Sports, the Mafia, and toughness.

I think there is considerable evidence to suggest that my status as an athelete is considered by some to be unusually strong for a Mafia kingpin, as apparently they tend to have a less fraternal life beginning than I have been privileged to pursue. Or it may be that my athleticism is cited by those who would defend my selection against a faction critical of my toughness. Wrestling is a sport without blows, but replete with toughness, and that is where I found my sporting voice, leading me into manhood with a good footing.

No connection between me and the Jews, despite the analogy with Moses.

I have on occasion referred to myself with the terms, "the successor to Moses." This usage is misleading and I regret using it without any clarification of the fact that there is in it no implication whatsoever with respect to the Jews. Moses was tied to the Jewish race by birth and by personal identification with it that came later in his life than his earlier position of privilege within the Egyptian culture. I have no such tie or personal identification with the Jews. I do not attribute what I saw to an entity called God. I consider it instead to be a natural phenomenon that has enabled me to have a significant effect on my surroundings, these being those of a mentally ill person living in a nursing home for the mentally ill. It seems clear that there is something of an analogy between the Jews' role in the life of Moses and the mentally ill's role in my life. I don't bother to look for an analogy in my life for the parting of the Red Sea. First, it seems unlikely that anything like the event as depicted in the movie, The Ten Commandments, actually occurred. Second, I gather that I am something more of a scientist than Moses was, and expect more of a scientific process from myself rather than a magical one.

There is no doubt in my mind that what I did for the community in the nursing home where I live at this writing was something eligible to be called a miracle. I am myself at a loss to explain the particular acts I took, except for the ones related to the line-ups here, which are more simple in conception even though they too were very difficult under the conditions that existed at the time. What I said in the dining room I doubt I will ever find a way to explain. It was said in such utter turmoil, was so at pains to improve the situation, and drew from such an extreme ramp-up of understanding toward the creation of a positive effect, that explaining it will forever be a less useful and because of that a less likely action. It appears the effect is permanent, and done with such finality that my own fate is less tied to the mentally ill now than Moses's fate was tied to the Jews after he worked his magic at the Red Sea. My reading of this is that all of the mentally ill here have a greatly expanded field in which to seek their fortunes, and my fate is to seek my fortunes like the rest of them. Thankfully, I have no role in serving the mentally ill any more. I am at work on my personal understanding of mental illness and if I am successful in it I expect to benefit personally and not share my understanding with others, others having completely rejected the initial stages of development of my work.

Such is the path of logistical division between myself and H. sapiens.

Not a saint.

In case anyone is wondering, I am not a saint.

It is my debt to myself to understand the terms under which I seek to establish a more livable solution than the one I have worked under as a result of setting a goal for myself in college of serving the poor without regard to my own needs. This was a difficult goal from the outset and didn't have the effect on me of transforming my day to day sense of progress. As a result I made other plans than service without reward, first in economics and then in architecture, with the outcome of mental illness, perhaps because I had this conflict deep in my mind over the issue of rewards and the scale of the undertaking. The largest scale of undertaking of any I considered was this one with no consideration for reward. In a sense, it was this fact that guided my decisions over the long term and led to homelessness, in which I was forced to make do with a future utterly without reward, so why not make something of it, thus setting me up for pursuing the service goal I visualized in college. In this way, I rallied around my ambition, whose highest expression, in my case, was off scale in the world of college at Yale. And it could be said that I rallied around my ambition from the moment I reflected for the first time on service in a college setting. But still, this was motivated by self advancement, which is what ambition is all about. When one serves, he elevates everyone, and can expect this will include himself, though he must understand that this elevation takes fundamentally different directions in the case of those served and in the case of the one who serves. For those served, there is relief. This is absolutely different from the idea of the service economy. There, one works for pay, and performs service that contributes to, ultimately, what I have heard described as "the quiet enjoyment of assets." The history of the species is basically organized around this objective, and the stories of outsize servants dot the fabric here and there, but do not define the species assets. I have come to the conclusion there must be more in it than such an eccentric role for me. I want to be able to engage in the quiet enjoyment of assets, and I want to understand how this is accomplished so that I can raise my progeny up in that understanding. However, my reality is not economically strong. I produce nothing and do nothing that draws investment. What I produce is understanding. It is of the scale of my ambition. Generally, others will see no merit in it. My work is not generative of viral growth of audience.

