Court decision on gays in the military.

The recent decision by the courts to end the practice by the military of keeping homosexuality a secret and forcing out those who don't is in line with my stated policy that homosexual rights of an individual, rather than couple, nature are to be butressed, while couple rights denied.

I stand by my policy and I will stand by the new military policy so long as it becomes and remains consistent with my own.

The connection between Crystal Newell and myself.

The connection between Crystal Newell and myself is gaseous. Under stress, it dispels, then accumulates again. Sometimes it takes a long time to reaccumulate. Each time it reaccumulates I learn something about her.

IIT homecoming this weekend.

Went to two IIT alumni events this weekend. Friday night was a networking session held at the on-campus hang-out, the Bog. Met two current IIT students named Chuck and Steve, and we talked about a number of things including photography. Also met another current student, Aisha (can't recall exact spelling). She is an architecture student and a member of the student group, Student Organization for Alumni Relations. Also met a student who was very interested in my thoughts about whether anything had changed on the IIT campus since I was a student. His name began with a P. I said campus was not changed in any way--it's identical. They had nice appetizers.

Today, Saturday, they had a lot of alumni events. I took a trolley tour of campus and learned so many things that IIT is doing to improve its physical identity, and also that the public housing to the south is gone and classy condominiums, and a Starbucks up in its place. This is good news.

Then I attended a lecture by the university archivist about the students and campus of the 1950s. I learned a lot about activities of the military on campus.

Then I had a burger and dog, compliments of IIT. Yum!! Thank you very much.

Enjoyed homecoming very much and looking forward to next year.

Still to come...a lecture by Susan Solomon, IIT grad and Nobel Peace Prize winner, on October 13.

Recent update: I couldn't go to the lecture by Ms. Solomon because I had to go to a class as a judge of election. They discourage rescheduling those.

Not a life to emulate

Would I recommend the sort of life I have had to today's Yale students?

There are so many reasons not to. I am poor. I am mentally ill. New Haven's last official words to me were stay away. My blog is unpopular. Most of my family has disowned me. This is a deep and dark cavern to explore in looking for signs of do not enter.

There is no "BUT". I may have a life of substance in terms of accomplishments (now the but) but they are all resting on the slimmest footing and the most vulnerable chemistry, that of DNA, with respect to permanence. I will not succumb to a tendency to poetry in the interest of selling what I have not enjoyed. My life is not one to inspire imitation or succession. It has been a tedious existence. Little romance. Day after day of hunger and cold. Refuge in the unappealing arms of Social Security Disability. By any measure it is a tragedy.

Life itself has been an irritant.

Why?

There is a possibility the reason is that as a freshman at Yale I mused about my choice of a direction in life among all those I had seen and heard about, the lives of Yale alumni, and I came to a general but murky conclusion that the best way I could use my Yale education, were I to complete it, was to seek no reward but yet work, and do this in the company of the poor of America. I had no skills for it. I had no ideas to make it concrete and actionable. I only had a desire to admit myself into company which at the time I would have blushed to think of as fellows of the same kind. And for this choice there remains no reward. That keeps me in the company. It doesn't make me happy. I have never disowned my appetite for pleasure. I have learned to live with various levels of poverty, both in terms of money and in terms of logistics. I have no ashram to offer those interested in me, whether as a place to live or as a house to provide brief respite. I have not extended anyone's spiritual empire. I have not written anything pointing the way. These disqualify me for that one office which I can otherwise claim with reason, that of successor to Moses. So perhaps I shall ultimately disengage myself from that claim, and go entirely sui generis. Great. Another vanity.

Such as it is, it is a warning to all but those who disregard them, not to follow me.

Utility

Given:

Utility to the wise.
Utility to the population.

Which is the greater value?

Islam today.

It might serve understanding of current global politics if I say something about my role in it all.

First, there is the matter of my advice to certain bodies of power in the United States, given at some time in the past--perhaps a few years ago. It was a time of great feelings of instability between the motives due to a sense of violation, on the one hand, and the motives of historic compassion among peoples of the Christian faith, on the other. I sensed at that time that the real danger was not in the actual forces at play, but in these feelings of instability. With that sense in my forethoughts, I issued an advisory to certain powers which had been following my work and progress, to the effect that it was my view that those with the responsibility of defining policy at a high level of authority needed to make a decision of whether they would stand as opponents to Islam in an absolute way because of its association with the new global terrorist threats, even though this association did not necessarily justify identifying the one with the other, or, rather than that, taking some other stance. I intended no hint of personal favoratism in such a decision, and I believe none was taken. As a result, certain powers moved quietly toward a more robust position of opposition to all of Islam than had been given serious consideration before my advice was given. I have no position on whether this position of opposition is valid or invalid. I consider it a religious matter and I am not devoted to any religious partisanship so such matters strike far from my most fervent desires.

I have instead of a position on the relationship between Islam and Christianity a position on the relationship between religion and science. It is that, in my view, science yields results which have greater validity than any results of religious endeavor. The sphere of human life, as that of all life, is greater than any religious crystalization of principles can ever gather together. Instead, religious principles are crafted so that the considerations which science takes as necessary, that of proof and consistency, can be safely discounted and belief substituted for them, with what has been historically a fairly good improvement over what went on before any of the religions were conceived. Such a method, that of religion, is suitable for promulgation and reflective consideration of broadly based principles which go beyond what science can currently provide on a more objective basis, and this is helpful. But I would suggest that there is merit in applying what Jesus said, "render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. Render unto God what is God's." to science and religion. This would disengage religion from the question of evolution, an incendiary suggestion admittedly, but something which I think Jesus might have found to have great practicality were he living today. It would also tend to allow all religions to stabilize their growth against other developments, including other religions, and take some satisfaction in being allowed some significant credit for their beneficence, while at the same time take some humility to heart in the face of such massive blessings from science that have accompanied the gradual loosening of the hold of religion on the universal scope of mankind's enterprises.

Let this be read as the thought of a deeply modest scientist who formerly engaged one or two religions as an adherent, to one or other degree of faithfulness.

Yale Club event last night.

Last night I went to a Yale Alumni event at Piece Brewery and Pizzaria on North Avenue. There was no cost so I could attend. They had all the beer and pizza you could eat.

I talked to Robin Walsh Schoewe, a Yale Club of Chicago board member. She was an economics student in the class of 1985 and has done a lot of banking work. One of her three children will be applying to Yale this year. Good luck on that!

I also talked to Rich Blond, a lay priest at the Episcopal Church of the Atonement, which I once attended when I was still religious. Rich is about fifteen years before me in age. We talked about budgeting, and about some of the people we knew in common at Atonement.

I noticed across the street from Piece there was a bicycle shop, Rapid Transit Cycles, that I had been referred to as a place to let my girlfriend, Crystal Newell, try out a recliner. Crystal declined the invitation.

It was a great evening.

Humor in a modern biblical figure.

