2 opposing hypotheses to explain my enduring bad luck

I now have two opposing hypotheses to explain my enduring bad luck.

One is that I have a deep-lying tendency to mishandle opportunity. This tendency would be both wide in scope and narrow in effect. The hypothesis does not speculate about the origin of this tendency.

The other hypothesis is that I have been blacklisted, so that all my initial development of opportunity is allowed to procede but at a certain point, when the course of the opportunity is more definite, events are counteracted by sufficient force coming from some power which does not need to reveal itself but gets all the information it needs to manage the black list. This is a difficult hypothesis to test without a good lead on who is responsible, and instead what I have are numerous small leads not amounting to a coherent case against one party. One suspect is my father and his circle. Another suspect is International Communism. The evidence behind these accusations is given in my autobiography.

My duty to defend the United States.

Because I have spoken out to suggest that war is a result of the arbitrariness of the practice of putting the dead in coffins, and that this particular arbitrariness will only be escaped if arbitrariness in general is more or less escaped by humanity, there is now in the United States a state in which there is a mixture of this suggestion foregoing with the traditional inertias regarding the real danger of war, not likely to pass away by reason of the suggestion because of the magnitude of those inertias and the meagreness of my authority in the United States, even though that authority of mine is not trifling. Another factor in this unlikeliness is that the evidence supporting the suggestion regarding coffins is not voluminous.

That being the case, I reason that my duty to defend the United States, as made plain by the complete set of nine videos in the sidebar, must extend not only to suggest such outside chances to avoid war forever as I have done, but to engage reasonably in the management of the dangers of war as practiced traditionally, and as organized by the powers that be here. Naturally, we are mostly a peace loving nation, and I would necessarily want to work to avoid war before conceding that it is inevitable. I have a sense that war can be prevented by reasonable efforts. However, I also have a suspicion that my hypothesis about the cause of wars is valid, and that my sense war can be prevented is mistaken. I do not like this situation. The comfort of a home in a nation at peace having a considerable armed force with a history of victories is historically a small assurance of security, relatively speaking.

Consistent with my hypothesis about coffins I try to upgrade my arbitrarinesses to randomnesses, and my randomnesses to argued decisions. The whole idea of the hypothesis is that bacteria regulate all animal central nervous systems, that they are upset when coffins deny them meals, and that they wreak havoc on human plans for where their bodies end up by regulating us into wars. The fact I discovered is that anthropologically the date of the beginning of coffin use and the date of the beginning of wars are very close. The part about bacteria regulating CNSs is somewhat a speculation, but it led me to expect that bacterial accompaniment of the body is much much more than I had been taught it was, and when I checked and found that this accompaniment is in fact of the same magnitude as the number of the body's own cells, I was turned more in the direction of believing the hypothesis.

In the end, all I can do is suggest. Physicsforums.com banned me when I suggested it, calling me a "crackpot." This does not speak well for the scientific method as practiced by humans. It also gives me little reason to view men with charity in their wholehearted embracement of arbitrariness.

As for defending the country, I am as much at risk as anyone, and I will do my part.

a necessary follow-up to a statement I made to my students in introductory astronomy at Yale.

One day in the astronomy section I taught at Yale in 1980 I asked the class what the speed of light was. It was a loaded question. In mks terms (meters, kilograms, seconds) it is 299,792,458 meters/second. But in general relativity terms, all the fundamental constants have the geometrically significant value of 1. So, knowing general relativity is not familiar to most general studies undergraduates, I thought I would throw them a curveball with the possibility of a later "ah-hah!" moment. I said, "it's one." Evidently no one recognized this value as c, the speed of light, and the room was dead-faced and some were absolutely shocked and mystified. I had no intention of ruining the ahah potential and didn't explain myself, saying nothing more that class. It might have been my last session. I was shortly undergoing a mental illness relapse because I had decided to go off my medication a few months before arriving at Yale for graduate school.

My apologies to anyone only now getting this brief explanation.

A neologism by myself.

In his lifetime a man takes part as a member of many teams in sports or business; causual or serious; fleeting or enduring. Sometimes the boundaries between these teams, and the identifications of members, is not so clear. Each instance of such experience brings greater understanding of one's capabilities and potential, both as a team member and as an individual. I give to the idea of the practice of taking part in teams, as I describe foregoing, the term "teamsmanship." I think it is a new one and I find it very helpful in keeping from getting too comfortable about being a member of any one or another single team, while providing a central idea to gather all my thoughts about my ongoing development of team skills in various settings and various team memberships. It serves as somewhat of a counterpoint to the term and idea "sportsmanship," where everything is for the moment and winning or losing is today's only marker. A nation needs men to last beyond defeat, and to take victory deeper into the population.

On the matter of Iran.

If I tell Iran that if it abandons any plans to build a nuclear bomb it will be rewarded to its requirements, will the United States and Israel honor this promise? If I am assured of this I will so tell Iran.

An apology regarding my romantic record.

I have realized that my crossdressing involvements have made it impossible for me to engage in romance as a complete partner. It's more than just a distraction. It seems now to me that it's very very destructive. I am going to do the best job I can now to give myself the benefit of a complete dedication to normal sexuality, and this will hopefully end the trouble that this misbehavior has caused for others, especially those women I have participated in romance with. It's hard to say what the actual harm has been, but there is no doubt it has resulted in my total isolation and discontent with this civilization. The point I wish to end on is that I apologize.