However, there is evidence I have aroused the interest of some with a role that implies great ambition is not foreign to them. These identities will not be turned aside by the lack of ready economies in what I produce, or so I surmise, while they will still be looking to benefit. I find this picture of them attractive. Perhaps it fits. Perhaps it doesn't fit. Either way, it is wise for me to incorporate a more understanding component of my audience than any I began with when I started this blog. I knew such a component existed, but I had only a hope of seeing it respond.

With the manifestation of this component, as it occurs in spikes of large numbers of views of the blog in very short time intervals, there came a call to be cautious. A certain critical element is to be inferred. Confidence I am on the right path made it easy to operate in the spotlight of criticism. Yet it calls for something more than what I have done in the past. I must be starkly honest about my motives. This will serve my base of action.

This honesty about my motives leads me to question why I wish to seek financial comforts after having so strongly spoken of my goal to serve and to count myself among those who certainly didn't produce economic returns in proportion to their service. I have begun to enter this area of thought above. The species is centered on assets, not outsized service, which is an afterthought. My economic desolation gave me a space to inhabit of small size, but my critical skills found use in the time left to me, and I have invested in understanding, coming up with some ideas with large implications. On the strength of these ideas I determined that tool use by humans caused them to lose body hair because it made up for a loss of tactile contact with their environment.

I seem to be in a frame of mind in which I lead myself into concepts that extend in many directions none of which has the definition required for standing on to go any further. This may be out of having no conversation in the large scale of ideas, and needing to let ideas simmer for a while before it becomes obvious what the next proposition with merit will be.

That being the case, I allow that the ideas the reader may take from all this may well be earlier, and this present bit of writing is not yet as fruitful.

Report on a random occurence of note.

During something like a month preceding the news that I will be getting public housing, which was at the beginning of January, I did one of my occasional random selections of letters of the English alphabet, in this case of four letters, using the random number generator of my calculator.

The letters selected were "exod."

The fit at this point to the word "exodus" was so close, and the relevance to my claim of being the successor to Moses being so strong, I decided not to select further letters, the fear they would not be "us" being also a factor. Perhaps the exclusion of the English word "us" is a play on the fact that the departure will not be in the plural, but in the singular.

Thus a further evidence that my command of my bureau, specifically my ability to extract from it information without formulating it intentionally and thus without exerting stress on the formation of the information, so as to ease my going forward in harmony between the universe and my organic drives, is realized.

Depth of propagation into human race of my actions at Bryn Mawr Care.

An appropriate question at this point is: how deeply into the human population has the action I took here at Bryn Mawr Care propagated? Very hard to say. It surrounds me, and that is all I can say with certainty, which fortunately may be enough to get me past this obstacle that has been my home for twelve years, 17 if you consider it from the time I first arrived.

Hex on Twitter lifted.

I am ending my stand against Twitter. It's hard for me to adjust to so much change, but it does seem as if I am doing a little better understanding them. So the hex is lifted.

Architect jobs search on careerbuilder.com brings up only IT jobs.

I am wondering what architects, that is people who design brick and mortar buildings, think of the fact that when one does a search for jobs with the keyword "architect" on careerbuilder.com, and I presume similar sites give similar outcomes, all the jobs that are returned have to do with information systems architecture--none about bricks and mortar architecture, at least the first several pages worth of results.

Where do architects search for jobs?

Odors in my closet.

I have detected a complex of irritating odors evidently originating in my closet. This development followed a recent improvement in my personal habits.

Chicago Bears not supported for the Super Bowl.

With no girlfriend, Crystal Newell having been removed from that role a day or so ago, I can no longer support the Chicago Bears in their bid for the Super Bowl.

