A diagnosis for my condition.

Although I have been given various diagnoses all within the mental illness category, I now believe my diagnosis is not mental illness and the mental illness I have is completely an effect of my actual condition--transvestic fetishism.

I come to this conclusion after reading the wikipedia entry on transvestic fetishism. This is not the end of the matter. This wikipedia entry says that,

"Occurrence of transvestic fetishism is uncorrelated to occurrence of gender identity disorder.^[1] Most men who have transvestic fetishism do not have a problem with their assigned sex."

After long soul-searching I have come to the conclusion I do have gender identity disorder. I used to not exhibit it, but this was mostly because I was afraid to embrace my condition and live it as fully as I really wanted to.

Since beginning cross-dressing in my apartment--and never outside it--I have seen that I am picking up little cues at every turn to my preference for having female anatomy. This is difficult to a certain extent because the two genders have primary characteristics that are different. But the imagination, once it sets its mind, can make up for a lot of this.

I don't like the stories I have heard about sex change operation results and I don't have the money for one even if I did.

The wikipedia entry says that transvestic fetishism

"is categorized as a paraphilia in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association."

I'll have to look that up.

The entry also says that the condition

"causes clinically significant distress or impairment, whether socially, at work, or elsewhere."

This is the explanation for my diagnosis of various mental illnesses. The wording here is critical--"clinically significant."

Now I can tell my psychiatrist about it.

Chicago Tribune article concerning mental illness developments in Illinois

Here is a Chicago Tribune article about a recent development in Illinois's provisions for the mentally ill. Apparently the Tribune did an investigation and found significant poor conditions in nursing homes for the mentally ill, and this development came about as a result. My nursing home has not been closed in these actions.

The decision of the department of astronomy at Yale to admit me to their Ph.D. program starting in 1980 was a validation of my decision-making in something of a general way.

As such, it forces critics to look at outside reasons for my mental collapse in 1974. I was disregarded then by Ralph Montgomery and Bob Turner, who both held the position of Associate in the firm The Architects Collaborative where I was working as an apprentice, as a serious candidate for promotion as a seeker of the position of architect. Whether it was because I engaged in banter as a peer in the office, and in so doing left myself open to private judgments which may have been uncomplimentary because of the feeling of architects that as an apprentice I ought to not radiate my humanity so much because to them it was looked upon as superiority because they were not able to do it themselves to such a degree, that speculation is certainly relevant to any assessment of the events then as being either explanatory, or not, of the collapse. When the course of my employment had gone so far as to cement in everyone's eyes just what kind of an architect I looked to becoming, it was then time to watch what was made of it, and it so happens that just about nothing was made of it. In particular, no private gestures were made. Professions work by such gestures. Without them nothing evolves. And receiving none myself, it became tacitly obvious to me I was not going anywhere in that firm on the merits of my personal radiance. However, it was my feeling then, as it is now, that my humanity was uncommonly good and occupied a higher class of considerations than mere craft. Seeing no private gestures, I could come to only one conclusion--the firm that I had attributed good judgment to, as among the best in the profession from my vantage point, was unresponsive to my better nature, something I had come to appreciate as readily getting a positive response from friends at Yale as an undergraduate, people who had no need to see it as acting superior because they had no deficits themselves in terms of human radiance, each in his own way.

Because the firm did not warm to me professionally, and it was apparent that its judgment was equivalent to that of the whole profession, my entire dedication to the profession was dealt a serious blow. I could not sustain the exploration of all avenues of personal development as an architect. But it was a logical negative factor, being an across the board effect of equal volume everywhere, devaluing all my accumulated efforts, rather than a sharp effect on any single stand I had taken. No alternative reaction to what I actually did do was possible, and any fishing for such alternatives must begin with a rejection of one or other of my most innate qualities and long-established patterns of behavior.