One of the most important qualities of any modern day biblical figure is a sense of humor. Anticipation of a biblical figure has concentrated on a successor to Jesus. Such a figure would have little room for a sense of humor. Jesus had none. Thus there is no ground on which to build one, for anyone taking him as a predecessor.

I am no Christ. Jesus is not my predecessor and I don't often look to him for inspiration. On the other hand Moses is my predecessor and I often look to him for inspiration. I try not to picture him as Charlton Heston. I find that hard to do. It might seem tempting to point to him and say everyone should respect me the way the audience of his film is led to respect him. This is a hazardous route. If I am a successor worthy of the name then there should be ample validation in the record as supplemented by my own telling of my life story. And here is where the sense of humor earns its keep. So much sacrifice and relentless misfortune needs a balancing theme. It is an immediate restorer of peace to think that humor is a deep part of my own approach to life, not taking myself too seriously and accentuating my peerfulness. This way my friends throughout my life can enjoy each one a stake in the transcendence I have carved out of the misfortune, as my good friends and comrades at all the many stages of the story, and as assessors, going forward, of the many ironies and absurdities of it all.

The nine videos in the sidebar go far in one direction and the moments of humor are well distributed throughout. It is this aspect that I rely on to remind me of the responsibility I have to keep the whole thing light. It is surely a sign of success to be able to laugh at the ridiculousness of one's own attempts at standing out from people one needs as brothers and equals. It is admittedly a laughter on a deep level, but such is the nature of the thing and the place where the humorous side emerges in my thinking. On that I can rely with freedom to be zealous, where my own humor gets its biggest boost.

God, homosexuality, and the problem of H. sapiens.

Homosexuality is one of those things like war and poverty that men have looked at uncomprehendingly since the beginning.

It is my feeling that my own language, based on sixteen characters I cannot share because I haven't the stamina to research how to get a computer to produce them, is responsible for certain positions I have taken on the frontiers of civilization, one of them my position that homosexuality is best eliminated, with as much care as possible not to cause the individual comfort of these people to be encroached on. That homosexuality is a sign of a dysfunctional civilization, even a dysfunctional species, is easy to see for those who also see that there is no God. Unfortunately there are billions of people who don't see that about God, and this makes it a demanding task to have a reasonable discussion about homosexuality, even speaking alone as a writer does.

So here is my position:

This species is subject to universal substitution of sufficiency, as a valid motive of comment, for progress in argument. If a comment has some way in which it can be taken immediately as sufficiently motivated, with a threshold of sufficiency on the order of what allows people to remain unmoved, to fit where it does into a discussion, then that comment is justifiable under the universal consensus of the species. Thus outfitted, the members of this species propagate their status gotten by the generosity of others far away and perhaps long ago, without having to do any Goddam thing of their own to progress beyond war, poverty, and homosexuality. As a state of species motivation, this amounts to an enormous bulk of material precious to each person that commands attention only because some or other rule of order allows it, and thus the beast is so arrayed for being out at pasture.

The species is proud of its self-image. It associates that image with God. In fact, there is no argument in it. Modern appliances in a civilization that has no argument preventing the occurrence of war and panic seems to me what we expect of children. "Don't worry about learning how to earn a living now. It's time to play and have fun. Worry about earning a living when you're older."

The argument is harder than this. So far I have dealt in plausibilities. These are closer to argument than sufficiency, but still not as argumentative as what the best science demands. I am not arguing with a prototypical individual, but with what I can make out to be a statistical description of the whole population, without depending on the existence of some who agree with me. Those who agree with me will have their battles but until progress is made in the discussion with the whole population there is no solace from being not alone.

Truth is fine. Navigating points of argument is considerably wider in scope. It cannot be done by professing commitment to truth. What is in common with all H. sapiens? What frequency are its other characteristics, not in common? Those who have seen the greatest variation in these characteristics are confined by the things in common. There knowledge is blocked.

Let me rest. Call it be-ers block.

On the quoting and attribution of my work.

I am under the impression that what I publish in this or my other blogs cannot be borrowed or used by others without attribution in a form that is legally prescribed. I am not familiar with those legal provisions but I find it in my interest to learn what they are.

I am not a lawyer. Legal research is not one of my studied abilities. Therefore I must make the best use I can of what occurs to me to be sound ethical practice. As a writer, I know that there are written sources of information about the law which I can make use of to improve the legal standing of this that occurs to me as ethical. On a zero budget I can do no better than this, it seems to me. A legal opinion by a lawyer would cost money that is not nearly reachable by my budget. (It is my experience that they ask for a retainer before performing any work and these are on the order of $500. That is not something I can foresee being raisable by me for the indefinite future.)

Toward starting a discussion of this matter, and in keeping with what I have just said, I now wish to introduce a quote regarding sharing when sharing is being encouraged. It is a quote from Wikipedia's Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License, regarding use of material on Wikipedia.

Before giving the quote I must state that I do so because it bears on the topic of use of someone else's material, not because I consider it legally applicable to my blogs, which I may or may not do according to my study of the document from which the quote comes, or the quote itself. There are differences between Wikipedia and my blogs. I give the quote because there seem to be some similarities, and, as a person of less than legal qualifications, I am induced to give it in the sense of a useful beginning to my discussion, which itself may prove to be short and small in detail since I am not able to know how much there is a need for me to engage a thorough discussion here of the law.

Here is the quote:

"* Attribution—You must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor (but not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use of the work.)
"* Share Alike—If you alter, transform, or build upon this work, you may distribute the resulting work only under the same, similar or a compatible license."

Now this calls up considerable substance which I cannot comment to. What is a "similar or compatible license"? What, indeed, is a "license" altogether?

And as I say, this passage may or may not have some relevance to my blogs. But like Wikipedia, I would be pleased if my work were influential, and influential work is quoted by others. Wikipedia may object to my attributing such a view to them, and if so I will admit that it is only a personal reflection based on what I have seen, and not to be construed as something I propose as fact.

But I offer the quote as an example of what has been said by a source which seems to be widely considered reliable in matters stemming from being influential and quoted, about its own position on the matter of others using its work.

Without knowing the law, I must stop at merely saying that if anyone quotes my blogs, it would be my preference that they annotate the material as a quote and attribute it to me in the sense of my blogs. Also, I would prefer that the magnitude of the material quoted be limited. It is my understanding that both of these preferences have a solid legal footing.

Let the reader take heed of these matters and know that they are something on which I have an opinion, with significant implications in terms of the elements here discussed in so brief a manner, but not in that lacking an interest by legal authorities.

Comic

Comedy is an angle, not a position, and comics are ambush acrobats withouot knowledge of anything between them and their target.

Clarification of my position on homosexuality.

