labeling paraphrased material as mine in the third grade

I have an important confession and apology to make concerning my life of writing.

Just recently I have been reading the Chicago Manual of Style and I happened to come upon a statement that the law of the united states considers paraphrase to be equivalent to copying in matters of copyright infringement.

When I was in the third grade I entered an essay contest sponsored by the Daughters of the American Revolution. I chose the topic of how people tried to find a water route from the newly discovered east coast of the new world through to the orient. It so happens that I was unable to conceptualize in English any of my thoughts about this topic or my studies of it. Setting upon the task of writing I decided in desperation to paraphrase all my sources. Furthermore, I did not get permission to do so from the copyright holders of the material I copied, which at that age I was not in any way tutored in just how to do that. I sensed that paraphrase might be unsportsmanlike or worse, just how much worse I did not fully try to anticipate. In view of my findings of late, I am now certain. It was unlawful use of others' work and I had no right to claim the essay I created as my own, especially since I was competing for a coveted prize. I won nothing with my essay, which disappointed me only because I considered myself a good student with a record of consistent superior performance, scoring high in my schoolwork without much notice by myself of the good qualities of my work. I never saw the other students' work, pretty much, so I had nothing to compare it to. This was a public school education.

Had I been aware of myself sufficiently, I would have stopped at the moment I realized my English was not up to the task of the essay and planned out for myself an ambitious course of self-study to learn how to express my thoughts in speech and writing--I was not very good getting my points across in speech either. Such a course of study would have meant practicing the solution of very precisely formulated problems, starting with simple but challenging ones. I certainly would have resigned from the essay contest.

However, I stayed in the contest and paraphrased and now I must offer an apology especially to the authors of the work I paraphrased for labeling as mine what really was theirs and not mine in the least. The academic world depends on fairness according to the law for its reasonable good functioning and by putting aside my second thoughts about paraphrasing I damaged the foundation on which I was building for future possible participation in academia or the general field of writing. So much misery could have been avoided...

overpowering by exterest, its possible abuse

There seems to be a difference between interest and exterest in the mentally ill person's mind in that interest is metabolically maintained by one person while exterest is maintained by the population. This results in a partial representation of a sphere by the vision, because one person's vision does not receive an impression from the full 4 pi r squared spherical area around it, and this limits interest to a partial nature in that way, while the exterest is fully 4 pi r squared in nature.

This difference give a great advantage to exterest over interest, and may be the reason mental illness is so overpowering. I had earlier given a proposal that this overpowering was a result of the growth of the median, through all radii which the median occupies as it grows. This earlier suggestion would seem to be weaker than the current suggestion, that it is the complete sphericalness of exterest that gives it more power than interest.

It also would seem that the same difference of extent would enable parties of such a mind to abuse the mentally ill to do so, because it might be possible to create effects that the mentally ill person cannot see, effects based in the part of the body which the vision cannot monitor. Until I suggested this possibility no one thought of it and if it is going on, it has not been suspected or looked for.

the case against Bill Wilt

I am going to, in this and coming posts, discuss each of the cases of my allegations of covert repression. This is so that each one can be investigated economically.

All the allegations, if validated, carry a death sentence for the entire group of people responsible, both from the time of onset of the repression, and currently. Anyone involved in the repression during any of that time will be put on the death warrant. My coming to be kingpin has not been a process of merely a few showy demonstrations of prowess. It has been one of surviving and keeping my personal style despite repression of various sorts and with various effects, all of them deterring me from either surviving or pursuing my personal style.

The first one I am going to discuss, preliminarily and not exhaustively, will be my uncle, William F. Wilt. I grew up in an atmosphere tinted with admiration for this traitor to my interests. Admired, but never reaching out to me as a potential colleague or protege, he climbed the corporate ladder to become president of a giant American aerospace corporation, Aerojet General. Little did I suspect how little he was aware of my own star developing, but only noting the highlights where they reflected his own directions. I was pursuing exactly what I have attained, namely, becoming kingpin, though I wouldn't have ever been able to tell you that on the way there. My glory is endowed with spiritual qualities concordant with the most vital position in America. His is limited to his place in polite society, albeit an industrious one.

And in industry is the rub. Bill fucking wilt thought I was lazy.

Now those who know me know I am not lazy. but Bill Wilt didn't know that and neither do his ministers currently serving his will on me. Why did he think I was lazy? Because I knew from an early age that I was deemed the carrier of the family leadership as chosen to be so by my mother's mother, and Wilt's mother, namely, Elizabeth Paxton Wilt, and knowing this, I granted myself a circle of pause around me enabling me to relax, for I had great goals, unspecific, but unlimited since I knew of no bounds to the title I had gained from my grandmother. Consequently, I let my hair down and Bill fucking Wilt thought I was profligate. He especially thought I was profligate because I had lost my social position by dropping out of graduate school at Yale when I relapsed after going off medication. Betty Wilt continued to perceive my pursuit of my potential and took me in while the rest of the family poured anathema on me, and in Bill fucking Wilt's case this amounted to covert repression. Deciding to go off medication was a good decision. Not doing so, I would be on Mellaril to this day, and maybe dead because it has that possible result. It also obliterates spirit. It makes you sleepy all day and I was of the opinion I was better than that. My current theory about mental illness is that it is caused intentionally by homo sapiens to cover their asses with respect to language effects leaking when people speak and miss their mark. to do this the species sets a threshold past which everyone susceptible to mental illness is drafted into it. This threshold is applied uniformly throughout the ranks of the species so as to get isotropic distribution of the drafted parts, so it hits good people as well as bad with equal volatility. I believe my theory is correct. Mental illness is no demerit.

I could have avoided Bill fucking Wilt's unattenuated repression by telling him off in the beginning of it, when he had me in his car after I dropped out of Yale and he told me I "need to work". That, however, was an invitation to argument and argument is always enhanced by time and self-discipline. I get to speak now and I choose to issue a death warrant for Bill fucking Wilt's living representatives and all their servants. The evidence is there. It can be proven he has inflicted his personal condemnation on me through his considerable power, and through my superior power I can express my contempt for it, once my allegations are proven.

the question of notification I am a kingpin

It could be offered that issuing death warrants for parties which have not been notified that I am a kingpin is somehow improper. This offering is rejected. It is an advantage to be a kingpin in secret, and this advantage enables me to act powerfully in secret to meet secret menaces. Why should i limit myself in a way in which my adversaries do not limit themselves?

a better way than Christianity for the United States

The United States cannot improve others with Christianity. It would not be able to improve others with islam. from the position of having a preliminary proof of the better way than being better, It is impossible to devote time to comparison of religions.