Now you could say, "well, he didn't get promoted and became depressed." But this leaves out the fact that I was deeply involved in office life, and had a stake in everyone's own lives. I didn't know how important it was to look for private gestures. I thought my public stance would naturally lead me up the ladder of public promotion. It was my youth and lack of appreciation for minute interactions because I had never had a fulfilling romance, one that would slow me down and speed me up where those had natural rewards, respectively. All my romantic efforts to that date had been wild guesses, because my family life trailed behind my personal life, for better or worse, and this left me in a major struggle to find satisfaction in love. So when I felt great, I radiated it. At Yale, it was apparent where I was coming from because they had some idea of the kind of problems faced by people who outdistance their families. In architecture, it's more of a public world, and there are rough seas. People rely on private gestures because the public ones are so dangerous. I lived dangerous that way, living as a public person, because I sensed somehow I had a problem of rarity, one that only a rare confidante could comment to in any way, and in the mean time, life beckoned so I had to put my business out in public and play those risks as the only way to present myself fully. Well, bam, it went awry and I became mentally ill. But eventually I did meet the rare confidante. And pursuing that meeting, I was admitted to Yale's Ph.D. program in astronomy, a proof of good decision-making. But as a way to meet the rare confidante it was still dubious. I chose to go off medication, in order to confront the problems of love over developing the tools of craft. I travel this world not as a functional intelligence, but as a lack of a lover, until I find one. Hopefully Crystal Newell is the one. Yale's acceptance proved I had the makings of craft. In my position, really known only by me, this was a signal to look for love in a certain way, different from how I had looked before then. It was something I had needed ever since grade school, and all the romantic deprivation I had suffered then and afterwards was put into perspective by that acceptance, and assured me in a specific way that what I felt intuitively about my worth for love had actual proofs in the real world. It was time for a general release of conformity with expectations. It was time for walking into the world at large, perhaps no different a time than birth. It was time to risk, and ultimately to embrace, homelessness.

And in that decision to go off medication, there was enough sense and wisdom to lead me ultimately to be tapped by the Chicago elite society as a first. Same person, making the same decisions, to the same end. Part of recovering from mental illness is satisfying everyone that the decisions you made going into it were good ones. I have tried here to do that. Judge for yourself.

Why I went insane.

I believe I know why I became mentally ill.

In my freshman year at Yale I had an intuition about the direction my life would take. I saw myself working in some inner city on behalf of the poor, with my own means totally unprovided for. I carried this into my preparations for a career at Yale, and when I got a job afterwards in an architecture office I continued to pursue this concept, and found no place for it in the profession and went nuts trying to find a place for it.

Today I face this same fate: no means, because my preparation was for no means and it's too late to make other arrangements. I am unable to conceive of anything related to money, so I am unemployable, and my English Transformation Art is not looking like a good sell.

Crystal, like me, is mentally ill.

The obstacle to marrying Crystal and having children, at this point, is that she is mentally ill. My own mental illness I seem to have controlled. Hers is a different matter. She does fine when she is with me--I have the tools to facilitate things. But when she is away from me for any length of time things tend to get frantic. If I can get more time with her I might be able to help her reach a better level. Marriage would give me the time. However it's not a certainty that I can help her. This is a crisis, as it means my plans to raise a family are completely uncertain.

the case against Bill Wilt

I am going to, in this and coming posts, discuss each of the cases of my allegations of covert repression. This is so that each one can be investigated economically.

All the allegations, if validated, carry a death sentence for the entire group of people responsible, both from the time of onset of the repression, and currently. Anyone involved in the repression during any of that time will be put on the death warrant. My coming to be kingpin has not been a process of merely a few showy demonstrations of prowess. It has been one of surviving and keeping my personal style despite repression of various sorts and with various effects, all of them deterring me from either surviving or pursuing my personal style.

The first one I am going to discuss, preliminarily and not exhaustively, will be my uncle, William F. Wilt. I grew up in an atmosphere tinted with admiration for this traitor to my interests. Admired, but never reaching out to me as a potential colleague or protege, he climbed the corporate ladder to become president of a giant American aerospace corporation, Aerojet General. Little did I suspect how little he was aware of my own star developing, but only noting the highlights where they reflected his own directions. I was pursuing exactly what I have attained, namely, becoming kingpin, though I wouldn't have ever been able to tell you that on the way there. My glory is endowed with spiritual qualities concordant with the most vital position in America. His is limited to his place in polite society, albeit an industrious one.

And in industry is the rub. Bill fucking wilt thought I was lazy.