Let me clarify my position on homosexuality. Two points: 1) It is very poignant. These people are to be granted no less comfort through their own effort than anyone else. This is an individual right. 2) It is unfortunate, and needs to be ended. Beyond comfort, I don't see any rights stemming from a perversion of the cultural provisions for procreation. Gay couples are an abuse of those provisions. I don't care whether religions condemn them or not. It's impossible for gays to contribute to the sexual equation. I don't know why it happens. I wish I did. It would help form understandable policy. As it is my policy will be considered contrary to many people's conception of rights. There is too much about homosexuality we don't see that would probably raise objections if we did. It seems they are using the closet to produce a secret institution. Obviously we have to find a different solution than the closet. They should be assured of due comfort as individuals and not forced into hiding by discrimination as individuals. But the cultural provisions for couples are more important than the Constitution provides. Either legal opinions must confront this fact or the Constitution must be amended to state it explicitly, and if that doesn't work, then it's time for another revolution. I will not sit idly by and watch this species go to the dogs.

Taking the scientific approach.

The previous post makes good sense. Time to build upon it.

There is nothing set in stone that says the Moses factor, by virtue of my having seen on a building the same fire Moses saw on a bush, requires that my enemy be my father and his supporters. It is up to me to determine who my enemy is. Once I have done that, I can then begin to relate it to why I saw the burning building. Fear is not a superior weapon. It is basically confusion, and not to be applied to a scientific enterprise. Though I have not been true to this view, and dealt out vague threats based on the connection to Moses, those are part of the learning curve. Not all of the effects of having a predecessor a few thousand years ago are inherently good. It is not easy for any successor to a role of much acclaim, including mantles that pass within the same generation. I hope that the way I have used the role of Moses does not prevent me from amending it. The fact that so little commitment has been made by me or others, with regard to the mantle of Moses, is certainly helpful in this regard. With science driving my interpretation of facts, there is some chance of success for me, and for my enterprises joined in, in some cases, by others who may also be reassured by the role I give to science.

This stance is broad. Many paths come to mind, but better to allow the land to settle.

Higher racism behind the rift between myself and my father.

There are countless points of disagreement between the supporters of my father, on one side, and myself, on the other.

This is not essentially a matter between my father and me. It concerns those who gave him counsel. The central point around which all others revolve is his statement to me early in 1969 that I was not going to get into Yale, said with both emphasis and certainty, but coming from someplace not previously so manifest. My immediate sense was that this was something he had gotten from someone else.

This sense was reinforced when I returned from my first year at Yale and he said he had gotten a report that I had taken sociology at Yale. I fail to see how this error served him. It could only have been intended to inject disorder into our family.

There is much to recommend the view that both comments were known by him to be false. However, that view is too easy. It also takes me as fool enough to be affected by these comments.

A more rational view is that someone was trying to sabotage me by, as I suggested, injecting disorder into the family. This purpose would consequently not have a motive in racial disharmony, since it plays fast and furious with such matters, and so hardly having any effect there.

Why would they cause my father such confusion if his racial position was the same as theirs? It seems to be not a matter of values, but of mating. Without parental support I was unable to put together a plan for marriage to any of the more than satisfactory females, including three perfect ones. This is perhaps yet a racial issue, but a much higher form of race understanding that has my father and me as unworthy ethnic stock.

Thus being accepted by Yale had a consequence of invoking some form of international power against me in such ways that my admission to Yale, known accurately to such a power, would invoke countermeasures that would follow me wherever I went, once they were certain I would get in. This power would have as much against my father as it had against me.

Such opposition would appear to have no solution other than unlimited conflict. I can't offer them anything else, as anything else would be a surrender.

I can only count on my deliberations being taken constructively by those who follow them.

My autobiography is now 200 pages.

I have uploaded a revision to my autobiography. It is now 200 pages. The previous version was 100 pages. I have increased the price from $5 to $10.

Thanks to blogcatalog.

One of the most valuable tips I have gotten concerning blogging came from material on Google.com. It was to register on the website, blogcatalog.com. This site seems to have been the source of a large number of references to my blogs, resulting in higher positioning of my blogs in searches.

Thanks, Google. Thanks, blogcatalog.

Santee event signals the notion of legend, not Christ.

The incident of me walking my bicycle on a highway in Santee, CA in the summer of 1986 might have seemed to the three pesons who witnessed it and lined up standing on the road shoulder for me to pass them as the appearance of the Christ because I put my arms out, but in fact it was not a Christ image but a legend, because I also put my legs out. This position formed a five-pointed star with my head. Although I cannot say it with certainty, I think of it as a legend, in the sense that it was a sign for use in understanding a map of the road.

Please do not think of me, for all my statements of outsize events in my life, as a Christ. I am not a teacher, though I may exhibit a lesson or two now and then. A teacher is lost in the diseconomies of lengthy proof, and anything worth learning needs a length of time to prove. I pursue economy, so that I can earn a decent dollar and provide a base on which my descendants can learn to do the same.

I apologize if I have left an unclear message regarding my view of the event of Santee, 1986. I may have reservations about even the term legend, but not nearly so much as for the term Christ. If other meanings of the term legend apply, including over time, as all legends grow over time, then I shall try to accommodate them. There was no name on that event, so if my name does come into prominence for some reason let it be known that reality is a strict logician, and that event will always be served by a strict logical truth. Christians who wait for a Christ are expecting something in particular. Any man who would accept that expectation as a stricture on his life would in my view be a very unwise man. As far as other religions also await a redeemer, and my understanding is that most religions do, then the same view of mine I would carry for them. I am a scientist, and an atheist. Nothing like a Christ could be farther from my intentions, and I hope this is clear.

Three eras of my relationship to blacks.

There are three eras in my life which bear on my relationship to black people.

1.) My junior year of high school.

2.) My freshman and sophomore years at Yale College.

3.) Starting with my homelessness in 1981 and ending with my writing of the poem, "Black Girl's Husband I".

In the first era, I was keenly aware of my mother's position, which was that intermarriage was the only solution to race relations in the United States. Then one day at school I was approached by my friend Norm Swett who invited me to join him and others in picketing the A&P food store in Glen Ellyn, our home town, because it had reneged on a written agreement to hire more black workers. I was not in the habit of verifying incendiary claims such as this, so to this day I don't know if it was valid. In any case, I trusted Norm and joined the picket line.

Before I did so I felt that I should give my father a chance to veto my decision to do this, since I was as keenly aware of his counter position to my mother's as I was aware of my mother's. Besides that, he paid the bills.

So I went to my father's beauty shop and presented him with my decision to picket. He kept his temper and made clear to me two things, one of which he didn't live up to. One was that he didn't want me to do it. This he did live up to. The other was that it was up to me to do or not do as I saw fit. This he was not able to follow through on even though he didn't stop me from picketing. He came home from work the day I picketed and was in a furious rage. He had gotten a report from a customer that I had gone ahead and done it.

