My first estimate of my self was as a female.

When I was very young I was very smart. I saw that my mother's speech was tied up with her mobility, that she talked things through as she encountered them. My father's speech was not reflective of his mobility. It was drab and slow moving by comparison with my mother's speech.

For this reason, I speculate, I was forced to select my mother's example for my sexual identity.

Astonishing!

But I think it is true.

I got into my mother's bureau and looked longingly at her lingerie. The smell was intoxicating. Between the ages of five and sixteen I was sexually active as a female. Wearing my mother's lingerie was so powerful a stimulus that it always made me have an orgasm. I had to wrap my organ in rags to be certain not to soil the clothes and give myself away. Actually I was caught twice and my father yelled at me that if I was caught again he would parade me in her clothes out in front by the street. The second time I was caught it moved my mother to sob and plead with me not to do it again or she would tell my father.

I'm sorry, but the alternative was to accept my father as my role model. I think he proved in his life that this would have been the greater disaster than me acting out the female role. He was fine for my siblings. I needed something more sophisticated.

Of course it was impossible to pursue the complete depth that this tendency needed. I couldn't ask my mother to raise me as a girl. I suppose I knew it was futile, that there was no solution to the problem of plumbing. This combined with the fact that my parents were both outraged by what little they knew about it made it impossible to pursue.

Sex change operations were not done back then, and even now they are more expensive than my family could have afforded. I have mixed feelings about the stigma. On the one hand it leads to humiliation and no one wants that. On the other hand my choosing the female path is a true fact and all my attempts to live a male life have left me wasted and ruined. Being up front about this is the only way I can live in truth, and that means it is the only way to realize my full potential.

I have not gone at female living in any way but those associated with using female clothes to have an orgasm. I don't see myself as physically female or suited to attract men. The path into and out of the transvestite bedroom is for me gender-neutral. Within that gender-neutral path there is the pursuit of stimuli learned from cultural information, not at first a real physical sensation, of the normal male behavior. But there is in it no such solid foundation for me as that of pursuit of the female orgasm.

I am sorry, but that is the way I have become myself. There is no male role-model for me. As a result I have failed to merge into a career path, as that requires a solid foundation in one's physical gender, whether heterosexual or homosexual. I have lived a phantom existence, and it has left me without a place in the world. It is assumed by the masses that because a child is made from the genetic material of both parents that both parents will be the child's best natural role models. In my case this assumption, which I was surrounded by growing up, was a total error, and in adulthood, having passed out of the family environment, it was an assumption that failed to explain my decisions and directions, leaving one big enigma as my whole life story.

My father married my mother as part of a racist conspiracy

After many years of going over my recall of my father it is my increasingly convinced conclusion that he was a part of an explicit conspiracy of intelligent people to put down the black race.

When I turned into a potential ivy leaguer with realized inclinations favorable to blacks, this conspiring group had a married couple graduated from duke university move into the house next door to us. The man tried to talk me out of becoming a social activist. he and my father did a lot of drinking and talking together by themselves. My father moved out because i picketed a store on liberal causes and my mother defended me when he stormed in after learning i had done it.

When I later, after becoming mentally ill, lived with him in florida for a year or so, he and his family all were crawling with lies and deceptions in my face whenever I raised issues of my upbringing.

I believe he was assigned to infatuate and marry my mother for the purpose of confounding her liberal beliefs. There is no other way to make sense of the marriage.

This conspiring group is constantly at my mind, conniving and manipulating, bolstered by the early access my father had to me in an impressionable state. It may not have gained a convert, but it certainly ruined a liberal opponent. I am mentally ill, penniless, unemployable, and without colleagues or friends from years ago.

If i had it my way, my father would be decried as the greatest miscreant in the history of mankind. If I am any bit the kingpin of chicago I say I am, something on that order will be done. Only then will I be free to take my place in the world as a whole-hearted supporter of the black race.

the formation of the two membranes of the boundary between interest and exterest

The formation of both the inner and outer membranes, of the boundary between interest and exterest, must be an organic process, since we are talking about people's acquired capacity to interest others and that happens as a natural consequence of our metabolisms. How does it happen that the boundary between ourselves and others, which we think of as our "identity" out of the accumulated paradigm of mankind, now superceded by this picture of omniterest which I am promoting here, takes a two membrane form rather than a one membrane form? Isn't identity of normal people unitary? Well, the answer would seem to me to be that, one, the two membranes act in concert and are not two identities, and, two, that it would seem reasonable to conjecture that the timing of the formation of the membranes is that the outer one begins to form at conception and is constructed blind to the world during the time of pregnancy, the universe being guessed at through the medium of the mother's experience as impressed upon the fetus's experience, then at birth the construction of this membrane, though it continues, undergoes a dramatic change in nature because the intermediary mother is gone. at the same time, at birth, the construction of the inner membrane begins, and that one is directly based on the perceptions of the person himself. from the moment of birth, the essential atom expands the size of the inner membrane, pushing the outer membrane to expand just outside it, so that the child tries to get the most out of the mother's nurturing nature which permeates the home and the universe outside it, as qualified by the participation of the father, however that happens to occur.