Now those who know me know I am not lazy. but Bill Wilt didn't know that and neither do his ministers currently serving his will on me. Why did he think I was lazy? Because I knew from an early age that I was deemed the carrier of the family leadership as chosen to be so by my mother's mother, and Wilt's mother, namely, Elizabeth Paxton Wilt, and knowing this, I granted myself a circle of pause around me enabling me to relax, for I had great goals, unspecific, but unlimited since I knew of no bounds to the title I had gained from my grandmother. Consequently, I let my hair down and Bill fucking Wilt thought I was profligate. He especially thought I was profligate because I had lost my social position by dropping out of graduate school at Yale when I relapsed after going off medication. Betty Wilt continued to perceive my pursuit of my potential and took me in while the rest of the family poured anathema on me, and in Bill fucking Wilt's case this amounted to covert repression. Deciding to go off medication was a good decision. Not doing so, I would be on Mellaril to this day, and maybe dead because it has that possible result. It also obliterates spirit. It makes you sleepy all day and I was of the opinion I was better than that. My current theory about mental illness is that it is caused intentionally by homo sapiens to cover their asses with respect to language effects leaking when people speak and miss their mark. to do this the species sets a threshold past which everyone susceptible to mental illness is drafted into it. This threshold is applied uniformly throughout the ranks of the species so as to get isotropic distribution of the drafted parts, so it hits good people as well as bad with equal volatility. I believe my theory is correct. Mental illness is no demerit.

I could have avoided Bill fucking Wilt's unattenuated repression by telling him off in the beginning of it, when he had me in his car after I dropped out of Yale and he told me I "need to work". That, however, was an invitation to argument and argument is always enhanced by time and self-discipline. I get to speak now and I choose to issue a death warrant for Bill fucking Wilt's living representatives and all their servants. The evidence is there. It can be proven he has inflicted his personal condemnation on me through his considerable power, and through my superior power I can express my contempt for it, once my allegations are proven.

Why the mentally ill person hears voices only one voice at a time

It needs to be discovered why the mentally ill person's “voices” do not resemble a crowded room with everyone talking at once. Instead, the voices keep themselves to one word expressed at a time.

I believe the answer is in the shape of the sphere of interest. In the mentally ill person that sphere is filled with both interest and exterest. The exterest is where the voices come from. It would seem that the ability to create a word in the mind is a property of the sphere shape, and just as it limits the mentally ill person himself to one word at a time, so too it limits the exterest to one word at a time, even though exterest is populated by many people's roving essential atoms.

This solution brings us to another puzzle. Why are voices so much more powerful than the mentally ill person's own thoughts? His own thoughts always recede in deference to voices. I believe the solution is in an effect i will call “mission”. Mission arises in numbers—numbers of people responsible for the effect of exterest. While normal people only have exterest in their medians, at the outer limits of their spheres of interest, and therefore mission is not great enough to be easily noticed, mentally ill people have exterest throughout their spheres of interest, and therefore mission is pronounced. It carries the impulsiveness of the species' will to survive, a will which any one person does not individually shape, no matter whether ill or normal.

Vying for authority between a mentally ill person and a normal person

When a mentally ill person and a normal person converge on a place and the ill person attempts to engage the normal person in vying for authority over some functional aspect of the place, the situation in the mentally ill person's mind is one of logical links leading outward from the place in two strands, one interest type functionality for the mentally ill person, and one exterest type functionality effected by the normal person. In the normal person's mind it is all interest, because they have lots of pure interest type terest and carry this into anyplace where they have authority.

It is the ill person's only hope that he develop his interests in conflict with the interests of the normal person. The two strands are fundamentally different in quality and movement along one is unreasonable to the other, absolutely and without possibility for compromise. Only by superior scaling, bringing in a larger range of considerations and economies, can the mentally ill person prevail over the normal person in a situation where there is vying for authority.

The significance of this result is vast, for it applies to all matters regarding the handling of the mentally ill person's life by the mental health industry.

an incident with the clinical director of the nursing home where i live

An incident typical of the mental health industry:

I approached the clinical director of the mental illness nursing home where I live with a suggestion that they offer a group for people with management skills. There are about five people out of the 180 who live here who I would consider good candidates. Her response: “We're a residential facility. We don't handle employment issues.”