United States no longer corrupt and materialistic in my view

With the election of Barack Obama I consider that the United States can no longer be characterized as a corrupt, materialistic society, and therefore I look for a change in policy of radical Islam toward this country inasmuch as I think of that faction as innocent and aware of realities and therefore as able as I to perceive the implications of the election. I await signal of this change and if they do not come in a reasonable amount of time I will change my policy of support for radical Islam to one of opposition, to the furthest extent of my powers.

Crystal has a coordinated distraction.

My girlfriend Crystal is suffering a coordinated distraction. It is impossible to locate the coordinates of the distraction without imprinting my own coordinates on her. She probably doesn't know any coordinate system well enough to allow me to do so. So far my only success has been to translate her hazarding into tangible terms, but this doesn't lend itself to my understanding as much as a coordinate connection does.

My discussion here of Crystal is coordinated into my own understanding and helps me to perceive her thinking as an example of playing out of my theory of mental illness.

The only logically valid operation between two mentally ill persons is propagation and this includes all the coordinated operations of enabling that and guaranteeing the survival of descendants. Her hazarding is as valid as mine.

It may be possible to coordinate propagation and facilitate descent without actually knowing her distraction's coordinates. I don't know my own, after all, and that has not prevented me from exploring the working of my theory of mental illness. If i can create coordination it should be easier to translate her hazarding into tangible terms.

I will rush to coordinate with her.

Dave Ristau in the seventh grade

Dave Ristau was a student in my honors English class in the seventh grade. He was one of the top gangsters in the school at that time. How could he get into an honors class?

Very simple, if you'll permit me a little speculative license.

I was known as promising. Little was it known just how promising i was. The Italian mafia knew exactly how promising i was. They wanted a piece of my action.

When JFK was assassinated it happened during honors English class and Dave Ristau was in the back watching me. The mob had JFK assassinated. The mob was going to ride me to the presidency.

Well it didn't happen. Instead, i beat them at their own game and became kingpin, taking Obama to the White House on my coattails. So now they have to accept the black race as equals. I don't think all of them like it. They will have to adjust.

dating across generations

Courtship involves both genders making a search of their universe for hazards. Dating is going out as a team incorporating the wisdom of the species in its comprehension of hazards as distinct from dangers, which are without a science somewhere in authority over them while hazards have it. Each generation hazards into the universe in a different state of advancement of the species on its dangers. When two people of distinctly different generations court and date, their hazarding must necessarily involve a much larger scale of species issues, or their connection will be too small and fail. hazarding in a larger scale is something no one teaches, and there is a possibility for great disaster. When Pythagoras married one of his students, they witnessed the destruction of the welcome of his school among the people in ancient Greece, who burned it down. Both my girlfriend, crystal, and I have immediately witnessed disasters. She a restriction on her activities. I a computer error of major scale. Time will tell if we solve these problems.

Crystal is on restriction at our nursing home.

My girlfriend, Crystal Newell, was put on restriction over a week ago. That means she can't leave the facility without an escort.

The incident which brought this about, as best i can gather, was an argument over just what she is able to do under her own authority. She decided to take a bus trip to Targets, and did so. At some point after returning she got into an argument involving her mother and her sisters over whether she should have made the trip. Staff got involved in the argument at some point. I am not sure just why it is alleged she should not have made the trip. The little i have been able to learn about it does not seem to me to be a credible complaint if one assumes Crystal has the right to go where she wants.

Once a mentally ill person is censured, it is pointless to argue. Their credibility is nil and arguing only tightens the vise. The facts of the situation are not viewed in the priorities of the mentally ill person. Crystal is young and has not learned either the danger in argument nor any good means of working around it.

Now she and i are both penalized. We cannot go out of the facility on a date. Our next one is scheduled for the sixteenth of this month to see Wagner's Tristan und Iseult at Lyric Opera.

I have asked Crystal what she intends to do to get off restriction but she doesn't seem to have any ideas and the situation doesn't seem to be evolving in her favor.

The people who have jurisdiction are her doctor, the clinical director, and the administrator. None of them is a colleague of mine so i am loath to approach them and reason.

Crystal defers to her mother's decisions. Growing out of that is not going to be without complications and if i am to be an important part of Crystal's life i must be willing to take some part in them, provided Crystal accepts me in such a role. It would appear that my place in all this at the present is on the outside standing ready to speak. Anything i say must be regulated and come from a knowledgeable position. Bad ideas will blow up immediately. My way with words is not arbitrarily potent but i am learning quite a bit from talking to Crystal. I am worried that she is not applying herself to speech, and this inhibits her rate of learning the dangers of argument for a mentally ill person. Her economy of conversation can be a great advantage, but only if she sees in it moments of opportunity for such learning.

The imperative in argument to refrain from profanity is a hard task-master. Being around people who are basically strangers here is an open invitation to use of threats and cursing. The staff doesn't know any more about handling it than the residents and Crystal's superior standing on this score is apparently not making an impression on anyone. It may be a problem of education. She only got to her sophomore year in high school. Why? She is intelligent. Her speech economy needs to learn the value of addressing a group. She is being buried in idiosyncrasy and her good looks are no defense against this.

Interest breath swamped by exterest breath throughout the sphere of interest.

Before the onset of mental illness, as the sphere of interest expands under the impulse of the growing inner membrane nourished by the breath of the person, the median is always a spherical shell. And as we saw in a recent post, the spherical shape produces the effect of a voice, limited to one such, and for exterest in the median this voice is impelled by mission, the impulse of survival of the species in numbers. Thus this impulse is imprinted on the sphere of interest throughout, because the median passes through every radius from zero to the full size of the sphere of interest.

Then when mental illness hits and the inner membrane disintegrates, exterest flushes into the sphere and the entire history of its impulse passing from zero radius to the radius of the inner membrane is apparently restored. Breath inherent in interest is commingled with breath impulse inherent in exterest and at every juncture interest breath is way behind on the multifaceted schedule of exterest breath, which now fills the entire sphere, swamping the person's own schedule of breath in a wash of species survival impulse strength.