Well, what was I to think of his word? He came off to me as a real unreliable testifier to his will. Moreover, he and my mother got into a huge argument over it, she defending my action. I didn't follow the argument long and I'm not sure how long it went. In any case, I was upstairs in my bedroom at some point and he came up and got down on his knees in front of me (the ceilings were angled because the roof was angled so maybe this was due to his height not fitting in the part of the room where I was sitting) and said, crying, that he was leaving because my mother had said they didn't communicate. Then he did leave. The divorce followed several years later. Clearly his marital problem was deeper than his race problem, or he wouldn't have quit being angry at me for the picketing, which he apparently did. He stated to me numerous times later than the divorce wasn't my fault.

The second era is important because it was my first public verbalization of my own particular feelings about race. At a three day event at the beginning of freshman year, sponsored by a New Haven Christian group, I was exposed to New Haven's black community and leaders. At a meeting with Willie Counsel, president of the Hill Parents Association, I and my coattendees were asked to go around in our circle and express our feelings about what he had said about what was going on in the Hill, a poor black neighborhood in New Haven. When my turn came I was in tears thinking about what I had to say, which was that I was actually a racist despite my thinking I was very sympathetic towards black people, and that's what I said. After we all spoke Mr. Counsel gave his reaction to each of us and when he got to me he said he thought I had a potential for doing a lot of good in the black community.

The next year I learned about a Yale work-study program in which if I found a community group to work for Yale would pay my wages.

My first thought was Willie Counsel and the Hill Parents Association. But when I met with Mr. Counsel he didn't seem to recognize me and made no mention of meeting me and speaking of me when I had visited him with the church group the previous year. I certainly didn't think it admirable for me to bring up that event with him myself, as it would have been terribly selfish. So when he asked me what I thought I could do for his organization I got the sense he didn't see that there was very much. I mumbled a little about some flakey notion of service and it made no impression on him. He didn't want me to work for him.

I finally ended up being a totally uninspired and unproductive employee of the Hill Neighborhood Corporation for sophomore year. I had no contact with anyone of authority and had no actual supervisor. Nominally my assignment was to start up a neighborhood newspaper. I had no budget. What was I to do? I went around in the Hill acting like a reporter investigating stories. That's all I did. I'm embarrassed to have billed Yale for it.

The next year I went back to visit my employer and met the man they hired full-time to start a newspaper. He impressed on me the fact that he loved comic books. He didn't say anything having to do with a newspaper. I don't know what his budget was.

The third era began in New Haven when I was homeless. I went often to a soup kitchen in an Episcopal Church, Christ Church as I recall, and there were a lot of blacks. I felt there was unnecessary crowding in the line to the food and I decided to make a stand of leaving plenty of space between myself and the person in front of me. The guy behind me would always complain and threaten me. I kept my stand. Something needed to be done. I was feeling a lot of pressure from blacks and I didn't like it. Too many stories to tell in a blog.

The era ends in about 2001 when I wrote a poem entitled, "Black Girl's Husband, I." It was fiction, but represented a form of truth about what was possible. It was a semi-finalist in an on-line poetry contest. When I tried to display it on the website I owned at the time, the system shut down and prevented me from doing so.

At about the same time I gave $20 to the United Negro College Fund. They asked me online if I wanted to inform anyone and I indicated Dorothy Jackson, the assistant administrator at my nursing home. They asked me if I wanted anyone else to be notified and I said no. Dorothy didn't mention getting notification and I didn't ask her about it. Better it remain our secret.

Another event within the third era was when I told the Chicago police I wanted to join the Mafia. I said then that I wanted to bring harmony between blacks and whites.

In 2006 I was the Republican candidate for state representative in the fourteenth district of Illinois. I didn't mention race.

In 2008 Barack Obama emerged from Illinois politics to become the president of the United States.

These two events were not within the three eras. They were the fruits of them, when taken together.

Pain and adulthood.

On the day I went into the hospital for what turned out to be a necrotic bladder I was writhing in abdominal pain and I became aware of overlords criticizing me for not ceasing my internal complaints. It was given a spin to the effect of "grow up!"

I had been working on my state lying in bed and had come to take a certain optimism about what was a solvable problem, both viscerally and ideally. This made me want to work on the abdominal pain even though it had an aspect of lengthy complaint reminiscent of youth. I ignored the criticism I felt as a result.

Shortly thereafter, in the course of my explorations of the pain, a sudden peace came upon me that I associated with modifications of my vertebral support attitudes. The pain went from a seven plus or minus two to a three plus or minus two, in a matter of less than two seconds plus or minus one.

Had I thought of it, I might have deduced from this evidence that I had a blood clot and managed to dislodge it.

The doctors at the hospital told me after the operation in which they removed part of my bladder that the only possible cause of a necrotic bowel is a blood clot in the abdomen.

Perhaps such a deduction as I could have made is of no value, since the doctors took care of the problem and told me essentially that I had had a clot anyway. But what of other issues of my internal body, and my abilities to affect and study them? But moreso is the fact that had I entered into exploration of my body earlier, before the necrosis began, I might very well have avoided the necrosis entirely. What drove me to explore was the pain. I delayed exploration because I applied normal diffidence to the earlier, slighter levels of pain, diffidence based on acceptance of pain.

So it seems evident I need more rejection of pain, not less, and the overlords stand as an obstacle to that.

I don't advocate childishness. I don't advocate crying. But it seems they're temporary measures buying time for science to displace folk wisdom, and in that children always have a better hand than adults, the kind that tell you to grow up.

Reelection of Mr. Obama.

It appears that fuel is increasing for there to be difficulty when President Obama enters the race for a second term. In reflecting on this it occurs to me that I may have contributed to this development by concentrating exclusively on getting him elected as a vehicle for racial harmony to the exclusion of the affairs of actually being in office.

After he was elected there was a certain ossification of the matter in consequence of the uncertainties of how his election was taken, by the various partisanships in the nation, as having been accomplished only contingent on my desire to harmonize black-white relations. While some of this uncertainty must stem from my ignorance of what my overlords have done to make known or make not known my role in the election, some probably stems from my struggle with my own striving with these partisanships, most importantly in the matter of the increase of my income to a level that would independently sustain myself, and ideally a wife and descendants. My failure at this point to succeed in this effort has led to numerous expressions of frustration which can only have had a negative effect on Mr. Obama's political fates.

I have noted elsewhere that greatness is an attribute which can be ascribed to Mr. Obama with some justification. I have not phrased it that way, but that is what it amounts to. We all have our own paths to tread and certainly Mr. Obama will win or lose another term on the merits of his own case as administered. A second term would be far more effective for racial harmony than otherwise. But the nation has other issues besides racial harmony and it may be felt by those who make the decision that economies and time constraints tend to dictate that another term weighs slighter than other considerations. This view can be seen as a blotch on the man, but if he is truely great we must remember that such men are rare and his service to the nation will need to be in a place of importance. No challenger came forward with a greater portent in the last election. If one does in the next it will be up to Mr. Obama to meet the challenge and find an even deeper reserve than any he previously has found. Such is the call upon great men, without exception.

This analysis relates to the election, but the present as always is momentous. I will seek solutions to these problems as always.