I note that the company that owns this nursing home calls itself SIR Management, SIR standing for “specialists in rehabilitation”. What the hell kind of rehabilitation do they specialize in that doesn't consider the presence of management talent something that should be given a high priority for consideration for a group.

This same clinical director in a recent conversation with me said that friendship between staff and residents is not allowed. Then without a breath she said that she's passionate about her job and that she loves the work. I thought to myself, how can this lady expect anyone to take her seriously if she demands to be considered passionate about people she can't even be friends with. As far as I can tell, being passionate about your job means only one thing: if you get fired it will break your heart. If you ask me anyone who expects job security because getting fired will break their heart doesn't deserve the job over someone who takes a more business-like attitude toward job security.

There isn't a snow-ball's chance in hell of my saying what I think to this lady. She considers me inherantly untrustworthy, like she does all of the residents.

Normal people reject ways of mentally ill because they take more effort.

There is a natural inimicalness between interest and exterest, wherever they exist together, for normal people in only the median, bounded by inner and outer membranes, for the mentally ill throughout the sphere of interest, bounded on the outside by the outer membrane and having no inner membrane at all. This inimicalness produces a struggle, whether normal or ill, and this struggle takes effort to sustain. In normal people where the mixture occurs only in the median there is less volume where this happens and thus less effort involved in sustaining it. In ill people where the mixture is throughout the sphere, there is more volume where this happens and thus more effort involved in sustaining it. The accomplishments of the mentally ill therefore are won at great effort, compared to the case of normal people, and the result of this is that the whole lot of devices, from large to small, developed by the ill person to accomplish what he can are odious to the normal population because of this extra effort characteristic of the devices. The normal people can't sustain such effort. They're not endowed for it. It doesn't appeal to their aesthetics nor to their pragmatism, both being concepts way down the list on the mentally ill person's priorities because these are concepts developed by and for normal people.

Well, i suppose i should be discouraged, but i always turn to the global financial crisis as proof of the merit of my ways, though they certainly have neither aesthetic nor pragmatic appeal. The resources of the normal people are proven to reduce to less merit than mine, a single mentally ill person.

breath of the mentally ill broadcasting their deaths

The breath being the genesis of interest, it is apparent that when a person is ejected from interest, at the onset of mental illness, his breath no longer goes to accomplishments accepted by the species, even though he isn't aware of this loss and goes about his learned role of seeking accomplishments. Instead, his breath goes toward one thing and one thing alone—informing others of his proximity to and arrival at death, a key transition only because it bears on the service he is rendering to normal people as an object of tending, which makes isotropic the expressions in language of normal people. Bears on it because a head count must be maintained at all times. Even though the positions of the mentally ill are irrelevant, their number is relevant. A certain proportion of mentally ill people to normal people is apparently desireable, and the reasons for this might well be guessed. Isotropy is hard to maintain if the proportion is changing rapidly.

This explains why i came to be aware at some point that my breath was being taken for its expression of certainty of the direction of flow, sometimes in sometimes out. I was constantly transmitting a thought expressing truth of my place in the cycle, low breath point, inhale, high breath point, exhale, repeating interminably. I suspect all mentally ill people develop this thought. We are making it easy to know when we are dead. We are not making it easy to know what our plans for the future are. Such plans don't bear on the plans of the species.

language causes war

Mentally ill persons' essential atoms being unprotected by an inner membrane, normal people live in a state of constant incursion on them. This produces the effect of tending: The mentally ill person's mind is a tending pivot point which the normal people bear off of, causing the mentally ill persons to hear voices, and, as mentally ill persons are distributed all over, the normal people are stabilized isotropically, their misdirected comments, that would otherwise spew out into the environment and be picked up by other species, remain centered in the species skull distribution, and don't spew out.

Mentally ill persons are selected from a broad range of human ranks. Their ejection from species interest might be thought to be a result of the irritation they cause the species due to some sort of inherent pathology. But such a mechanism would not result in a uniform distribution of draftees from the population. Irritation is highly special in each case and would not result in uniform frequency. The frequency of the mentally ill is uniform throughout the population, in order to produce isotropy and stabilization of misdirected comments.