Homosexual policy

I said in an earlier post that homosexuality needs to be stamped out. Here is how I would do it.

I propose a world-wide policy: no homosexual may come within communication distance to any minor. The punishment for a first offense is death.

Why the mentally ill person hears voices only one voice at a time

It needs to be discovered why the mentally ill person's “voices” do not resemble a crowded room with everyone talking at once. Instead, the voices keep themselves to one word expressed at a time.

I believe the answer is in the shape of the sphere of interest. In the mentally ill person that sphere is filled with both interest and exterest. The exterest is where the voices come from. It would seem that the ability to create a word in the mind is a property of the sphere shape, and just as it limits the mentally ill person himself to one word at a time, so too it limits the exterest to one word at a time, even though exterest is populated by many people's roving essential atoms.

This solution brings us to another puzzle. Why are voices so much more powerful than the mentally ill person's own thoughts? His own thoughts always recede in deference to voices. I believe the solution is in an effect i will call “mission”. Mission arises in numbers—numbers of people responsible for the effect of exterest. While normal people only have exterest in their medians, at the outer limits of their spheres of interest, and therefore mission is not great enough to be easily noticed, mentally ill people have exterest throughout their spheres of interest, and therefore mission is pronounced. It carries the impulsiveness of the species' will to survive, a will which any one person does not individually shape, no matter whether ill or normal.

An organism can aim to exceed others.

An organism can aim to exceed others against common obstacles. Jesus expanded the idea of common obstacle from seen to known, but he still aimed to exceed others and no more. He lived in a species world where common obstacles were seen and learning was therefore by comparison of one image of conduct and another, in other words, by example.

a proof in solitude

A proof in solitude is subjected to all the turbulence of an environment lacking proofs. One species can hardly expect to produce a proof that stands up to space.

Improving others, a better way than just being better

You can't improve others so that they will improve others unless you prove to others that there is a better way than just being better. Jesus was better than everybody but he didn't have any way to improve others so what he taught was being better, not improving others. You can't adapt Jesus's way to improving others so that they improve others. It has no activist core. Every moment you spend observing how much better you are is a moment you aren't improving others by proof. I grew up learning in an example centered world. My center when I escape to solitude is an example, not a proof. A proof in solitude lacks the measure of a proof in public. Diplomacy is not a public proof. Instruction is recreation of the conditions in which I am not trying to improve others. I am trying to prove to others that there is a better way than just being better. They won't listen to anyone doing a proof. They will only listen to an example, and an example is no good unless it is successful.

Sort of high minded. But it's a note to myself I didn't think I would post until I came online.

explanation of the previous post about staff at my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care

The scribd document, “some staff at my nursing home”, in the preceding post, needs a little explanation.

The second column, “familiarity score, 1000 scale/percent error estimate”, is an estimate by me of the familiarity of each staff member with me, on a scale from 1 to 1000, and, after the slash, an estimate of the percent error of that estimate of familiarity.

The third column, “professional score relative to position”, is my estimate of the professional quality of each staff members job performance, on a scale from 1 to 1000, where 1000 represents doing the job perfectly.

I have given error estimates for familiarity with me but not for job performance because i know more about the ideal score for familiarity than i do for job performance.

Bryn Mawr Care, my nursing home

located at 5547 N. Kenmore, Chicago, IL 60640

phone: 773-561-7040

owned by SIR Management.

“These facilities are licensed, regulated and inspected at least annually by the Illinois Department of Public Health.”--IDPH website.

some information about some staff at my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care

Some of the Staff at My Nursing Home

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Business Spreadsheets nursing homes

some information about some residents at my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care

Some of the Residents in My Nursing Home

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Business Spreadsheets nursing homes

numerical base notation

Numerical Base Notation

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Published Research Academic Work notation conventions number base

random base sixteen 28

@# 286c6c3d @#

random base sixteen ef

@# ef27967e @#

i had a beautiful conversation with my girlfriend Crystal. when i told her i had announced on the internet that she is my girlfriend, she said "oh" in such a delighted way that it erased all doubts that she likes me romantically. plus, she said some things a most personal way, very intelligently. this is a first. i hope to live up to its promise.

Choice of race by whites

It is better for white males and females to choose as mates black females and males, respectively.

Vying for authority between a mentally ill person and a normal person

When a mentally ill person and a normal person converge on a place and the ill person attempts to engage the normal person in vying for authority over some functional aspect of the place, the situation in the mentally ill person's mind is one of logical links leading outward from the place in two strands, one interest type functionality for the mentally ill person, and one exterest type functionality effected by the normal person. In the normal person's mind it is all interest, because they have lots of pure interest type terest and carry this into anyplace where they have authority.

It is the ill person's only hope that he develop his interests in conflict with the interests of the normal person. The two strands are fundamentally different in quality and movement along one is unreasonable to the other, absolutely and without possibility for compromise. Only by superior scaling, bringing in a larger range of considerations and economies, can the mentally ill person prevail over the normal person in a situation where there is vying for authority.

The significance of this result is vast, for it applies to all matters regarding the handling of the mentally ill person's life by the mental health industry.

Courtship of Crystal Newell continues

More action with Crystal Newell, my girlfriend:

She doesn't consider me worthy of being her only boyfriend, though she does seem willing to let me tell everyone she's my girlfriend.

Today at dinner I sat down at a table in the dining room filled with people. Then Crystal came in and walked right past me and sat down at a table at the other end of the room where another guy was eating. I decided to act.

I got up with my tray and sat down at Crystal's table. I proceded to eat, watching her eat.

In a minute or so I hit upon a conversation to strike up. I said, “you know I'm courting you.” She looked confused. I said, “do you know what that means?” more confusion. I said, “it means I'm fighting for your hand.” more confusion. She said, “my hand?” I said, “yeah. Do you know what that means?” she said no. I said, “it means I want you to consider me your only boyfriend.” she seemed noncommital so I risked a “isn't that nice?”

Then she made a belittling face and a little wince, all combined into one. No words thouogh.