On Islam, and other things.

Muhummad had the advantage of knowing the work of Jesus. Jesus had the advantage of knowing the work of Moses. Moses suffered more than Jesus or Muhummad and I think had a greater effect than they did. He probably wasn't interested in history. I feel no need to position him, as that is probably not the way to understand his importance. I would hope the same is true of me since I have made the claim to be something of an equal to him. I judge myself on my effects, and I have a need to keep my discipline as high as necessary to achieve my potential. I have argued that war is a consequence of a poor relationship between mankind and his perported CNS regulator, that is, bacteria, and specifically mankind's decision to put his dead in coffins. I don't think anything less than abandonment of that pracitce will bring about an end to war. It is an arbitrary practice and one might think it easy enough to abandon, but there are many such arbitrary practices by mankind and how is one to settle on this one as more significant that the others? It is an impossible approach, the straightforward abandonment of the said practice. Besides that, it just has no sense of global values, but only would seem to emerge from a basically retarded motive with respect to the problem on earth. Ending war is an object of gratification in terms of any individual espousing it. The motive has to be decentralized. A world of no kings or hierarchies would result from decentralized senses, although this is a lie. Vast expanses of individuals would find equality amidst themselves, and competition would lie around momentary objectives. But certain understandings would separate out sets according to unattainable function. It is a matter of value.

My estimation of what success for Homo sapiens requires.

It is my judgment that my fundamental difference with Homo sapiens, the nature of which has brought about the current economic malaise around the world, is in my way with making marks on paper. It is therefore only possible to advance economically for Homo sapiens if it moves to understand my way and to incorporate it into Homo sapiens' own ways, possibly leading to a new species if it means that only certain units of the species are able to adapt in this.

The economic malaise results from my ways because they create a one person versus the species eccentricity with regard to the animate stability that formerly was some type of normal distribution around all individuals.

I suppose it depends what kind of trajectory this message takes within Homo sapiens, just what adaptive effects occur. As a document, it actually is secondary because it is not marks on paper and cannot incorporate directly my most original work. But if adaptation is possible, some accommodations to Homo sapiens ways will surely be a part of it. And so I offer these lines of guidance.

Intelligence is an acquired trait.

A corollary to my hypothesis that bacteria regulate all central nervous systems is that intelligence is an acquired trait, one that forms along a strongly over-determined pathway so that the result is a trait that in most cases does not vary in testable measure.

That measure is perhaps a matter of taste more than anything else--taste for education.

My mother's misappreciation of my intelligence.

My mother was very intelligent. However, she never accepted the challenge of intelligence. She was content to ride along on a small ambition. This did not prepare her for the subtleties of raising a child who was even more intelligent than she was--myself. It was evident at graduation from Yale, where she was in attendance, that all of this commotion was a feather in her cap, and that was as far as she was able to take it. Such was the guidance I got from day one at this college. My father was an outsider but at least did not mount an effective obstacle course to it. They all were into emotion and the range of possibilities it allowed. It was this estimate of the potential I had that I played out.

My disappointment at not being taught to read the first day of school went as an anecdote and a curiosity, and this marked the duration of my flirtation with school to the last day of my years at IIT.

It was the sighting of the burning building a la Moses's bush that brought things into allignment. The oversize enlargement of my potential was made greater still by the emotional pettiness I was born into. Ecological forces stepped in and this is continuing to today. Even the comprehension of the Mafia of my potential is rooted in emotional misapprehension. They are right about one thing--I need to work out the significance of my crossdressing and get back on track in the male role path.

Obama's reelection is not predictable.

I am of the opinion that though I would like to see President Obama win a second term, his not winning would not be a disaster. My motives are entirely selfish. I think I am entitled to that. It is up to the President to win another term if he can, and the people to get the man they want, for their own motives. I don't presume to know those well enough to say who the winner will be. If I have an option that clearly weighs in for the President I will take it. But it's a vast theater in politics, like every street corner. I just walk in them. I couldn't have predicted Mr. Obama would win in 2008, so I have no business deciding whether he will win this year. Surely makes for a more interesting election anyway.

Thoughts on Iran and the United States

In my view the United States are no less theologically based than Iran. It is in the way people talk, starting with the War of Independence and on down through the years to today. This determines the way things develop throughout and deeply within the entire nation, domestically and around the world. Law may be guaged to separate church and state, but it is of no use in the unconscious affairs of men, those that determine the pitch and direction of the nation.

Let us not therefore assign to Iran the role of extremist in foreign values. Americans are just as extreme and cannot truthfully argue to the contrary. If there is to be reason sufficient in commerce between the nations, and between their people, for assuring that religion is not the engine of process, but rather that truth is, then we must subject ourselves to as forthright an investigation as we subject others to. It is never too soon to do this, even better in fact to do it while there is no war to stiffen our resolve, an effect we so dearly cherish during conflict and let define our reputation afterward. It is in our relaxed moments that our fates are sealed, by the weakness of our committment to scientific validity, and our deferment to common sense when opportunities to extend our senses lie in rare sense, where so many of our most revered predecessors have spirited us into small increments of success as a species.

If peace is to become a habit on earth for humanity, it shall come out of a place of implacable discovery, and unsettled posture. A little urge is as great an influence as a large one, and more preferable for its greater breadth of exits.

