinated distraction. It is impossible to locate the coordinates of the distraction without imprinting my own coordinates on her. She probably doesn't know any coordinate system well enough to allow me to do so. So far my only success has been to translate her hazarding into tangible terms, but this doesn't lend itself to my understanding as much as a coordinate connection does.

My discussion here of Crystal is coordinated into my own understanding and helps me to perceive her thinking as an example of playing out of my theory of mental illness.

The only logically valid operation between two mentally ill persons is propagation and this includes all the coordinated operations of enabling that and guaranteeing the survival of descendants. Her hazarding is as valid as mine.

It may be possible to coordinate propagation and facilitate descent without actually knowing her distraction's coordinates. I don't know my own, after all, and that has not prevented me from exploring the working of my theory of mental illness. If i can create coordination it should be easier to translate her hazarding into tangible terms.

I will rush to coordinate with her.