WiFi up at Bryn Mawr Care.

Free WiFi at my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care, has returned to service.

Now we will see how long it goes before shutting down again. If it lasts at least six months with no more than less than 24 hour downtimes I will issue an endorsement for the nursing home, as I have posted previously.

truth and emotion in writing

Perching on the appearance of text that goes to the matter of any social service, commercial or charitable, a response of welling up of emotions cannot leave room for or otherwise cohabit with the specialized faculties of editing, which I know takes some work to get to a stage of development where deeper scales of effectiveness arise and invoke again the editing function, and this emotional response makes that impossible.

Effective prose differs from that which rouses emotions. The strength of a passage to point out truth is able to work well on any large audience, while one that rouses emotions takes many paths with no effect on understanding. Whether these many paths result in a net improvement in welfare is always hard to say.

WiFi at Bryn Mawr Care down now for three months.

Bryn Mawr Care, the nursing home where I live, has installed free WiFi. However, its histroy has been mostly one of downtime, the current run of downtime being something like three or four months running.

The nursing home administrator says the people handling it say the problem is the router and that a new one will be much better than the old, including less downtime.

I am now spending out the window, in my small scale, to get WiFi access at a cafe.

If I find out who is responsible there will be hell to pay.

My awkwardness

I realized today that I have a fundamental condition that causes physical awkwardness. This is why I never excelled at sports. It is also why I have always had a problem finding a girlfriend. And finally, it is why I have never found a professional calling.

This awkwardness lends me to rely on a physical framework to steady myself. This is why I took to solo bicycling.

Crystal and my character set.

I have shared with Crystal Newell eight of the sixteen characters in my set. Wednesday I showed her a sheet with them written on it and asked her to copy each one below it. She did so. Then I told her that there are eight more characters that I will give to her if we are married. She responded, "all right." This was a response along the line of her last two responses to my talk of marriage, which she greeted with wild laughter, the first, and mild laughter, the second. She's getting used to the idea.

Chicago sports championships

Having been content with my conduct during the course of the season when the Chicago White Sox won the world series, I expected that what I did at the time of the subsequent Super Bowl in which the Chicago Bears played would determine the winner.

Naturally, I wanted the Bears to win.

However, on January 23 of that year, before the Super Bowl, I was engaged in courting a ten year old girl at the Edgewater Branch of the Chicago Public Library, and this changed everything. At the time of the Super Bowl, I was still maintaining a belief in the possibility the girl would return to the library. If she did, I would try to make contact pursuant to her introducing me to her parents so I could plead my case for courtship to last until her entrance to adulthood.

I was walking on Clark Street at the time and it occurred to me that I was in no state to urge on the Bears to victory, being tied up in a relationship that, although it begged the greatest skepticism from any reasonable critic, certainly, given my own belief in it, required all I had to give, making support for the Bears, to the extent that would bring victory, impossible.

I realized somewhat after the talk got going about the Chicago Blackhawks' chances for winning the Stanley cup in 2010, that with my courtship of Crystal Newell having reached a certain realisticness I had every reason to engage myself in doing my part on behalf of the Blackhawks. I made this realization between games two and three of the finals.

I discovered in listening to the third game on my radio in my bedroom that radio was more exciting for hockey than television. The fact that I didn't know the names of the players made it impossible to gather the significance of the words of the broadcasters. The only way I had to tell whether the action was in favor of the Blackhawks or the Flyers was the tone of voice of the broadcasters, in particular the play by play announcer. This included the fact that any goal scored was known to me as Blackhawk or Flyer solely by the tone of voice of the announcer. Events prior to a goal were a confusing amalgam of evidence. In no way did this detract from the excitement I experienced listening to the games. In fact, it made them the most exciting games I had witnessed in professional sports, ever.

I carried my part throughout in keeping with the supposition that my actions were subject to conditions that were real time interelated with actions on the ice. This was not cause and effect. It was discovery of equal opportunity for delving into the possibilities present. Whatever place cause and effect had in such a situation depended solely on factors so arcane that it would be pointless to assume that I could reason my way into a Blackhawks win just by wanting one. Only by doing everything I could to follow the game with increasing understanding because of the power of logic--the same logic by which I had entered into the original relationship with the ten year old girl at the library--was there some possibility that I could bring about a victory in keeping with the Blackhawks being the rightful owners of the title.

So congratulations, Chicago Blackhawks! In my world, we both did it, and I surely will never minimalize your victory. As with Barack Obama, I would never minimalize his greatness or success in the election, but it would be hard to argue, from my point of view, against the suggestion that his greatness would never have emerged into the presidency without my affirmation just prior to my appointment as first of the Chicago Mafia that I wanted, as a prospective member of the Mafia, to harmonize black-white relations.

The fact that my father had played semi-pro hockey made this Blackhawk victory especially sweet, and something of a memorial to his memory, him having died in 1999, a companion memorial to the victory of Barack Obama as a memorial to my mother, a champion of racial equality and advocate, at least in word, of racial intermarriage.

The fact that I never told my father of my appointment as first in the Mafia in 1993, which he would have found thrilling if he had been able to believe it, perhaps makes my inability to tell my mother of it, since she died in 1986, something of an equal tragedy.

Crystal Newell knocks more sweetly than opportunity

I have seen a significant development last week in my courtship of Crystal Newell.

She knocked on my door, and when I opened it she asked if we could do something together, anything at all was the general idea.

I have my conjectures about what brought her do say this, and will keep them private.

I will be making the most of this new development as time progresses.

Crystal is one surprising and excellent lady.

Call for the killing or capturing of Osama bin Laden

I have made public statements subscribing to the view that Osama bin Laden is a saint, or other positive impressions.

I am now revoking those statements and issuing a call for bin Laden's killing or capturing. I will, in the event either occurs, publish here the names of those persons, military or otherwise, who achieve it, to the extent those names become available, and with some editing judgments in the case the matter of who did it is complicated.

Sainthood is in my view a national issue moreso than a religious one, and those sentiments of mine which led me to observe saintly traits in bin Laden now seem excessively inclusivist, especially as my support for the American people is becoming more firm and definable, definition leaving room for much criticism and alienation, but firmness reflective of recent improvements to my financial stability and romantic consolidation within the context of my courtship of Miss Crystal Newell, a fellow resident at my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care, in Chicago, IL.

my budget for the working man now available on scribd.com

I have just uploaded to scribd.com my design for a working man's budget, on sale there for $2.50. Here is the url.

my autobiography, 100 pages so far, is uploaded to scribd.com

I have uploaded the first 100 pages of my autobiography to scribd.com. It divides my life of about 60 years into 100 segments, down to the second. Commentaries are added describing the events that occurred in each segment. The work is in progress and I will update it as a new revision every multiple of 100 pages. The completed work is very likely to be over 1000 pages, and material exists for a work well over that, something obscene, like 50,000 pages.

Here is the link.

Bryn Mawr Care's treatment of Crystal Newell will improve or I will not endorse them.