I look forward to learning among men that small things carry large truths, and in that account a book is rather too large to be included. This leaves religion out of the picture entirely.

The mugging meltdown.

In the aftermath of my publishing  what I will call an "Assertion M"--for "Meltdown"--which concerned my relation to the black race, I have been mugged by two armed men, and in an attempt to prevent any future recurrence of a mugging I threatened I would change political parties if one did. Now further repercussions have shown the situation to be in meltdown mode. I believe this calls for a clarification of why I made Assertion M.

Ever since my homelessness in New York, New Haven, and Boston I have had difficulties with the black race. However, I ultimately decided I would side with liberal values and made a statement of this committment in 1993. This statement was taken as my word of honor and I have been working in the interest of black people ever since, preferring tolerance in conflicts but also contributing money to the United Negro College Fund. Despite this turn of events there has been a plot among black people to do me in, as they say, unbroken to the present. It has been my belief that this plot was largely arranged by white racist forces which desired to poison my relations with black people because these racist elements knew I would be a potent force if a merger of intents were formed between myself and blacks. The fit for this racist element lies in the Communist Party, internationally. An explanation of my run-in with the party is given in my written autobiography available online at scribd.com, page 170.

I issued Assertion M because I felt I was in desperate need to give evidence I had decided to uphold liberal values rather than continue to be angry at blacks, so that the black groups would stop targeting me for dissolution.

It certainly didn't occur to me that issuing the assertion would create a problem. It did though, and damage has been done. The primary call here would seem to be for intelligence work with regard to the communist party.

I will monitor the situation and maintain my committment to blacks as equal partners in the American enterprise.

Mississippi's governor pardons a lot of criminals.

The action of Mississippi's governor to pardon a lot of criminals comes as understandable to me.

This civilization has not provided a uniform species code of conduct. Evidently it is a species in great uncertainty, despite a host of isolated successes. Individuals who at least speak of themselves as law-abiding look at others with what they call judgment. I suggest that judgment is a highly contextual claim in which the "crime scene" is taken to be sufficiently under control by authorites that the idea of negative feedback is expected over the broader course of events to lead to less crime. I fail to see how the short list of learned lessons about life in general which people variously take part in is able to produce any sort of crime reduction. There is even less that appeals to me in the quasi-economic notion of paying for your crimes. Police are expected to work out the details on the street. This is too much to ask anyone to do.

A lot of civilization's directions would be questioned by anyone approaching the understanding of life that a species requires. Those that do are few in number and are heavily burdened. A little less burden is a stable consequence of a little more understanding.

The pinion on the economy is of both Moses and Osiris.

The pinion I have on the economy, dating from the stock market crash of 2008, has inner detail resting not only in the story of Moses but also that of Osiris. The essential departure from the tale of Moses is that this is not a simple destruction of the established power, rather a replacement of the established economy with a new one centered on means I have created or assembled from my travels and investigations.

Next Bears game prediction.

I call the game tonight will end with a Bears loss.

Next game: an 80 percent chance of a win.

Evidence Beltemacchi is not my central opponent.

After Tweeting that I heard a voice telling me my Tweets help the Bears a run of bad luck hit the Bears and the Packers scored a second TD.

Evidently the person who principally opposes me is not a Chicagoan, which rules out Beltemacchi, though he might be an opponent none the less.

Peter Beltemacchi: how good a Bears fan?

I challenge Peter Beltemacchi to a test of nerves: which of us can call the game tonight between the Bears and the Packers first.

As you may know, I have stated I consider Mr. Beltemacchi to be a possible initiator of a blackball against me for not sustaining him in illegal acts in a hypothetical business deal, he the owner of an architecture firm in Chicago and me his, hypothetical, employee.

Approval of a media trend.

There is in the national media in the United States a not so well known trend between celebrities of all degrees to take the time and care to express to each other a moment of real support for one another, ususally by taking a little longer than is normal in such circumstances to hug one another upon being introduced or otherwise brought together. This is a different trend than those we see customarily, at least in any age with which I am familiar. It is a good trend, moreso than most, and will certainly have a good effect on a particular set of people who find themselves, though they may not know it, on any of a large number of precipices of the nature of a personal challenge, whereon much depends in the manner of deeper sharing of emotional bonds with those who share the same stage where these challenges are made, lost, or won. And as examples, people in the limelight, where I have observed this trend, will tend to be moreso than most, or that is what we are led to believe, anyway, by the media.

I look forward to seeing other signs of true caring everywhere I go.

And let us not forget that we are part of a larger conversation between all living species, and have a great privilege to keep a large space under our stewardship in a world of shortages, and need to know more about the illusion which this stewardship actually is.

Sunni and Shiite

I am very pleased with the degree to which Sunni and Shiites in Iraq have managed to lessen the extent of their animosity since the start of the military presence of the U.S. there in 2003. I admit that this is in some measure a matter of faith in the peace despite outbreaks of violence. It is in that also a matter of faith in the ability of the Iraqi government to act as government and sustain a national identity. My personal observation is that this has in fact happened, and that despite this there is an awareness that much needs to be done, for divisions in Islam have been the rule not the exception ever since the life of Muhammad.

Bomb detection in Iraq.

Ted Koppel says that device they use in Iraq to detect bombs doesn't work.

Human scientists say that bees can't fly, and yet they see them do so, like you and I see them do.

Endorsement of Barack Obama for President in 2012.