This continues to be a difficult courtship. I'm not sure yet how much she knows about courtship, or how much experience she has with it. Just what the quality of her amorous aspirations are is hard to tell. If they're high, I stand a chance. If they're low, that is, more or less gutteral, then I don't stand any chance at all and she's just enjoying going out with me because it beats hanging around the nursing home, but apparently even then it doesn't beat it by much considering how easy it was for her to tell me on practically the eve of the second opera, which I cancelled with her because of this, that her mother might be coming in to see her on the day of the opera and she might not be able to go.

For me it's a logical step by step process of eliminating every chance that her amorous aspirations are high. As long as there remains one chance of it I am going to give her every opportunity to show it. The logic is brutal. Once the last chancNe is removed the courtship will be zero. Not “over”. Zero. Right now it's one.

multiple females

Homeless in the New Haven, CT, area in 1981, it occurred to me I could make a little nomey without having to contend with competition by working as a model for artists.

The first class I modeled for was at Paier School of Art, I believe in West Haven.

What i did there is not for public expression here because this is not an adult content blog. It can be said, however, that after class, the model for a neighboring class came over and complimented me on my work.

I did artists' modeling work when I was able throughout homelessness.

One job that stands out was at the Cambridge Adult Education Center in Cambridge, MA. Unbeknownst to me until I got there, it was an all female class. They were playing traditional oriental music all during the class. Their ages were widely ranged, from just adult to senior citizen, about 15 women in all.

I posed on a turntable. The members of the class took turns rotating the turntable every ten minutes or so.

Tell the minors to skip the next sentence.

Artists models pose in the nude.

I believe I was asked to do this class of women because of my handling of a situation in a previous class. After that class as I was leaving the classroom I was greeted understatedly by a girl student and we talked for a few moments. She was nervous. I concluded she was thinking about how nice it would be to invite me to her home or something like that and have sex. I had been clued in by one of the administrators at the center that hustling by models was common, normal, and acceptable. My own belief was that it was not proper. So in talking with this girl I was careful to be honest in my attraction to her just as she was honest in her attraction to me, but also careful not to steer the conversation towards taking advantage of her attraction to me for money. The conversation ended naturally and no invitation was given and I made no suggestion of a deal. There were other people still in the room but they paid no attention to us. I was not able to suggest a date free from hustling only because I was penniless and couldn't afford to entertain her in my customary way and I have never asked women to treat me simply because I couldn't treat them but wanted to go out with them. This was my way homeless just as much as it was and is not homeless. Some women have treated me, and in one instance I was materially at a loss and lived materially not at a loss because of a woman's treating me, with complicated feelings about this. I think this is a strong position and its evidencing itself was the reason I was asked to model for the class of all women. I have never spoken of this incident until now.

It is to be reported in light of that experience that one night when I was living in Chicago after leaving IIT and had very little money I went for some coffee at the nearby Burger King and upon entering and standing in the entrance I looked into the restaurant and saw a gathering of about a dozen females, all about the same age, maybe 25, dressed in business attire. Their glances were there and abouts, but when one girl saw me she looked at me more, and then others in the group looked at me and looked at me more, and then all of them were looking at me. All in complete silence and keen attention. I just looked at them back.

They started getting their drinks, went and sat at some tables together, and were very silent. They were definitely paying attention to me still.

I got my drink and decided this was a moment for whatever I could do in the way of action. I sat down at the table next to them. They all sat there, silently, and looked here and abouts. I sat looking here and abouts myself, thinking of something to say, if possible. Nothing occurred to me. It was a situation new to me and I had no words that suited.

Then one of the girls said into the public space, with normal volume, “it's unfortunate we can't speak.” or something to that effect. I still didn't know what to say and wasn't willing to abuse my social position, for what it was worth, to take advantage by saying something suggestive. A partner twelve-fold is twelve times as demanding. I've often wished since then I had found something to say.

When i was in college the first time I met a girl in public in Chicago and we had sex that night in her apartment. She told me she had a lot of girlfriends who would like to do the same with me if I wanted. I was just enough concerned about the danger I was already in that it was easy for me to decline this invitation.

an incident with the clinical director of the nursing home where i live

An incident typical of the mental health industry:

I approached the clinical director of the mental illness nursing home where I live with a suggestion that they offer a group for people with management skills. There are about five people out of the 180 who live here who I would consider good candidates. Her response: “We're a residential facility. We don't handle employment issues.”

I note that the company that owns this nursing home calls itself SIR Management, SIR standing for “specialists in rehabilitation”. What the hell kind of rehabilitation do they specialize in that doesn't consider the presence of management talent something that should be given a high priority for consideration for a group.

This same clinical director in a recent conversation with me said that friendship between staff and residents is not allowed. Then without a breath she said that she's passionate about her job and that she loves the work. I thought to myself, how can this lady expect anyone to take her seriously if she demands to be considered passionate about people she can't even be friends with. As far as I can tell, being passionate about your job means only one thing: if you get fired it will break your heart. If you ask me anyone who expects job security because getting fired will break their heart doesn't deserve the job over someone who takes a more business-like attitude toward job security.

There isn't a snow-ball's chance in hell of my saying what I think to this lady. She considers me inherantly untrustworthy, like she does all of the residents.

Crystal Newell is my girlfriend. You may tell anyone.

I posted recently that I've been dating a girl for a few months, a girl by the name of Crystal Newell. Tonight I told her I'm going to tell everyone she's my girlfriend. This was a critical moment. She is quite capable of perceiving a breaking point, even though she is mentally ill, like me, especially if she is composed, hears the words clearly, and is given plenty of time to make a response.

First I asked her in the activity room of the nursing home where we live. She didn't say anything. The activity worker who was right there was startled by the directness of my statement. He asked me, “did you say you're going to tell everyone she's your girlfriend?” Then he asked, “are you guys dating?” I looked at him smiling and let him know that yes, we are. Crystal still didn't say anything.

Then later she left the room. It was time for my medications—I portion out my meds myself, it's called self-meds—so I left the room after her. As I approached the elevator I noticed that she was there getting on. I got on with her and we were the only ones in the elevator. It started to go up. I knew I had to get her consent to start telling everyone she is my girlfriend. We hadn't mentioned the words girlfriend or boyfriend until I did tonight and it's not something I assumed she would welcome. I needed her to say it was okay.

So I told her again there in the elevator, “I'm going to tell everyone you're my girlfriend.”