If my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care, wants to culture my approval, it will improve its consideration of my girlfriend, Crystal Newell. The clinical director has said to me when I indicated I was pursuing a romantic relationship with her that, "with Crystal, I'm afraid what you see is what you get." High level staff have described her as a "runner" because she doesn't adjust her pace on the public sidewalk to those in her party. I have met her half-way with a brisk walk of my own and she markedly provided her half of the deal, so now we usually keep a pace we both like, though it can be a bit of a strain for me. I consider it nothing more nor less than good exercise to walk with Crystal. I see no validity in prescription of one person's pace over another's. To put her on restriction, as they have done repeatedly, for exercising her right to keep her own pace is ignorant and totally without judicial merit, in my view. Let us hope the current pause in such restrictions is permanent.

But other things are also bothering me about the way they treat her. This statement by the clinical director, Pat Blumen, is not what I would expect from someone who has responsibility for a large group of people of widely varying characteristics, such as we have at Bryn Mawr Care. I said to her that I chose to exercise patience in assessing Crystal's character. Miss Blumen, said that was my right, and clearly thought I was a fool.

Bryn Mawr Care needs to do better before I issue any endorsement of it, and I withdraw the unofficial endorsement I previously gave it for installing free WiFi, which has been anything but constant in service, thus my refusal to make the endorsement official at this time. Crystal's handling will improve before I utter any more endorsements.

Chicago Tribune article concerning mental illness developments in Illinois

Here is a Chicago Tribune article about a recent development in Illinois's provisions for the mentally ill. Apparently the Tribune did an investigation and found significant poor conditions in nursing homes for the mentally ill, and this development came about as a result. My nursing home has not been closed in these actions.

Unofficial endorsement of Bryn Mawr Care to remain unofficial

Due to the failure of my nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care, to maintain WiFi service 24/7, and not at all for more than a week now, the unofficial endorsement i issued of Bryn Mawr Care will remain unofficial until there has been a period of six months service with no interruptions of more than 24 hours.

Endorsement of the Pentel Rock n'Write pencil eraser

I endorse a product made by Pentel. It is the Rock n'Write pencil eraser.

This eraser is the shape of a writing tool, so it has the sense of a writing tool and compliments your writing functionality as a pad eraser does not, and this allows a more accurate erasing of the pencil mark, which meticulous draftsmanship will find a real advantage. It takes an eraser refill for the plastic barrel. As you use up the eraser you move a clip down a notch.

This is an excellent product that has changed my approach to writing and I heartily endorse it to all writers.

Religion.

Religion was accepted by me as an accompaniment in early childhood. I was not aware of its designs on my life but they were covertly all encompassing. Now that I see the place of religion in history I reject it completely. The cost of religious faith is a vacuum of civil invention.

leap seconds?

I have a problem with the practice of adding a leap second to the day because of the slowing of the earth's spin. The second is not just added to the day, it is also added to the year. But the year is not getting longer; only the day is. Can someone explain to me why my simple analysis is wrong?

In my thinking, the formula for leap days, normally every four years but excepted to at certain intevals and double excepted to on occasion, needs to be periodically revised to correct for the changing ratio of days to years.

Islam is retardative to progress.

All religion is retardative to progress. This includes Islam. Science has replaced religion as beacon for the future.

Unofficial endorsement of Timex watch.

Unofficially, I have found my Timex watch, Expedition brand, to be a valuable and enduring tool across the board in a range of applications.

I was initially drawn to its wristband, which is neither plastic nor metal, but some kind of textile. This yielding material has proven to be resistant to all the strains to which I subject the watch, and I am a fairly demanding user. I had found plastic and metal bands to be too easily broken.

One feature I am waiting for clarification of is the leap year registration. The watch does not input the current year when you set the time. How does it know how many days to allot to February? Each year I will have to check to see what the watch does at midnight at the end of February 28. That will be tonight this year.

Once this puzzle is settled I will allow my endorsement to become official, provided the watch proves able to negotiate leap years correctly.

The tassle.

When students go through the ceremony of graduation from high school or college they traditionally wear a gown, and a cap with a tassel. I knew this tradition before I graduated from high school. However, it wasn't until about the time I graduated from college, from Yale--the first time I graduated from college, that I ever heard of the tradition that upon the very act of receiving your diploma, from an official of the school as you walk across whatever platform they have arranged for all the graduates to be seen one at a time getting their diplomas in front of the assembled public and guests, you are supposed to grasp the tassel and move it from one side of your cap's mortarboard, to the opposite side, and you are supposed to have had it on a particular side beforehand, I'm not sure whether it's the left or right, in the front of the cap.

In thinking about the part of the tradition of moving the tassel as one crosses the stage right at the moment of getting one's diploma, it has occurred to me only very recently that there is a connection between this tradition and what I have heard to be a fetish about the object called a tassel. A fetish, it is my understanding, is something that inexplicably arouses someone. If it arouses you explicably, namely, it is a member of the opposite sex (I don't think homosexuality is a legitimate explanation for arousal) then it's not a fetish. And it was my understanding that any specific fetish arouses only a subset of the population. Curly, of the Three Stooges, had a tassel fetish. I always thought this inexplicable because I had never experienced arousal at anything resembling a tassel.

But I realized recently, as I said, because of an event following my graduation from high school--Glenbard West in Glen Ellyn, Illinois--that tassels are very powerful agents of arousal for everyone who hasn't felt the arousal from them yet. The tradition of moving the tassel from one side of the mortarboard to the other assures that upon the arrival of certainty that a person will have his diploma he will confront a sexual fetish through physical contact with the skin of his fingers, a confrontation which he by virtue of his graduation, and all that it represents, will be equipped to experience, and the sooner the better before other things distract him from whatever lesson is carried in this little act. Plus, it is a public statement that he has been in contact with a fetish, something that he must face to become a trusted, freely moving member of the public.

I wouldn't have given such an analysis credence at the time I learned of the tradition of the tassel, but I am forced to conclude it is accurate in light of what happened to me on the day I received my high school diploma, afterward at a party thrown by a friend. I was sitting with a girl who I knew had a crush on me because she had told me so, and we were idly chatting and glowing in having graduated from high school.

I happened to have my tassel in my hand--we were absent our robes, which were all rented, but we were allowed to keep the tassels--and quite unconsciously she started to toy with it as well, and we sat there for some time talking. For some inexplicable reason I became unable to resist starting to pet with her. We kissed and it was clear that we were then a couple for all to see. I had never been sexually attracted to her. However, we began to date regularly and during Christmas break of the next school year, which we both had spent at different colleges, we consummated our relationship by coitus interruptus.

It is entirely beyond reason that I would start to date a girl I wasn't attracted to at a time immediately antecedent to my entrance into life as a college student, where I was certain to be surrounded socially by many more girls of my own intellectual calibre than was the case in high school, even despite the fact that since Yale was coeducating for the very first time in my freshman year there it would only be admitting 250 freshman girls into a 1250-member freshman class, and 50 girls into the sophomore and junior years, each.