After reviewing the Republican candidates for president, I have decided for myself that Barack Obama is the best candidate and I heartily encourage others to examine his record and behavior, think on the demands of the office, and I have great trust that for those of good sense and sound judgment Mr. Obama will be the candidate of choice.

No need to hold gays in comtempt.

Before my episode trying to become transgender I seemed to be faced with a lot of opinions that I was gay. This was a mistaken notion and seems to have occurred because I wasn't expressing my desire to transgender and the fact that I was keeping locked up some odious state of mind involving my sexuality came across as being a closet gay. I hope the episode becoming transgender has straightened this matter out to some extent. There remains the fact that I really would prefer being female but cannot do it for medical reasons, and this fact may get some play by some as a continuing state of mind. I do experience lingering effects of having been set on being a female with heterosexual desires. I am working to set those aside.

The point here is that there is no reason for me to castigate gays anymore, insofar as the actual situation is appreciated by others. I castigated gays because it was the only way I could think of to distance myself from that state of mind, faced with overwhelming insinuations I was gay. I hope now the record will reflect the facts. If it does so I can safely accord all due respect to gays for their preferences.

Aborted transition to transgender female.

It turned out that estrogen therapy would increase the danger of blood clotting and since I am already at risk for clotting and take Warfarin for it, I decided not to pursue the gender change. The key factor is that without a doctor's approval for hormone therapy the State of Illinois does not permit a change of gender marker in one's state identity cards. This was an unacceptable situation for me, so I decided to give up wearing women's clothes. It was a major disappointment.

Why I think I live alone.

I think that being of female mind under it all while having to live as a male mind, is the reason I have wound up isolated from others.

It's pretty simple.

First hoop passed in change of my gender to female.

Tuesday was my appointment at the Howard Brown Health Center, a medical facility that specializes in transgender cases. The doctor's name was Alfred Torrence. He did a complete medical interview intended to determine if at this juncture I am suitable and medically ready to enter the passage to becoming a female. He said they never do a psychiatric evaluation because they do not consider the transgender person to have a sexual disorder. He simply asked me why I wanted to become a female and I gave him a pretty straight answer.

My taking Warfarin is an issue as hormone treatments will increase my blood's tendency to clot. I take Warfarin because my other doctors believe a clot caused my necrotic bowel of 2008. Dr. Torrence asked me if there was any positive proof that I had had a clot and I said no. This could be a game stopper.

Another possible issue is my liver, as it needs to be able to take some stress, for want of a better term me being a layman, caused by the hormones.

If these and all other issues turn out not to be game stoppers then Dr. Torrence will approve me for hormone therapy. This done, I will be given a lot of paperwork for changing my name and gender marker on some of the more important personal documents, these apparently not including my birth certificate as Illinois is said to give transgender folk a problem with it, One document the doctor mentioned was called a "safe passage". It guarantees to anyone concerned that I am legally able to use female public facilities, such as rest rooms. It was significant to me that all this paperwork can be prepared and completed immediately upon my approval for hormone treatment, rather than having to wait for some amount of time to pass for the hormones to start to take effect.

So the next step was blood tests and today I went in and gave blood for them. But at the end of the interview with Dr. Torrence he shook my hand and said I had passed the first hoop on the way to becoming a female.

Hard to say at this point what the odds are I will pass through the rest of the hoops.  No hormones would be a major disappointment, but even if that happens there's no going back to behaving like a boy. We'll see if my body is going to cooperate by getting itself approved for the next step.

There is one possible way to get some recognition of the gender change anyway, which is common law. With that I would just tell everyone I know that I'm making the change and what my name is going to be. It's not as solid legally, but it's certainly better than nothing. I don't know what all it would enable me to do.

On Gabriel Giffords

There is no doubt in my mind that my fate has been intertwined with some who have exacerbated my problems to the point of unprecedented, speaking anthropologically, duress. It has been my deed to survive and retain my love for others. My reliance on social security disability income is, however, not a part of what I call my survival, but a mark of low deposit of my character thanks to these persons of the exacerbation. I have no reason to believe they will continue to exacerbate my problems indefinitely.

I began work on my written autobiography on May 2, 2010. I am guessing that most of what I have written is news to my Mafia overlords. The shooting on January 8, 2011 of Gabriel Giffords has a certain random component in terms of time, and a certain structural component. I turned 60 that day. I have a certain tendency, therefore, to conclude that the Mafia allowed the shooting to occur in the interest of sending a message to the nation that that day marks a point of departure on which my reputation is to be granted a state of objection, which due to the secrecy of the deeds behind the exacerbation of my problems cannot readily be connected to the parties responsible. By pointing these things out I am putting a spin on events for perspectives to be taken and considerations to be given so that further events may be allowed to bring the parties responsible into better view. I didn't deserve to be treated as a misfit. Gabriel Giffords didn't need to be shot. One is plainly a national tragedy. One is a civilizational tragedy. Which is which? I think the answer is also plain. One doesn't allow a national tragedy to transpire unless an even greater tragedy motivates it. My continued reliance on social security is not without its costs.

Transgender's challenge to be physically active.

I am finding it a challenge as a transgender female to enter into broad-based physical activity. The issue is my choice of water balloons as breast enhancements, as they make me nervous about being too physical and risking that they will burst or fall out of my bra.

Not sure what I will do about this.

Reminder and discovery in becoming a female.