What do you suppose she said?

She said, “all right.”

So now the relationship has reached a certain level of stability. She may not have needed it but it will help me in my pursuit of her in the larger world. I can insert talk of her as my girlfriend into any of my affairs with any of my friends, family, and associates, without having to place caveats of tentativelness or uncertainty.

Crystal is young, twenty five. She is more or less beginning to define her own sexual values. As far as I can tell these are extremely ethical and unswayed by convention or consensus. I prize her affections more than I ever did any other girl's.

I continue to be convinced that there are the makings here of a line of heirs. I must push forward on establishing an income.

university business

I periodically receive a phone call from a current UCSC student who tells me what is happening on campus and asks about my affairs. This is always a pleasant conversation. They always come at it with a preparation to hear anything and adapt to my circumstances. They know i gave the university twenty dollars a few years ago and they ask if I can give again. I cant but I don't mind them asking.

The physics and astronomy professor who served as my senior thesis advisor, George Blumenthal, has been appointed chancellor of the campus. He is popular. He also doesn't answer my emails.

The UCSC police when I was homeless and causing consternation on campus took me to the base of the hill where campus is located and dropped me off. On a later occasion when I visited I knew they might not want me there so I dropped in at the police station. There they told me I was welcome again.

Yale is not so forgiving. They're still consternated. They sent me to jail a number of times. The last time the judge told me to leave town. They were not comfortable with my use of campus facilities to escape the elements. Any alumnus with a bank balance would never be treated the way I was for doing the exact same thing. I will say the alumni organization office treated me like any other alumnus. They have a big common room and keep hot coffee and current newspapers for free to visiting alumni. And when I wrote from Chicago to the secretary of my Yale class that I was starving he sent me a package of gourmet fruit. That was nice and it changed the whole landscape of my relationship to the university.

IIT has become a combattant against me so I am fighting back. I went to a monthly social hour for graduates at a downtown pub—universities usually treat anyone who didn't graduate but was in good standing for at least one term as if they are full graduates. They treated me nice until they found out a) I have been in fights, and b) I am mentally ill. Then I detected the gearing up of a blackball behind their backs. I asked to participate in volunteer activities for the university. They told me you have to contribute $50,000 if you want to be on the board of directors of the alumni organization. I offered to do something less grand. They said they would contact me. I haven't heard from them in two months.
So I took action. I put the whole school officially at the bottom of the list of lists until I give the signal.
I'm not going to give the signal until they stop blackballing me and make good all the bad will they have created. Like everyone, they only listen to power and don't recognize power until it's too late. My fights and the onset of mental illness occurred before I entered IIT. That didn't keep them from taking my money for tuition and room and board. It shouldn't keep them from keeping a working relationship with me, but for some reason it does. The development office representative who must have blackballed me was named Kristin.

I carry a weighty responsibility everywhere I go and sometimes fallout is violent. Eventually the population will learn, some more some less. I have my lessons to learn. Others have theirs. They are not the same lessons.

my character set mutates

My own character set of sixteen characters is a mutating set. It changes depending on certain factors.

One such factor is the effect of aging. When I got to be a certain age I realized I was less capable of various tasks of locomotion. In response to this I decided to change the three character of my set. It had been a diagonal line descending to the right with a horizontal baseline, the diagonal line being at a slope of two. I imagined the character to be a pitch which I could regularly climb for a protracted distance. With the decrease in my mobility, I changed the slope of the character to one, so that it represented the less steep pitch which I could regularly climb for a protracted distance. My frequent use of the character set reminded me of this development in my mobility.

When my eyesight began to deteriorate I decided to delete all the dots in the character set, for certain uses. There are four dots. They occur in characters zero, eight, ten, and fourteen. I did this as an alternative to starting to wear glasses. I refer to the altered set as “no spectacles”. Later, I determined that there are some cases where I need to treat character ten specially. It is a dot at the top of the character staff. No lines in the character. Leaving out the dots would turn this character into nothing but space. I found in a certain appllication that having a character with nothing but space was an obstacle to the application. So I made the no spectacles version to be a full staff “X”. I have found that this mutation is effective in a certain way relative to use of the character set with advancing age. It turns out that there are consequences to the mutation which add value to my theory of mental illness, a theory which is expressed in my character set.

I have purchased an Acer mini computer.

As I indicated I might, I have purchased a mini computer. It is an Acer Aspire One and cost me $299.99. I have established routine internet use with it. I use the chicago public library's free wifi and the free wifi of a coffee shop near my home, called Zanzibar.

I like the Acer quite a bit. My intense visual and tactile faculties get better control with the small screen and keyboard than they did with the regular laptop i had before. With the laptop my gaze had to move around a lot and it was destabilizing my faculty.

a realization about size of print and visual acuity

I realized recently riding the CTA rail line that my elderly vision acuity is affected by my unsophisticated educational preparation. I look at a piece of type on an advertisement. It has a particular size of print. My preparation causes me to respond to sizes I can read with the thought that these sizes are common and reasonable for anyone to be viewing. It causes me to respond to sizes I cannot read with the thought that these sizes are uncommon and not reasonable for anyone to be viewing. This is a defensive preparation. It holds that whatever I perceive is proper if I can read it and improper if I can't. My more careful consideration of lthis matter leads me to the observation that at any time in my life there are certain sizes of print which I can read and certain ones which I cannot. From time to time the size which is discriminative in this way changes, getting larger over the long run. The automatic response, which I can now see is wrong, is that the discriminative size is a property of the environment rather than of my visual acuity. It would have been useful if the correct concept had been taught at the beginning of my education when I first began to look at print, including public print, with comprehension.

my signature

The matter of my signature needs to be taken up.

It appears that I have a block against writing my last name quickly in an offhand manner. I can do it quickly in an intense manner. I have no block with my first name.

I tentatively conclude that this problem with my offhand manner is a consequence of the unfamiliarity of the English language with my last name. It does not seem to be a consequence of a lack of work on the problem.

I appreciate my appointer's calling attention to this problem, though his suggestion I believe was not completely exhaustive of the problem. I see no error in this. I apologize for my harsh judgment that calling out my signature for work was unmerited. I believe that, despite my brash complaint, I have pursued the matter in good faith. I will revisit the matter as seems appropriate in the future.

