Sunday, May 3, 2009

My parents didn't give me any sex education.

My parents never gave me any sex education. I needed it in kindergarten. I was beseiged by incipient sexual feelings in the classroom which only generally could be identified with girls in the class. I had no idea where these feelings led. It was due time for a sex lesson and I didn't get it.

Consequently, I pursued sexual feelings at home where I thought it was safer. I got into my mother's drawer and was caught by her. She immediately told my father and my father blew up. This proved for me that adulthood was an unlawful state. I rejected every invitation to adapt my father's example. I never learned adulthood. I was much more aware of what was going on than what people took me for, and my sexual urges were very strong.

My parents castigated me for cross dressing, but it was their fault for not giving me any sex education. You could say well, it isn't given in kindergarten. Ok, fine. But I was different from other children. I needed it then. I didn't have the words to describe my situation to anyone and all my language learning was academic, without any practical sex topics. I am not perverted. I am abused.

My father was a sexual cretin. Any sex education he could have given me would have been counterproductive. He had no business marrying a woman with genes for intelligence. He wasn't able to act the father for an intelligent son. My life was a never-ending scene of mistepping fatherhood by him.

All my life I have struggled to merge my sexual desires with my career objectives. There just wasn't, and isn't, any common ground in my foundation for them. I seem clearly to be doomed to failure and if my ecological life, ejected from the mainstream and forced to find companionship in class aves, brings down a lot of people in the global financial crisis, It brings me my only possible happiness. Sure, I would like to see both myself and the world thrive. It isn't happening. Do you see it happening? I don't seed it happening.