There are two principal stimulations for me to become a female: A) reminder effects, and B) discovery effects. All motives to remain a male are subsumed under some nature that is readily nullified by reminder effects, though the time it takes for this nullification varies from immediately to over the course of about an hour. Discovery effects are more basic and occur within a new universe as a female. They affect my bearing, posture, and nervous stability.

I am now within the definition of GLBT.

With my acceptance of myself as a transgender female I find myself within the definition of GLBT, or gay lesbian bisexual trnansgender. This is a fact. The common use of the term GLBT makes this fact politically active and merges my case with those of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, in ways that may or not be to my liking but nevertheless represent a certain reality that I have to deal with. Each of the four types has its own distinctive social milieu, but these are sufficiently related to one another that the GLBT term serves a definite social and political purpose and is not to be ignored. I don't get so much value out of categorizing myself as a transvestic fetishist, which I am. It links me to transvestites in general and does not have much political power behind it, or at least so far as I can tell from having to keep my condition a secret for so long. It also, the transvestic fetishism, is not commonly known as a subgroup within transvestites, and what is believed is that it isn't a type of gender identity disorder, usually. This makes it more trouble as a category for me than it's worth.

To wear or not wear false breasts.

I have a certain reticence about wearing false breasts. On the pro side, it feels good. On the con side, it strikes me as pushing the envelope in terms of cosmetic effects. In addition to these thoughts there is the matter of just how to falsify breasts. On a slim budget my only real option is water balloons in a large cup bra. What if they should rupture? Well, I got really large balloons, so for any given inflation there is more structural strength. Also, for a really large inflation I decided to double them up, one balloon inside another. Even so, there is a risk, and an accurate estimate of the risk is not easy. But even if they did rupture, it's only water and no physical damage would be done. It would just be terribly embarrassing. I don't know what other options there are, and how much they would cost.

There is something to be said for being patient for hormones to give me large breasts. But hormones may not happen if they find my liver won't take it. Then the balloons will seem my only option.

The effects of having lived as a male for sixty years.

Probably the most difficult problem I have now is that I look like a male in my face and have developed a vast set of reinforcements for expressing the male gender. I have seen that these lead nowhere, so it doesn't basically influence my decision making, but nevertheless it makes for a hard transition.

I didn't grow up with a constant desire to be a woman. My desire was for having sexual arousal and orgasms while crossdressing and the rest of the time I just went along for the ride, doing what was expected of me. But this produced a dysfunctional man, unable to realize his most profound desires. The key ingredient, of living as a woman and having female orgasms, was absent from the world that was given to me, and consequently I didn't have before me a set of choices from which i could assemble a wholesome career and family life. So what then happened? What the hell was I to make of all this? Part of what was given to me was that I was being loved and nurtured by my family, and being educated for a useful life by the educational establishment. My duty was to believe in this, and my psyche was considered by my parents to be less important, or they wouldn't have considered my unusual gender identity an obedience problem.

The educational establishment had one chance to rectify all this. As a freshman at Yale I recognized that A) I needed a good outside opinion, and B) I was in a place where I could get one. I went to the University Health service, got an appointment with a conselor without stating what it was about, and showed up not really knowing what I needed to say or ask for except to just state I had a history of crossdressing. The counselor, after I made this statement, said something that seemed compassionate but she didn't have any questions for me. I said I understood that she was telling me that crossdressing was not a problem. I was centered on that issue rather than the larger and more urgent questions of just what I needed to do at this point. My parents had instilled the idea that I was an obedience problem in this matter and if I could get the counselor to commit to a judgment that it was not a problem then it was not an obedience problem and I would be relieved of the need for self-chastisement. The counselor answered my statement by rushing in to say she didn't mean that crossdressing wasn't a problem. It was at that point that my memory of the session ends. I left completely unsatisfied with the outcome and without any idea where to turn next. So I turned nowhere and five years later was in a mental hospital after sufferring an acute psychotic break.

For this reason I consider that Yale did me a disservice by the remarks of the counselor I saw. My openness to counseling was quashed and I never attempted to get more help. Well, perhaps negligence is hard to prove here, I don't know. I'm just not happy about Yale and what it has done for me in life. But that said, what can I expect from them now? These days, not much. It's not a happy story. Maybe I'll come to better terms with it with time. I am able to see, though, that my displeasure with Yale is based in my male complications and my female identity is basically patient about his.

Considerable rethinking awaits me, that's for sure, if I don't instead just throw out the whole male bag and accept truth as a female.

A look from a great man.

As I was exiting the men's dressing room at Filene's Basement a couple days ago, having just tried on a skirt, a tall, handsome executive type guy was standing right outside the door looking at some men's clothes and he looked up right as I walked out and saw me and looked at me carefully and gave me a smile that filled me with confidence. I immediately wondered if he wasn't there as a store detective checking out whether I was trying on a skirt with good or bad intent, however, his smile certainly was approving in any case and I smiled back and took in the moment with great thankfulness for his gesture, coming as it was from a very attractive man.

The agent which led me to step on a nail

If it is true that my crossdressing began because of the trauma of stepping on a board with a nail sticking out of it at age five, then I can extend the line of deduction farther.

Perhaps I was steered to step on the nail by bees that were angry that I caught some of them in a jar filled with gasoline. They would have known full well that my aggression would have been altered by stepping on the nail. Aggression was exactly the issue with them. I don't know if they foresaw that I would become gender identity disordered. Being centered on aggression they very well might not have.