Normal people reject ways of mentally ill because they take more effort.

There is a natural inimicalness between interest and exterest, wherever they exist together, for normal people in only the median, bounded by inner and outer membranes, for the mentally ill throughout the sphere of interest, bounded on the outside by the outer membrane and having no inner membrane at all. This inimicalness produces a struggle, whether normal or ill, and this struggle takes effort to sustain. In normal people where the mixture occurs only in the median there is less volume where this happens and thus less effort involved in sustaining it. In ill people where the mixture is throughout the sphere, there is more volume where this happens and thus more effort involved in sustaining it. The accomplishments of the mentally ill therefore are won at great effort, compared to the case of normal people, and the result of this is that the whole lot of devices, from large to small, developed by the ill person to accomplish what he can are odious to the normal population because of this extra effort characteristic of the devices. The normal people can't sustain such effort. They're not endowed for it. It doesn't appeal to their aesthetics nor to their pragmatism, both being concepts way down the list on the mentally ill person's priorities because these are concepts developed by and for normal people.

Well, i suppose i should be discouraged, but i always turn to the global financial crisis as proof of the merit of my ways, though they certainly have neither aesthetic nor pragmatic appeal. The resources of the normal people are proven to reduce to less merit than mine, a single mentally ill person.

breath of the mentally ill broadcasting their deaths

The breath being the genesis of interest, it is apparent that when a person is ejected from interest, at the onset of mental illness, his breath no longer goes to accomplishments accepted by the species, even though he isn't aware of this loss and goes about his learned role of seeking accomplishments. Instead, his breath goes toward one thing and one thing alone—informing others of his proximity to and arrival at death, a key transition only because it bears on the service he is rendering to normal people as an object of tending, which makes isotropic the expressions in language of normal people. Bears on it because a head count must be maintained at all times. Even though the positions of the mentally ill are irrelevant, their number is relevant. A certain proportion of mentally ill people to normal people is apparently desireable, and the reasons for this might well be guessed. Isotropy is hard to maintain if the proportion is changing rapidly.

This explains why i came to be aware at some point that my breath was being taken for its expression of certainty of the direction of flow, sometimes in sometimes out. I was constantly transmitting a thought expressing truth of my place in the cycle, low breath point, inhale, high breath point, exhale, repeating interminably. I suspect all mentally ill people develop this thought. We are making it easy to know when we are dead. We are not making it easy to know what our plans for the future are. Such plans don't bear on the plans of the species.

the case of Robert at Gauss House, Crown College, UCSC

Time to discuss the events of 1980 when I was a student at UC Santa Cruz, specifically my 39th birthday party.

I bought 2 cases of champagne and invited all my unquestionable friends. This included most of the residents in my hall, which was all singles and mostly graduate students though I was a second bachelor's degree student a little older like the graduate students. This was Gauss Hall. The residential college was Crown, devoted to the sciences.

I had the party in a common room on one of the floors of Gauss.

After the party I was told that one of the residents in Gauss who I did not invite, by the name of Robert, was insensed that he wasn't invited.

Now this situation was subject to circumspection, it seems.

After I became homeless after leaving U.C.S.C. for graduate school at Yale, i returned to the U.C.S.C. campus and while walking to the base of campus I happened to pass on the sidewalk a student whom I had known before living in Gauss, when I was living in an undergraduate dorm by the name of Harvey House. I was told that this girl was very rich. could be. She acted very entitledly, if you get my meaning. I didn't particularly have a like or dislike for her and I didn't invite her to my party. At this meeting on the trail at U.C.S.C. we exchanged brief greetings and she mentioned that she was having a party. That was all. She was having a party. Well, I imagined she must be proud of her party giving, enough to mention this, and I immediately noted that this was all she intended to mention and did not intend to pass on the possibility I might want to receive an invitation. Not knowing her all that well, I didn't particularly want an invitation. However, I immediately perceived that this mention of a party was latent with meaning. I couldn't see any reason to tell me about this party if she had no intention of me thinking about it in one way or another, which I assumed she would not have if she didn't intend to invite me. What use was it to me to know that she was having a party? What use was it to her for me to know it? The only reason I have been able to come up with in all the ridiculously many years since then is that she wanted me to know I wasn't invited.

Could she have been conversant with Robert and his feelings about my own party, and wanted to produce justice in her eyes?

Possibly.

Now as a mentally ill person I am constantly barraged by considerations falling somewhere on the scale of reasonableness, between totally unreasonable and totally reasonable. I have to weigh the time I spend taking up considerations so as to optimize my effectiveness in managing life. We all do. It might seem ridiculous that this girl, whose name I do not remember, used her wealth to blackball me because of my not inviting Robert to my party. However, I am convinced someone has definitely blackballed me. Too much continuing bad luck. If so, I have to rifle through my memory of acquaintances for persons of the type who would blackball someone, a, because they have the power, and b, because they have the sort of disposition that prompts one to do such a thing.

As a student at Yale I knew a lot of wealthy people. So the power was there. But not the disposition. Yale people are high character and don't use power frivolously.

But this girl stands out on the score of the combination of power and disposition. so I am going to proceed on the merits of the reasonableness of the hypothesis that this girl is the one who blackballed me.

My handling of these merits is going to be as jurisprudent as I am able. I am not in the business of treating people unjustly. I do admit that I am not able to act conveniently to everyone else's needs. In that, there is amply possibility of injustice. What differentiates bad conduct from unjust conduct is in one sense unimportant and in another sense important. It has always been my assumption that people leave justice to the courts. Then i was blackballed and forced to reconsider.

So I have two fundamentally different responses to the matter of this party of mine. One looks at it as a possible bad behavior by me, not to the extent of injustice. The other looks at it as a possible injustice.

The badness possibility is easy to respond to. The injustice possibility is not so easy.

I will discuss the injustice possibility first.