But if it was the fact that the tassel had the effect of bridging the gap between myself and this girl, because all it takes so to bridge a couple is sexual opposition and an enabler, or fetish, then the whole matter of this girl in my life as she came to be is not inexplicable, but is quite explicable, and serves to explain as well why there is this tradition of moving the tassel from one side of the mortarboard to the other as one receives his diploma walking across the stage at the graduation ceremony. I certainly have seen my life thrown into disarray by the effect of the tassel. Yet the ultimate result is good, because I have learned a great deal about sexuality, without getting married to do it.

After coitus with this girl I soon woke up to the fact that my options for partners were vastly superior in college, and I broke up with her over the phone after we were back at school. This ending served to prove the awareness benefits of coitus.

I don't mean to offend the girl here. She was a good intellectual comrade, and I never told her I wasn't attracted to her. But in fact, I was unable to get aroused by her when we were naked together so I imagined myself enacting what was the only way I knew would bring me to climax, which was another fetish--cross-dressing. This way I appeared to be her partner and she apparently was satisfied with me. The toward effect of the relationship was that I maintained a legitimate heterosexual partnership in public for a duration of about a year. This was a very different toward effect than that of feeling aroused by girls I really was attracted to. The issue for me was not so much who was my intellectual peer, something I regularly was able to learn about, but who was my erotic peer, and what magic would be able, ultimately, to bridge the gap between me and such a girl. The girl I did date proved I could bridge the gap and maintain it naturally for some time. But it was a weak eros. During college, both times, I learned much more than this about not only making a connection, but doing so with an erotic peer.

Crystal is an erotic peer of mine. Her morality is superior. This outweighs the deficit of her having no high school diploma. If she accepts me as her partner in marriage I can be sure our offspring will benefit from this as they cannot from me. Even I can benefit from her example, and I believe I am already doing so.

That, however, is a separate issue.

This issue is the reason resident in the tradition of moving the tassel from one side of the cap to the other on the graduation stage, when one grasps for the first time a token of public passage, his diploma.

The decision of the department of astronomy at Yale to admit me to their Ph.D. program starting in 1980 was a validation of my decision-making in something of a general way.

As such, it forces critics to look at outside reasons for my mental collapse in 1974. I was disregarded then by Ralph Montgomery and Bob Turner, who both held the position of Associate in the firm The Architects Collaborative where I was working as an apprentice, as a serious candidate for promotion as a seeker of the position of architect. Whether it was because I engaged in banter as a peer in the office, and in so doing left myself open to private judgments which may have been uncomplimentary because of the feeling of architects that as an apprentice I ought to not radiate my humanity so much because to them it was looked upon as superiority because they were not able to do it themselves to such a degree, that speculation is certainly relevant to any assessment of the events then as being either explanatory, or not, of the collapse. When the course of my employment had gone so far as to cement in everyone's eyes just what kind of an architect I looked to becoming, it was then time to watch what was made of it, and it so happens that just about nothing was made of it. In particular, no private gestures were made. Professions work by such gestures. Without them nothing evolves. And receiving none myself, it became tacitly obvious to me I was not going anywhere in that firm on the merits of my personal radiance. However, it was my feeling then, as it is now, that my humanity was uncommonly good and occupied a higher class of considerations than mere craft. Seeing no private gestures, I could come to only one conclusion--the firm that I had attributed good judgment to, as among the best in the profession from my vantage point, was unresponsive to my better nature, something I had come to appreciate as readily getting a positive response from friends at Yale as an undergraduate, people who had no need to see it as acting superior because they had no deficits themselves in terms of human radiance, each in his own way.

Because the firm did not warm to me professionally, and it was apparent that its judgment was equivalent to that of the whole profession, my entire dedication to the profession was dealt a serious blow. I could not sustain the exploration of all avenues of personal development as an architect. But it was a logical negative factor, being an across the board effect of equal volume everywhere, devaluing all my accumulated efforts, rather than a sharp effect on any single stand I had taken. No alternative reaction to what I actually did do was possible, and any fishing for such alternatives must begin with a rejection of one or other of my most innate qualities and long-established patterns of behavior.

Now you could say, "well, he didn't get promoted and became depressed." But this leaves out the fact that I was deeply involved in office life, and had a stake in everyone's own lives. I didn't know how important it was to look for private gestures. I thought my public stance would naturally lead me up the ladder of public promotion. It was my youth and lack of appreciation for minute interactions because I had never had a fulfilling romance, one that would slow me down and speed me up where those had natural rewards, respectively. All my romantic efforts to that date had been wild guesses, because my family life trailed behind my personal life, for better or worse, and this left me in a major struggle to find satisfaction in love. So when I felt great, I radiated it. At Yale, it was apparent where I was coming from because they had some idea of the kind of problems faced by people who outdistance their families. In architecture, it's more of a public world, and there are rough seas. People rely on private gestures because the public ones are so dangerous. I lived dangerous that way, living as a public person, because I sensed somehow I had a problem of rarity, one that only a rare confidante could comment to in any way, and in the mean time, life beckoned so I had to put my business out in public and play those risks as the only way to present myself fully. Well, bam, it went awry and I became mentally ill. But eventually I did meet the rare confidante. And pursuing that meeting, I was admitted to Yale's Ph.D. program in astronomy, a proof of good decision-making. But as a way to meet the rare confidante it was still dubious. I chose to go off medication, in order to confront the problems of love over developing the tools of craft. I travel this world not as a functional intelligence, but as a lack of a lover, until I find one. Hopefully Crystal Newell is the one. Yale's acceptance proved I had the makings of craft. In my position, really known only by me, this was a signal to look for love in a certain way, different from how I had looked before then. It was something I had needed ever since grade school, and all the romantic deprivation I had suffered then and afterwards was put into perspective by that acceptance, and assured me in a specific way that what I felt intuitively about my worth for love had actual proofs in the real world. It was time for a general release of conformity with expectations. It was time for walking into the world at large, perhaps no different a time than birth. It was time to risk, and ultimately to embrace, homelessness.

And in that decision to go off medication, there was enough sense and wisdom to lead me ultimately to be tapped by the Chicago elite society as a first. Same person, making the same decisions, to the same end. Part of recovering from mental illness is satisfying everyone that the decisions you made going into it were good ones. I have tried here to do that. Judge for yourself.

Valentine's Day with Crystal

For Valentine's Day I took Crystal across the street to Zanzibar's for ice cream. I'm going to post about them on Yelp, forthwith. Here is the link.

fully endowed courtship capacity

The inception of a fully endowed courtship capacity in me, at the age of 59, is completely unanticipated.

On the emergence of a better logistic for a species

Homosexuality is in my view a consequence of humanity's use of tools. Tools are a disengage. They produce bother upon bother. It is within this miasma, brought about originally because tools were seen as a boon without downside, that the confusion of homosexuality, and other confusions like it, came about.