Anxious to have real breasts

For now I have to do the best I can, which is false breasts, and this gives me some comfort. But I am anxious to start hormone treatment and have my own breasts develop. That will feel ever so much better.

Gender expression and cosmetics

Expression of a single gender is almost as just as expression of the physical gender. Cosmetics bring a physical woman into line with some ideal of Woman. They play the exact same role in a transgender female, and this is an internal legitimacy for her.

At least that's the way it seems to me.

trauma and gender identity disorder

The genders physically possess enough skeletal similarity to result in a degree of interchangeability in maintenance of the sounds of the other gender's role in adaptation. At an early age trauma has unpredictable bearing here. Deconstructing trauma is not done.

Denial of gender identity disorder persists after embracement of it. The structure of support for denial is extensive but is not logical. It marks its progress on points of ambiguity, all of which are invalidated by deeper logic.

Denial support cloaks itself in sympathy. No sympathy was extended in the travail of living the birth gender so this sympathy has ulterior motives.

Suspected cause of my turn to female as a child.

It is possible that my childhood development of transvestic fetishism, and with it gender identity disorder, has an origin in a traumatic event that dislodged me from my beginning in the male identity enough to bring on the disorder. This is something of a speculation. It involves my stepping on a board with a rusty nail sticking out that was on the border between our house lot and the prairie in back of the row of houses on Lexington Street. The origin I hypothesize here is that the incident caused me to pull back from the aggressive exploration of outside worlds typical of young males given such a large almost wild territory so ready at hand.

That being said, and acknowledging that it is entirely speculation, there would seem to be no way to avoid the consequence in gender identity disorder, and the decision I made to become trans gender will have to stand unless my female identity decides, after further review and analysis, to abandon the conversion to female.

If the incident is to blame, then there is nothing about my father that produced the disorder.

What I discern in the decision of the Mafia concerning my status review in light of my new gender.

The world is full of examples of female rulers. From that standpoint there is plenty of precedent for me. The different role of help for men and women is one possible concern an overlord might have about it. I have a history of ambivalence about being helped. On one hand it is easy. That's my male history. On the other hand it has to be clear and lasting without further comment, a stable economy being the large scale image. The stable economy is based on a female ruler's knowledge of her power relationships. Mine have been difficult, but rest on a foundation no longer active--a male foundation--but a false one based on fear of reprisals for being a female. It was not power that got me out the door into public crossdressing. It was truth and logic. Certainly a good place for a leader to be.

I will see what response there is. My environment is no less the universe. My writing on this does not specify that I am asking for permission to court. It specifies only the existence of such an entity as an equal periodicity with the statement that the universe is mine. There is plenty of room for interpretation here. One example would be that the statement offers the permission on unspecified conditions.

The departure from the Edgewater Branch of the Chicago Public Library, with the statement secure, revealed, from the outburst reaction of a young black man passing me, one of cheer, proved that my writing was being read in full, to some degree of absolute, by the black Mafia hierarchy, certainly a favorable development that bears reminder now. Ownership of the universe is a wild task set. But coterminous permission to court gives the set definition. As a partnership this is a keynote for unlimited development of power in the universe.

What a woman thinks of getting help.

My mother was a tough cookie. War nurse, mother of five, outspoken opponent of racism, the list goes on. But I believe there was always a confusion about what amount of help a woman should properly expect or ask for in any given situation. She rarely asked for help. She was able-bodied. But the term "weaker sex" is not apparently for nought. As a female now I can note that I feel a huge sphere of dependence on help all around me, that in almost any situation there can come about a margin by mmy routine ways come up short of some objective. This was never apparent when I was a male.

My mother made light of her needs for help. She had a little French phrase she repeated in mock desperation whenever she seemed to be at such a point in her routine as I mention above. It was, "au secours!" I may not be spelling it right. It means, I believe, "oh, help!"

Because she made light of needing help I always thought of this as an indication that she really didn't ever need help. It was a quickly drawn conclusion that I never gave a second thought to.

But the whole matter rests squarely on the commitment of this civilization to a strict division of labor in marriage between husband and wife. If a partner has been raised to keep a certain such division of labor as a good agreement through every up and down, that partner will be able to mind his own part of the marriage without having to speak about unexpected variances of the division, that is, ask for help. I don't believe I can recall a single incident of my mother asking for help from my father. With men it seems to be a llittle different. They are expected to become a part of the industrial world where division of labor is a vast enterprise itself, and one in which innovations, which lead very easily to new divisions of labor, are of the utmost importance at the larger, or outer, levels of that world. So men have evolved an easy familiarity with unexpected needs for help, and know how to ask for it without distracting hesitation. In my family this has led to disaster, as my father expected my mother to adapt to his changing role in the industrial world as political developments led to new feelings in the world about types of people, in particular African Americans, and my mother was hard pressed to jump when he said to on such matters. Instead, she got on a soap box at the dinner table to bolster her defensive position that she knew would not fly with my father, but her need for maintaining a comfortable home environment required this soap boxing to prevent a gradual erosion of that comfort. Perhaps it was wise. What happened instead of gradual erosion was sudden death. My father blew up one day, when family circular paths of political leaning brought everything to a focus, and left the house for good.

But my mother's and father's habits of help both suffered no ill effects and they both lived out the divorce that followed in relative comfort.