Given all the facts concerning my party, there is no measurable possibility that there was an injustice. We must, however, consider the equitableness and that presents some possibility of injustice. I apologize for the logical inconsistency of my words--there was no injustice...there was injustice--but I am not a lawyer and the law is not something i know much about. Continuing, there is a possibility that my conduct was not equitable to Robert. Specifically, when I consider the number, out of all 30 or so residents in Gauss House, of the residents there whom I did not invite, I must allow that Robert may have been the only one. It is also possible the number was as many as five or ten. Now planning and executing the party involves one condition regarding equitableness, and this is a large condition where justice is easier than equitableness. There are lots of variables for lots of people involved one way or another. In this condition I don't feel there is much to say for the case against me. I don't recall if I ever even spoke to Robert, before or after the party. If I did, it wasn't congenial and it would be impossible for me then and now to consider him among those I unquestioningly consider my friends. As it was a private party, the location of it in the dorm notwithstanding, it would seem it was up to me to set the line between those invited and those not. If Robert was not the only person in the dorm not invited then there doesn't seem to have been any good reason to alter my criterion for invitation just for him. This consideration leads to the assaying of my memory regarding the possibility that Robert was the only one from the dorm not invited. As such it is a ridiculous exercise bordering on abuse of science.

Now there is a different impact of analysis when one considers the situation when I was informed of Robert's upset at not being invited. It was my decision, more or less automatic and not thoroughly considered, not to approach Robert and express my consolation to him. This single fact may be responsible for the result of my being blackballed. I consequently regard it with circumspection as well as human import. The human import is that if Robert was upset, and if I had spoken to him to indicate that his exclusion was not expected to elicit from him such displeasure, and if he had found this expression of some value, then Robert's upset might have subsided and no buzz leading to my blackball might have occurred. I am not so callow as to deem my blackball my only real concern and Robert's upset only important for its bearing on my blackball. An expression to Robert of my consolation, if it would have helped him, would have been a good idea. I was not able to approach Robert because of a combination of my estimation of his discomfort and my lack of adeptness at serving people's emotional needs. a more able person would have acted differently. Inasmuch as this assigns me to a lesser rank of person, at the time of these events, I will accept. but we all are lesser persons than we think, looked at from some or other point of view. Whether I am a better person now, with more understanding of people's needs, and more able to serve them, is beside the point. I may have treated Robert unequitably. The reasonableness of the possibility is great enough to warrant an apology. I do offer that apology. I am not able to do more than this, and the circumstances which I have mentioned are a necessary part of this apology, making some of the merits of the possibility that I acted unjustly subject to question. As I said, it is easier to consider the possibility I acted badly, and I believe I have provided some consideration of that.

If this is not the end of it, perhaps I will have an opportunity by reflection or conversation to address it further. But for now this seems to exhaust my reasonable fiduciary duty.

a tale of the internet

One day when I was a graduate student in Chicago I for unemergent reasons decided to write to the embassy of the Soviet Union. This was 1989.

I had a map of the world on my wall, a big one. I put sheets of random numbers I got from a table, expressed in my then base ten number character set I invented myself, all around the Soviet Union. Then I took my calculator with a determinant calculating program loaded in it and took determinants of numbers at various places around the sheets.

These determinants I put on a letter.

Above the numbers I put in my own binary code for English the word "message". Then above these figures I put my character set numbers from one to ten in a circle and around the circle I put in my code the words, "revenge for batek".

Then I sent it off to the embassy.

A week later the Romanian president was assassinated, Soviet republics all over the place were falling like zapped flies. Eventually the whole Soviet Union fell.

As a result of the fall of our global enemy, the internet, then used for a provision in case of nuclear war and not in the public domain, was turned public.

der, rder, rrder, rrrder, and rrrrder

I have created some new terms regarding order. I take the or- off to get the fragment der. Then I start adding back on r's.

der no order intended
rder this order intended only
rrder a different order meant, usually with reference to only two items
rrrder a random order indicated
rrrrder all orders intended

If I give a list of items I have to give them in a particular order. I may not want to point to that order. To indicate this, I note somewhere by the list "der", if I intend no order.

If I have inherited a list of my own through work which I want to keep the order of and want to specify this, I write "rder" by the list.

If I want to refer to a different order, especially if there are only two items and thus only two possible orders, I write "rrder" by the list.

If I need to refer to some randomly chosen order of a list I write "rrrder" by the list.

If I want to refer to all possible orders of the list I write "rrrrder" by the list.

not and nat, new terms for parallel use

I have created a term useful in comparing positive and negative actions. English achieves negative action by adding do plus the negative not, or n't. This disallows parallel comparison of positive and negative action. English says: He bought the paper. He didn't buy the paper. This is not parallel and it causes disruption of orderly thought. I say instead: He did nat buy the paper. He did not buy the paper. These are positive, with nat, and negative, with not. Nat is my new term. When comparing with no, I use na.

new terms for money transactions

I have created some words having to do with money transactions. When you look at an item for sale from the viewpoint of the consumer, rather than the producer, I call that item a sumuct, as opposed to a product. It's the same item, only the details of its manufacture are irrelevant. It's what the item can do for me once I've bought it that matters to me, and I call it by a name that connotes everything I think of it as a part of my belongings.

The context of the point of transaction, viewed from the point of the producer, whether manufacturer, opera impresario, or online publisher, is called situgony, taking from the words situation and cosmogony, or the beginning of the universe in astronomy. the same context, viewed from the point of the consumer, is called positration, taking from the root of deposit.

apergress and epergress

I have two words I created for the condition of movement through the environment toward a meal, apergress, and movement through the environment from a meal, epergress.

my new girlfriend, Crystal Newell

For two months I have been dating a girl named Crystal Newell who is a fellow resident at the nursing home where I live. Our first date was to the Art Institute of Chicago, with dinner beforehand at an Italian restaurant called Tedino's on Sheridan Road. Then I bought season tickets to the Lyric Opera, four operas. We saw Bizet's The Pearl Fishers. Then I had a crisis of confidence in Crystal's interest before the second opera, when she let her mother's schedule conflict with ours. I called off the date without trying to resolve the matter.

But then Crystal later came to me and asked if we could go out again. She was genuine and I took her to Tedino's on the 24th of December. At that time I said it was okay for us to go to the opera again.

Crystal is African American and lovely, with a slim feminine figure. She is sharp, untutored, and raw. Very quiet. A speedy walking pace. Alternately poised and frazzled. And 25 years old, as of yesterday, to my 58. We were planning to go out to dinner for my birthday but she had an argument with her mother and the staff, as things like that do happen with us mentally ill despite our conformity to good practice, and was put on restriction so she couldn't go out of the building, and won't be able to until they decide to drop it.