From my own case I can assert that it was precipitated by rank strife, a loss of a personal dispute. I believe that this is what the species uses in all cases to generate draftees. The species is turning rank strife into protection from misdirected comments escape.

For reasons connected with my theory of the physical foundation of mental illness, it is claimed by me that when a person first becomes mentally ill his location becomes irrelevant to the species interest. For this reason the locations of the mentally ill are immaterial. They can be put here or there for convenience's sake and it won't affect their being used to achieve isotropic stability of language.

However, because the minds of normal people are dependent on these mentally ill people's minds as tending pivots, everyone, both the mentally ill and the normal people, must be treated by the species together in death, when active language management ends. to maintain the concealment of the effects of language, the species started to bury its dead in boxes. As a result, the anisotropic impulses caused by vision stimulated by all the light of the sun on the earth no longer were deposited into the soil at death.

But because the earth created life for a reason, it needs all these anisotropic impulses to be deposited in the soil, and that is not happening with humans. So the earth is quite able to get what it wants, and causes wars, to inject chaos into the function of deaths and take back the anisotropic impulses of human beings.

So to escape the interminable periodicity of war humans have to find a different system of communication than language.

why in mental illness the inner membrane collapses but the outer one does not

I have to show how my theory predicts that the inner membrane collapses under mental illness but the outer membrane doesn't. Well, there is a connection. I can't show the details because it's all in my own character set which doesn't type, but in general it is that the phenomenon which brings about mental illness is gas exchange in breathing. And since the fetus in the womb doesn't breathe air, the membrane that forms at that time is not vulnerable--the outer one. After birth breath begins, so the membrane that forms then--the inner one--is vulnerable.

mental illness, interest, and exterest--a special case

Mentally ill people, and I speak from experience, have a terrible condition in omniterest. Their entire sphere of interest is equal to a giant median because the inner membrane is collapsed to the very center of the sphere, leaving a median whose thickness is equal to the radius of the sphere. As a result, whenever other people enter the details of the person's interest, no matter how close to the center they get, the nature of the space there is exactly a median, and has properties of the domain outside the sphere and properties of the domain inside the sphere. The inside, however, being contracted completely inside the collapsed inner membrane, is terribly pathological and even though it may be controlled by medication, the medications available only serve to relax this condition and do not resurrect the inner membrane. All throughout the volume of the mentally ill person's sphere of interest, outsiders, because this region is a median in nature, will involve themselves in analysis of the person and will decide whether to remain interested or to depart, just as happens in normal persons' medians, but in the mentally ill this is the dynamic throughout the entire region of interest. There is no real inside where others want to explore at liesure and in comfort, without any pressing urge to depart.

being First

As the part 8 video in the sidebar comments on, I became First in Chicago in 1992.

What does a first person do?

Well, first, he stops trying to become first. He begins finally to make good on all his lifelong promises. So my interpretation of being First was to begin writing a journal. My intent was to cure myself of mental illness. As a result of this, in about 2003, I no longer exhibited symptoms of manic depression, one of my two diagnoses, the other being schizophrenic. The doctor took me off of my medication, Depakote. I continued to take Zyprexa for schizophrenia. Another sign I was done with manic depression was that my blood levels of Depakote were significantly reduced, indicating my system was not using it any more.

This development gave me a much wider sphere of activities, since I no longer had to be collapsing my work schedule because of attacks, my planning could be more comprehensive.

I would never have attempted such a program of self treatment if I had not had the sense of confidence that I had the authority to take on anything I desired.

This is not the end of my mental illness problem. The fact of having a history of being manic depressive is equivalent in the world of employment to the fact of being manic depressive. So i stand a better chance as a freelancer than I do as an employment seeker.

Furthermore, I am still schizophrenic, and that is a much more difficult problem than manic depression. Fortunately, my theory of mental illness gives me an advantage. (See obelisk in the sidebar).

I have a small income as a consultant. I also work as a judge of election. In this way I afford a couple of credit cards.

