An apology regarding my romantic record.

I have realized that my crossdressing involvements have made it impossible for me to engage in romance as a complete partner. It's more than just a distraction. It seems now to me that it's very very destructive. I am going to do the best job I can now to give myself the benefit of a complete dedication to normal sexuality, and this will hopefully end the trouble that this misbehavior has caused for others, especially those women I have participated in romance with. It's hard to say what the actual harm has been, but there is no doubt it has resulted in my total isolation and discontent with this civilization. The point I wish to end on is that I apologize.

The effects of having lived as a male for sixty years.

Probably the most difficult problem I have now is that I look like a male in my face and have developed a vast set of reinforcements for expressing the male gender. I have seen that these lead nowhere, so it doesn't basically influence my decision making, but nevertheless it makes for a hard transition.

I didn't grow up with a constant desire to be a woman. My desire was for having sexual arousal and orgasms while crossdressing and the rest of the time I just went along for the ride, doing what was expected of me. But this produced a dysfunctional man, unable to realize his most profound desires. The key ingredient, of living as a woman and having female orgasms, was absent from the world that was given to me, and consequently I didn't have before me a set of choices from which i could assemble a wholesome career and family life. So what then happened? What the hell was I to make of all this? Part of what was given to me was that I was being loved and nurtured by my family, and being educated for a useful life by the educational establishment. My duty was to believe in this, and my psyche was considered by my parents to be less important, or they wouldn't have considered my unusual gender identity an obedience problem.

The educational establishment had one chance to rectify all this. As a freshman at Yale I recognized that A) I needed a good outside opinion, and B) I was in a place where I could get one. I went to the University Health service, got an appointment with a conselor without stating what it was about, and showed up not really knowing what I needed to say or ask for except to just state I had a history of crossdressing. The counselor, after I made this statement, said something that seemed compassionate but she didn't have any questions for me. I said I understood that she was telling me that crossdressing was not a problem. I was centered on that issue rather than the larger and more urgent questions of just what I needed to do at this point. My parents had instilled the idea that I was an obedience problem in this matter and if I could get the counselor to commit to a judgment that it was not a problem then it was not an obedience problem and I would be relieved of the need for self-chastisement. The counselor answered my statement by rushing in to say she didn't mean that crossdressing wasn't a problem. It was at that point that my memory of the session ends. I left completely unsatisfied with the outcome and without any idea where to turn next. So I turned nowhere and five years later was in a mental hospital after sufferring an acute psychotic break.

For this reason I consider that Yale did me a disservice by the remarks of the counselor I saw. My openness to counseling was quashed and I never attempted to get more help. Well, perhaps negligence is hard to prove here, I don't know. I'm just not happy about Yale and what it has done for me in life. But that said, what can I expect from them now? These days, not much. It's not a happy story. Maybe I'll come to better terms with it with time. I am able to see, though, that my displeasure with Yale is based in my male complications and my female identity is basically patient about his.

Considerable rethinking awaits me, that's for sure, if I don't instead just throw out the whole male bag and accept truth as a female.

The agent which led me to step on a nail

If it is true that my crossdressing began because of the trauma of stepping on a board with a nail sticking out of it at age five, then I can extend the line of deduction farther.

Perhaps I was steered to step on the nail by bees that were angry that I caught some of them in a jar filled with gasoline. They would have known full well that my aggression would have been altered by stepping on the nail. Aggression was exactly the issue with them. I don't know if they foresaw that I would become gender identity disordered. Being centered on aggression they very well might not have.

Why my condition went undiagnosed

I think the reason no one ever diagnosed my condition properly is that individuals with transvestic fetishism almost all do not identify as the other gender, so this would be assumed to show that my condition is not one of GID, or gender identity disorder. I am a rare transvestic fetishist in that I have GID.

My current thinking is that now that wanting to be female is something I have to consider a part of my identity, I can relax about the fetish element of crossdressing, even not play it out anymore at all. We will see.

I'm nervous about the inevitable acceptance of men as sex partners. Although my orgasm phantasies involve basic male participation, it would seem unlikely that without surgery a real partnership with a male would be at best awkward and more probably impossible. I don't imagine actual men. Just motifs.

Over the past seven days I have had 15 orgasms, six days with two and one day with three. One of these was through imaging myself in a male role. The rest were imagining myself in a female role. The male role was had just before my first order of female clothes was delivered, about half way through the seven days.

Preparing myself for becoming a transgender female is now my primary concern, and conducting a program of twice daily orgasms seems less immediate a desire. It also becomes a serious cleanliness problem, because the consumption of my thoughts by female associations leaves no time for providing for the well-ordered tending of the accompaniments of the male anatomy to orgasm.

As a female I will have no possibility of having my own children, I am guessing.