The next event we plan on is Wagner's Tristan und Iseult at Lyric, Feb. 16. She should be able to beat the rap before then.

After each date I kiss her on the cheek. She's getting to trust me more. I'm getting to be confident she likes me. Her roommate, a friend of mine, says she has a steady stream of gentleman callers who she says "no" to, all of them, and they don't come back. That's good. I want her.

essential atom particle and wave

This theory of mental illness of mine is a work in physics. The essential atom I refer to has properties of both a particle and a standing wave. It is localized in residence at the center of the sphere of interest, and it is also spread out throughout the universe of all spheres of interest. this dual nature is in line with the essential atom being an elementary particle or particles.

villification of homosexuality

Homosexuality is vicious, heinous, and deceptive. Anyone I know is gay or bi of either sex i will refuse to talk to them. It must be stamped out.

Staples endorsement

I have found Staples to be the best of the office supply stores. Their own brand supplies are superior to any on the market. I particularly like their calendars, for economy, commodity, and delight, the three elements of good design I learned from Peter Beltemacchi, my professor at IIT architecture graduate school. but, returning to Staples, I find the store design is equally attentive to the three elements. and it is always quiet, probably something having to do with the architecture itself. I would recommend Staples to anyone with an advanced office mentality.

coming across Debby Wellander after 50 years

This morning I had a doctor's appointment at Methodist Hospital.

As I was going to sit down after having an x-ray done, a woman was called out of the waiting room by name, Deborah Wellander. I recognized the name as a girl who was in classes with me at Ben Franklin elementary school in Glen Ellyn, IL. Yes, it was Debby. She looked just like her.

I debated whether to say something to her. I don't think i ever spoke to her as a child. She was the target of vicious taunting by other students and she didn't like it. I never did it, but then I never objected.

I decided to wait and not just then talk to her, maybe not at all. But thinking it over I decided it was something I should do.

She was in with the doctor and I was called and seated waiting in the hall.

Then she came out, I stood, and introduced myself, mentioning Ben Franklin in Glen Ellyn. The aide with her looked at me worriedly. I reassured her with a smile. Debby was not recognizing me, or else just not acknowledging she knew me. She was uncomfortable with it. I gathered from her utterance that she was still a bit clumsy. But she had weathered time well, and was not apparently handicapped. Methodist Hospital cares mostly for the nursing home community.

After my visit with the doctor I was passing the waiting room and Debby was there looking out. I smiled at her. That was the last I saw of her.

I hope she is well.

language causes war

Mentally ill persons' essential atoms being unprotected by an inner membrane, normal people live in a state of constant incursion on them. This produces the effect of tending: The mentally ill person's mind is a tending pivot point which the normal people bear off of, causing the mentally ill persons to hear voices, and, as mentally ill persons are distributed all over, the normal people are stabilized isotropically, their misdirected comments, that would otherwise spew out into the environment and be picked up by other species, remain centered in the species skull distribution, and don't spew out.

Mentally ill persons are selected from a broad range of human ranks. Their ejection from species interest might be thought to be a result of the irritation they cause the species due to some sort of inherent pathology. But such a mechanism would not result in a uniform distribution of draftees from the population. Irritation is highly special in each case and would not result in uniform frequency. The frequency of the mentally ill is uniform throughout the population, in order to produce isotropy and stabilization of misdirected comments.

From my own case I can assert that it was precipitated by rank strife, a loss of a personal dispute. I believe that this is what the species uses in all cases to generate draftees. The species is turning rank strife into protection from misdirected comments escape.

For reasons connected with my theory of the physical foundation of mental illness, it is claimed by me that when a person first becomes mentally ill his location becomes irrelevant to the species interest. For this reason the locations of the mentally ill are immaterial. They can be put here or there for convenience's sake and it won't affect their being used to achieve isotropic stability of language.

However, because the minds of normal people are dependent on these mentally ill people's minds as tending pivots, everyone, both the mentally ill and the normal people, must be treated by the species together in death, when active language management ends. to maintain the concealment of the effects of language, the species started to bury its dead in boxes. As a result, the anisotropic impulses caused by vision stimulated by all the light of the sun on the earth no longer were deposited into the soil at death.

But because the earth created life for a reason, it needs all these anisotropic impulses to be deposited in the soil, and that is not happening with humans. So the earth is quite able to get what it wants, and causes wars, to inject chaos into the function of deaths and take back the anisotropic impulses of human beings.

So to escape the interminable periodicity of war humans have to find a different system of communication than language.

my Roman blood

Although my family didnt know it when I was growing up, I and my siblings are Roman. Establishing Roman ancestry is not an easy thing. In England it is very prized to be of Roman blood, however, again, it is not easy to verify and many people attempt to boost their prestige there by claiming to be Roman without any supporting documentation. the Romans of course at one time occupied England.

The reason I believe I can claim to be Roman is that when I was doing work as a model for artists I did a job at Boston University and the teacher commented to the class that this model, me, had a Roman head. Now you can dispute the authenticity of this reference, and I will never play it up as if my life depended on it, but as a point of departure I think it's pretty solid. Art teachers have training in all the civilizations in history, especially Rome, and I think they would be assumed to be able to tell a Roman head from a non Roman head.

The reason I mention England is that one of our ancestors names was King. I assume this line originated in England. I don't assume the first of this line was a monarch type king because from my genealogical research I know that the name King came about often when someone was an actor playing the part of a king, and took that name subsequently.

Being Roman, I am granted kinship with the Italians, and being their kin I was accepted into their elite ranks as first, because of something I did in 1992, and I presume because all my other life details were acceptable.

The story of my becoming first I tell in the sidebar video titled, "first".

might get a computer

As you may know I use the Chicago Public Library to access the internet as I have no computer of my own. I will be coming into a little money now and I may decide to invest in a mini computer. This will enable me to spend more time at my blog. As of now I have to use extreme selectivity in writing, down to every word, because I have so much more I want to write than I have time for. If I get the computer this will radically change the tenor of my blog. We will see.

a blog reference to relevance, irrelevance, and Jesus

I found a blog with a post about relevance, irrelevance, and Jesus. it is here. It's a pretty traditional discussion, with some cross castigation. I can't say as I find it personally useful, but I thought I would give any readers a chance to look at it.