It is hard to set aside in my mind the suspicion that "biblical" flooding in Australia has a connection with my persistent economic failure. While in Moses's case he sealed his fate with those of a population, and rode out the intercession of global forces as protector of those peoples, I have not sealed my fate to any group, and the good that would come from me having economic success is a matter of my standing in the ecology. My success would open up new ecological relationships. The forces of mankind would become allied with those of certain other species whom I have discovered to be favorable to my work. The biblical disasters make of this not an offer, but a threat, leaning on the greater time scale of survival of these other species and their understanding of what is good for the ecology. Quite evidently, they consider what is happening to me to be bad for the ecology.

I did what I did for the other residents at my nursing home to make it more livable for myself. I don't expect repayment, and that is the part of the situation that is understandable in terms of religious values--selflessness and goodwill. But evidently, because the biblical disasters continue, such goodwill delivered at present is not what is as yet unrealized, and therefore sought, here. While Moses may have known considerable about the ecology to enable him to work miracles, it would appear that he did not know much about the ranks of the ecology which enabled him to work them. He spoke in the Old Testament of the role of God in bringing about his miracles. He wouldn't have had to resort to this attribution if he had known the fact that other species have ranks which exceed mankind in ecological persistence, and have the knowledge that makes it possible.

Mankind has created a temporary food chain apex for itself. It has not yet found a way to turn from its hungers long enough to create as part of its general individual legacy a place in the ecological and geological understanding of the planet. In fact, very little general individual legacy at all is passed on. We are exploring what we can reach on a very small legacy of u understanding.

You may read here that biblical disasters are the lot of a species that doesn't understand. For such a species only widespread retribution, focused by a mind which is at the very heart of the issue, will bring change. You have individuals who determine how species assets will be directed. These individuals are hampered by national rivalries and religious fervor. Such a situation ought to be immediately recognized as a condition of dependence on other species for a temporary food chain apex.

It was plainly obvious that a certain television commercial some ten years ago, in which two climbers bedded down in bags tied together on a sheer vertical mountain face, was only possible if someone had tapped into my mind and seen my thoughts about the time when I saw on a building the same fire that Moses saw on a bush, or at least saw my memories of those thoughts. At about that moment I visualized a party of six or so climbers bedding down on a sheer mountain face. This is not the kind of image that pops up like that without some very dedicated cause.

The commercial was for VISA.

At the time I was far from entertaining any thought of acquiring a VISA credit card. But within a year or so I did.

I have interpreted the commercial as having been intended to get resources to me so that I would not need to pursue a course of biblical mayhem such as Moses did.

Unfortunately, my dire circumstances are not the kind that yield to the obtaining of a line of credit. I had hoped they would be and I have worked along that line of development, but to no avail. I have also been receptive to the notion of special considerations as a deterrent to my having to "destroy the Egyptian army." Of course I am not blind to the distinctly avaricious factors in such an arrangement, for both myself and the interested third party. But if I am required to grant the legitimate claims of my educational loan creditors then I can't see how anyone can deny me my own distinctly selfish motives.

So the question now presents itself: is the person responsible for the appearance of my line of credit willing to endorse something more demonstrative? Such a move would necessarily have to plan to engage at some point the powers which I allege have blacklisted me. The simple fact that the identity of these blacklisting powers is not known to me argues that to succeed a measure designed to bring me economic prosperity would have to do something antecedent to widespread viral events. The blacklisters dwell on my faults. They would seek to extinguish viral beginnings by featuring them.

My problem is that I don't know what would be a good ignition point for going viral, and what approach to take in phrasing an ignition point in terms of the many unusual details of my life, as evidenced in my autobiography now available on scribd.com.

But there are problems for others in such a plan. Jealousy. Suspicion. Tradition. Religion. Meeting such elements of failure will require extreme measures.

You ask, how can I sustain such unlikely suggestions? But I say, how can you stand by and watch biblical disasters continue?

The amount of nonsense and suffering that accompanies jealousy, suspicion, tradition, and even religion is what can be avoided, provided there is enough sense of an alternative in my life and work. The threat of disasters continuing is a bet on a good number. It needs examination.