The plans of any monarch depend on his war chest. He must be time-effective. There are many ways to make money but most of them are fraught with time demands and self-denigration. As a monarch, I prefer to be my own boss.

Being multitalented, I can devote effort to a sequence of things, giving each my full attention.

I was a candidate for public office--Illinois state representative--at the request of the Republican Party, which I have now forsaken in favor of the Democrats. The Republicans didn't thank me when the election was over. I got 2000 votes to my opponent's 20,000, but while the norm in politics is to spend $1 for every one vote one gets, I spent only ten cents.

I began a business as an artist. I decided to learn to do portraits in public of unknowing customers at Starbucks. This I succeeded at--Starbucks held a show of the drawings I did in their store. However, though there was a flood of complimentary remarks on the show, nothing sold, so, after another few months of drawing at other Starbucks locations, I discarded all my work. They weren't commercially valuable.

Now I am developing my pinion of the world economy. It succeeded because I am ecologically situated in greater stability than Homo sapiens, as a result of having been homeless for eight years and finding other ecology units than my own species were able to commerce with me intellectually. While mankind pictures ecology as two tone, man and not-man, I picture it more diversely, and man is not the highest point on the chart. The key is that ranking intensity varies much more than Homo sapiens views it to.

Let's take a break.

working at Hale Observatories

My next experience with computers was at Hale Observatories in Pasadena, CA. as a summer student. I had worked the previous summer at NASA in Mountain View, CA. and decided to transfer to U.C. Santa Cruz for my second bachelor's degree in physics.

At Hale I was in the solar astronomy department, headed by Bob Howard, with post-doc Barry LaBonte. They gave me responsibility for programming on a project to measure the historic sun's radius from data collected at Big Bear solar observatory. I used a Ratheon computer and worked from punched cards and mag tape.

The observatory offices where I worked were right in Pasadena. The 200-inch Hale Reflector was up in the mountains.

The library at the offices was very nice. The librarian gave me a book to read about the observatory's founder, George Ellery Hale. He was a Chicagoan. The reason she gave me that book was that she knew I was mentally ill and Hale had been mentally ill and really struggled with it. He kept seeing this little man who would torment him--a complete phantasm.

When the scientific paper came out on my project, written by Bob and Barry, I got mentioned in a footnote on the first page that said I did competent work. This was actually a nice compliment.

I enjoyed the historic setting at Hale and the people were very congenial. I went to lunch most days with a foursome of Barry, a programmer, and a tech. We would eat at the diner around the corner and had really friendly conversation.

Once a week there was a lunchtime colloquium given by various persons on different astronomical topics. One was given by Allen Sandage, an internationally noted astronomer.

escrow

The only sensible way to actualize payment for my release of the pinion on the world economy is by an escrow, in which payment is deposited by some party who feels the pain of the crisis, in the amount I choose, which is $175,000,000 for simple restoration to normal, and $7,000,000,000 for establishment of a substantial improvement of man's, and life's, fate, this amount to be yielded to me upon agreed upon satisfaction of a measure of fulfillment of my claim of control, whether the small one or the large one. Sounds ridiculous. Test my theory of mental illness first. If you find that false I don't expect you to believe I control the pinion.

the nature of the pinion

Having set down a claim that the current financial crisis is in my power to end, it must be set down some description of the connection between my effects and the effects of the universe. (Why be timid, right?)
There is in the obelisk at left (update: obelisk removed because it is in doubt.) an implication that to derive this explanation of mental illness some science is necessary. No one will venture to ask what such science might be unless they find the explanation credible. I am not going to reveal the science, but the explanation might be found reasonable and some may wonder what the science is. I will say that it is sufficient to describe all life in terms of physics.

So being mentally ill, needing to figure it out, and succeeding, I am the sole Homo sapiens keeper of a physical description of life sufficient to begin or end a global financial crisis. I didn't actually decide to cause it. I decided to cause a negative result for life of unpredictable magnitude, a cause which I can reverse or worsen at my option, which decision on my part is communicated to Homo sapiens and they allowed to do as they please toward me, which to now is as a draftee into mental illness with all the misery there attached. Now, however, there is the matter of my decision to act one way or the alternate way which may or may not relate to global financial conditions.