But as a trans gender female I have a great amount of groundwork to do to open myself up to the female way with help. I must learn that my immediate impulse in speech, which carries the ease of asking for help without fuss, is in need of repair. The male world has wrecked the achievements of my female impusles, more valuable impulses, for me, than the male ones I trumped up to meet the muster. If I don't listen to voices as crying out for help I can never hear my own doing the same.

My early life with gender identity disorder.

At the beginning of my life, having for unknown reasons a potential of living like a girl and no potential for living like a boy, I didn't enter into the search for a career. Every activity was shortened because the only life work I was destined for was being a full-time housewife. This was my legacy from my mother. I was the ultimate Yale female student, there only to look for a husband and not intending to use my education in a career. My high ambition was not moderated by an integral life view and got blown up way out of proportion. I scattered my interests all over and repeatedly went off the deep end in career-like ventures, scoring some remarkable victories but none of it adding up to a basic understanding of the male contract with civilization.

Now that I acknowledge being trans gender I have to ferret through the maze of thoughts, memories, and impressions from my childhood to arrive at a logically sound female contract with civilization. The greatest puzzle at the present time is my breasts. With an x and a y chromosome my breasts are vestigal. My life with gender identity disorder provides me with a sensitivity for large breasts and no sensitivity for small. Without estrogen therapy or surgical augmentation I will have small and yearn for large, forcing me to mollify myself by wearing a large cup bra with water balloons in it. It's a bizarre solution but sure feels a lot better than living without it. My mother had large breasts and living her legacy puts me into a position of naturally looking for large breasts to be there at every turn. The water balloons provide something to bear off of in that natural expectation. I believe it is not uncommon for women to stuff their bra to get a larger appearance there, so it is not absolutely correct to say that this practice is illegitimate or dishonest.

Now that I can go about in public with the stuffed bra I can relax and wear it all day every day and get used to the feeling of satiation it gives to me. Giving satisfaction to a male partner is another part of the matter as yet not a priority.

Most fundamental reason I think I am GID.

The most fundamental reason I think I am GID is that when I fall back on female taxis as I sit at the computer and work I no longer experience lapses of logical process when confronting snafus.

found a forum on transgender and posted there

I found a forum on gender identity disorder and joined and posted my story, asking for suggestions.

For my post, click here.

Illinois has laws in my favor as a transgender female.

I found a document that identifies Illinois as a jurisdiction that has laws which prohibit discrimination or harrassment on the basis of gender identity or expression. To see it, click here.

Some of the new problems as a woman.

Quite obviously everything I ever understood about men came about in a state of false presumption regarding the polarity of my devotion. The things I developed among them, speaking of any group solely of men, were foundationless.

My manner of writng is fractured and unserving me. Cycles of action begin and end on a note of misplaced identity. My notion of what I can hope to accomplish in life needs to be reset to what I can realistically hope to accomplish in a world which does not readily acknowledge the potential for mastery in women. My own accomplishments in the field of art to date need a nonlinear bridge to those to come. I have a duty to put myself in a proper interior position with women, and share their struggle. Even though I have not yet advanced into physical reassignment of my sex I am as much a woman in spirit now as I ever will be after reaching physical reassignment, or so it seems, though I would certainly welcome even higher degrees of my womanhood. My present state is rather like that of a girl entering puberty, in some ways, and yet also more familiar with coitus than that, since I have had such experiences, and my memory of the female's behavior at those times is quite active.

The overwhelming assurance I possess is that a woman can be a great person in history, and so I need not despair of precedent for good deeds in my new role. I also put my trust in my body as a register on which the greatest joys of sex can be entered, specifically as a woman, through the depth of human imagination--and a promise that as in anything, persistence, regarding the ideal of sexual rewards, pays off, for man or woman, and so I needn't expect less sexual reward as a woman than I did as a man. What lies behind the face shaped by the wrong DNA? Perhaps only time can tell.

A female mafia kingpin?

Once the diagnosis is officially GID my status as Chicago Italian./Roman Mafia First will certainly  come up for review.

Why my condition went undiagnosed

I think the reason no one ever diagnosed my condition properly is that individuals with transvestic fetishism almost all do not identify as the other gender, so this would be assumed to show that my condition is not one of GID, or gender identity disorder. I am a rare transvestic fetishist in that I have GID.

My current thinking is that now that wanting to be female is something I have to consider a part of my identity, I can relax about the fetish element of crossdressing, even not play it out anymore at all. We will see.

I'm nervous about the inevitable acceptance of men as sex partners. Although my orgasm phantasies involve basic male participation, it would seem unlikely that without surgery a real partnership with a male would be at best awkward and more probably impossible. I don't imagine actual men. Just motifs.

Over the past seven days I have had 15 orgasms, six days with two and one day with three. One of these was through imaging myself in a male role. The rest were imagining myself in a female role. The male role was had just before my first order of female clothes was delivered, about half way through the seven days.

Preparing myself for becoming a transgender female is now my primary concern, and conducting a program of twice daily orgasms seems less immediate a desire. It also becomes a serious cleanliness problem, because the consumption of my thoughts by female associations leaves no time for providing for the well-ordered tending of the accompaniments of the male anatomy to orgasm.

As a female I will have no possibility of having my own children, I am guessing.

A diagnosis for my condition.