Tools evolve a society of inequalities, injustices, and secrets, because of the elaborate involvement with keeping tools maintained in contrast to keeping the species up to date in the moment with all its powers applied to the biosphere directly. It is a society of eddies, where individuals fare vastly different fates for relatively insignificant reasons, and the elements that comprise the real species identity are never known. Scholars toy with all these most important of issues in familiar terms, content with fashion, tradition, and consensus, in the face of these inequalities that produce suffering, continuously at every moment.

We are living out the inertia of an earlier protean act by our species originator, accepting inequality as normal. An intelligent species origin will set its course in terms of elements of interaction, or logistics of sheer science and rigorous quantitative relationships between individuals descending from that origin and the natural universe they encounter.

First the tools must be circumscribed with a deeper logistical base, so that they lose their advantage to sheer science. A toolless science will better command tools than the science that breeds them. This will not have to be a matter of victories in every contest. Strategy will determine which victories to seek.

A population recipient to these ideas will produce a mating pool more ready to move in this direction. In mating itself, and in the creation of domestic structure, the rigorous quantitative relationships will take form. Management is a concept steeped in tools. A better logistic will triumph over it, in finance, commerce, and health, and lead to clearer military success, whether or not that means winning wars and subjugating peoples, which are of dubious value anyway. A more rigorous logistic will let people not ready to apply it reach their own inherent potential, strife being more a risk of delay and distraction than a field of competition and survival. The rigorous logistic will begin from a standpoint of balance, and move into areas of reduced uncertainty in larger contexts while allowing uncertainty to emerge in smaller ones.

This is a concept essentially sensible, having to do with the senses as the initial and final site of intelligence.

Two of my drawings put up for auction on ebay.

I have put two of my colored pencil drawings up for auction on ebay. They are pictured above, and links to their ebay listings are here: top image. bottom image.

Romance with Crystal is heating up.

Tonight when I was seated in the second floor dayroom of my nursing home Crystal came in looking for something and briefly spoke to someone before leaving the room.

I was overwhelmed by her bearing and radiance.

Two days ago I realized that my accumulated idea of what it takes to win a girl is with Crystal absolutely inadequate. Her morality, combined with her bearing, which I had seen once before at the heroic level, are an order higher than anyone I have had a chance to pursue before.

While I had seen her heroic bearing before, this was the first time I have ever seen her so radiant.

This romance is heating up.

toolless adaptation

My view is that intelligence is for toolless adaptation.

Cold turkey is not sensible. This is a many-ordered concept here.

The claim is that there is a threshold at which intelligence escapes tools by discipline.

endorsement of SIR Management

The nursing home where I live has put in free WiFi. Therefore I am issuing an endorsement of the nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care.

Free WiFi here is consistent with other frequent improvements instituted by the nursing home, but because it more significantly impacts my chances of becoming financially independent (through my business of English Transformation Art conducted online) and leaving Bryn Mawr Care to live on my own, I feel confident that an endorsement is an accurate statement about my relationship with this facility.

It's Crystal forever.

I just returned to my room now having told Crystal I will go out with her forever, no matter what. She said ok and really was clear about it in saying that. But then I added a repeat of my opening statement to her that I was sorry I had said I would never date her again and she didn't say anything, which made me think I should have been happy with her ok and just left, instead of belaboring it. I'm so torn over these momentary conversations, I guess because I would rather spend all my time with her. It certainly goes a lot better when we spend the day together.

I think my problem is that I don't hear some important sounds in my own body. I don't know what they are, but I need to find out. They would help me to respond in the immediate present to Crystal instead of having to rely so heavily on a prepared statement, which I always do when I go to her room. I don't write them down. I just prepare them mentally.

furthermore, about Crystal

What will now happen, in dating Crystal forever, is that I will not expect a kiss on the lips from her, before marriage, certainly, but after marriage too, though I may try it, but then I will still need her exactly because she holds herself from me. I am beginning to see a new sort of passion in this.

My father's mother told me that she wouldn't let my father's father touch her for five days following the marriage.c

New logic with Crystal.

It is certain that a girl of quality who happens to have been raised to delay all sexual stimulation until marriage will be in a position to give her suitor all the time in the world to realize two things: 1) once he makes the plunge to court her, and she keeps him from knowing whether she favors him, he will eventually reach a point where he has by his adherence to strict logic left himself no other alternative than to persist in pursuing her, no matter how long it lasts, because he has created a unique place for the girl that cannot be retooled for another one, not just because of her unique nature, but because of the unique logic of courtship in a state of true love, and 2) it is precisely this waiting for marriage before sexual stimulation, the primary measure of suitability a man of the world learns before finding true love, that establishes her word as ruler over his world, and her body as the only thing worth living for. The contract of two caring people, will always begin in that they shall not hurt each other, and therefore will not allow such a commitment as marriage in its most perfect sense to become possible unless this commitment has a definite, though not specified, place somewhere in the girl's heart and mind.

I am struggling with this. To rely on Crystal's care as a more perfect protector than an exchange of sexual permissions is not what I was taught as a child. It is, however, what I have discovered to be true, ever since I began to court a 10-year-old girl I saw and flirted with at a branch of the Chicago Public Library on Tuesday, January 23, 2007.

I was willing to wait until she reached the age of 18 to marry her. I didn't know anything about waiting for marriage for the first kiss, but that is what it seems to have brought about. I returned to the library every day at that same time for the next six days, didn't sleep during that time but for maybe five minutes, and worked continuously on plans and strategies, both for earning a living against all odds, and for gaining her family's approval, against even greater odds. I had the dvd of the nine videos in the sidebar of this blog by then and I hoped to be able to get the mother to view it.

When I told an aide at my nursing home a week later that I had a ten year old girlfriend--already a stretch because she didn't return to the library when I was there the other days--he reported it to his supervisor as an online affair. What did he have against me? They fired him when they found out it was an in-person affair. However, they found that out because they called me in to a tense meeting of all department heads to confront me with the thing and I had a real battle on my hands. Somehow I proved to them I don't have a thing for little girls and instead have no inhibitions about age, arguing that some ten year olds are ready for pairing. I might have cited Rene and Celine Deon, but I didn't think of it. I also got them to say they wouldn't bar me from returning to the library to look for her and continue our courtship/flirtation.

My strategies for courtship were entirely based on logic deductible from her and my behavior in the library. We spoke not a word. Glances were given. We spent time at the same table and she did some walking around. I developed the logic in the succeeding days and it continues to guide me with Crystal.

So it will not be surprising if now my game plan discussion about Crystal comes under greater scrutiny.

In the mean time, I'm going to tell her I will keep dating her forever and when the marriage proposal occurs is not an essential problem. I won't be looking for sexual signs. I will be happy because she goes out with me and doesn't appear to be favoring anyone else nearly as much. I will be able to tell everyone I know that I will be dating her forever.