Although I have been given various diagnoses all within the mental illness category, I now believe my diagnosis is not mental illness and the mental illness I have is completely an effect of my actual condition--transvestic fetishism.

I come to this conclusion after reading the wikipedia entry on transvestic fetishism. This is not the end of the matter. This wikipedia entry says that,

"Occurrence of transvestic fetishism is uncorrelated to occurrence of gender identity disorder.^[1] Most men who have transvestic fetishism do not have a problem with their assigned sex."

After long soul-searching I have come to the conclusion I do have gender identity disorder. I used to not exhibit it, but this was mostly because I was afraid to embrace my condition and live it as fully as I really wanted to.

Since beginning cross-dressing in my apartment--and never outside it--I have seen that I am picking up little cues at every turn to my preference for having female anatomy. This is difficult to a certain extent because the two genders have primary characteristics that are different. But the imagination, once it sets its mind, can make up for a lot of this.

I don't like the stories I have heard about sex change operation results and I don't have the money for one even if I did.

The wikipedia entry says that transvestic fetishism

"is categorized as a paraphilia in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association."

I'll have to look that up.

The entry also says that the condition

"causes clinically significant distress or impairment, whether socially, at work, or elsewhere."

This is the explanation for my diagnosis of various mental illnesses. The wording here is critical--"clinically significant."

Now I can tell my psychiatrist about it.

More on my cross dressing.

Being a female behavior for 60 years it is not likely to change in another 60. Why deny my most fundamental taxis and not cross dress in my own home?

What plans result?

To build on the achievements of one's father is the cornerstone of a son's duty. Who was there to decree a foul for me?

--the adoption route, now too late.

My father once or more cheered:

"hus sus sah
hus sus sah
hit 'em on the head
with a club us sah"

Other examples are plentiful.

Pat Cannon's story about me walking through male aggression with aplomb, at junior high, shows I picked up something from my father... but...

A hand entered our home--Marie Smach Batek, my grandmother.

Maybe I picked it up not from my father, but from his mother.

There were two options for me:

1. no cross dressing and a two-bit gangster

2. cross dressing and a kingpin

My mother was reckless. Her behavior at the movie Lucas in California in 1996 shows it. It's the kind of thing a child wouldn't notice. I noticed it because I had arcane knowledge.

My mother got mail when I was living with her in 1996 from the Rosecrucians. I asked her if she was a member and she said she had nothing to do with them.

Why did they send her mail? They wouldn't send out mass mail, I'm sure of it.

I conclude she probably was a member and kept it secret.

Al Bowyer, our neighbor in Glen Ellyn, told me there was something wrong with my mother. It could have been her living a secret life as a Rosecrucian. When did she join?

My mother was reckless. She married a crude man. What counsel did she get from the Rosecrucians?

Wisdom judges the preference of taxis in gender. Not all of the facts can be discovered however. And some are locked into the puberty bootstrap.

My first estimate of my self was as a female.

When I was very young I was very smart. I saw that my mother's speech was tied up with her mobility, that she talked things through as she encountered them. My father's speech was not reflective of his mobility. It was drab and slow moving by comparison with my mother's speech.

For this reason, I speculate, I was forced to select my mother's example for my sexual identity.

Astonishing!

But I think it is true.

I got into my mother's bureau and looked longingly at her lingerie. The smell was intoxicating. Between the ages of five and sixteen I was sexually active as a female. Wearing my mother's lingerie was so powerful a stimulus that it always made me have an orgasm. I had to wrap my organ in rags to be certain not to soil the clothes and give myself away. Actually I was caught twice and my father yelled at me that if I was caught again he would parade me in her clothes out in front by the street. The second time I was caught it moved my mother to sob and plead with me not to do it again or she would tell my father.

I'm sorry, but the alternative was to accept my father as my role model. I think he proved in his life that this would have been the greater disaster than me acting out the female role. He was fine for my siblings. I needed something more sophisticated.

Of course it was impossible to pursue the complete depth that this tendency needed. I couldn't ask my mother to raise me as a girl. I suppose I knew it was futile, that there was no solution to the problem of plumbing. This combined with the fact that my parents were both outraged by what little they knew about it made it impossible to pursue.

Sex change operations were not done back then, and even now they are more expensive than my family could have afforded. I have mixed feelings about the stigma. On the one hand it leads to humiliation and no one wants that. On the other hand my choosing the female path is a true fact and all my attempts to live a male life have left me wasted and ruined. Being up front about this is the only way I can live in truth, and that means it is the only way to realize my full potential.

I have not gone at female living in any way but those associated with using female clothes to have an orgasm. I don't see myself as physically female or suited to attract men. The path into and out of the transvestite bedroom is for me gender-neutral. Within that gender-neutral path there is the pursuit of stimuli learned from cultural information, not at first a real physical sensation, of the normal male behavior. But there is in it no such solid foundation for me as that of pursuit of the female orgasm.

I am sorry, but that is the way I have become myself. There is no male role-model for me. As a result I have failed to merge into a career path, as that requires a solid foundation in one's physical gender, whether heterosexual or homosexual. I have lived a phantom existence, and it has left me without a place in the world. It is assumed by the masses that because a child is made from the genetic material of both parents that both parents will be the child's best natural role models. In my case this assumption, which I was surrounded by growing up, was a total error, and in adulthood, having passed out of the family environment, it was an assumption that failed to explain my decisions and directions, leaving one big enigma as my whole life story.