Romance with Crystal is heating up.

Tonight when I was seated in the second floor dayroom of my nursing home Crystal came in looking for something and briefly spoke to someone before leaving the room.

I was overwhelmed by her bearing and radiance.

Two days ago I realized that my accumulated idea of what it takes to win a girl is with Crystal absolutely inadequate. Her morality, combined with her bearing, which I had seen once before at the heroic level, are an order higher than anyone I have had a chance to pursue before.

While I had seen her heroic bearing before, this was the first time I have ever seen her so radiant.

This romance is heating up.

toolless adaptation

My view is that intelligence is for toolless adaptation.

Cold turkey is not sensible. This is a many-ordered concept here.

The claim is that there is a threshold at which intelligence escapes tools by discipline.

endorsement of SIR Management

The nursing home where I live has put in free WiFi. Therefore I am issuing an endorsement of the nursing home, Bryn Mawr Care.

Free WiFi here is consistent with other frequent improvements instituted by the nursing home, but because it more significantly impacts my chances of becoming financially independent (through my business of English Transformation Art conducted online) and leaving Bryn Mawr Care to live on my own, I feel confident that an endorsement is an accurate statement about my relationship with this facility.

It's Crystal forever.

I just returned to my room now having told Crystal I will go out with her forever, no matter what. She said ok and really was clear about it in saying that. But then I added a repeat of my opening statement to her that I was sorry I had said I would never date her again and she didn't say anything, which made me think I should have been happy with her ok and just left, instead of belaboring it. I'm so torn over these momentary conversations, I guess because I would rather spend all my time with her. It certainly goes a lot better when we spend the day together.

I think my problem is that I don't hear some important sounds in my own body. I don't know what they are, but I need to find out. They would help me to respond in the immediate present to Crystal instead of having to rely so heavily on a prepared statement, which I always do when I go to her room. I don't write them down. I just prepare them mentally.

furthermore, about Crystal

What will now happen, in dating Crystal forever, is that I will not expect a kiss on the lips from her, before marriage, certainly, but after marriage too, though I may try it, but then I will still need her exactly because she holds herself from me. I am beginning to see a new sort of passion in this.

My father's mother told me that she wouldn't let my father's father touch her for five days following the marriage.c

New logic with Crystal.

It is certain that a girl of quality who happens to have been raised to delay all sexual stimulation until marriage will be in a position to give her suitor all the time in the world to realize two things: 1) once he makes the plunge to court her, and she keeps him from knowing whether she favors him, he will eventually reach a point where he has by his adherence to strict logic left himself no other alternative than to persist in pursuing her, no matter how long it lasts, because he has created a unique place for the girl that cannot be retooled for another one, not just because of her unique nature, but because of the unique logic of courtship in a state of true love, and 2) it is precisely this waiting for marriage before sexual stimulation, the primary measure of suitability a man of the world learns before finding true love, that establishes her word as ruler over his world, and her body as the only thing worth living for. The contract of two caring people, will always begin in that they shall not hurt each other, and therefore will not allow such a commitment as marriage in its most perfect sense to become possible unless this commitment has a definite, though not specified, place somewhere in the girl's heart and mind.

I am struggling with this. To rely on Crystal's care as a more perfect protector than an exchange of sexual permissions is not what I was taught as a child. It is, however, what I have discovered to be true, ever since I began to court a 10-year-old girl I saw and flirted with at a branch of the Chicago Public Library on Tuesday, January 23, 2007.

I was willing to wait until she reached the age of 18 to marry her. I didn't know anything about waiting for marriage for the first kiss, but that is what it seems to have brought about. I returned to the library every day at that same time for the next six days, didn't sleep during that time but for maybe five minutes, and worked continuously on plans and strategies, both for earning a living against all odds, and for gaining her family's approval, against even greater odds. I had the dvd of the nine videos in the sidebar of this blog by then and I hoped to be able to get the mother to view it.

When I told an aide at my nursing home a week later that I had a ten year old girlfriend--already a stretch because she didn't return to the library when I was there the other days--he reported it to his supervisor as an online affair. What did he have against me? They fired him when they found out it was an in-person affair. However, they found that out because they called me in to a tense meeting of all department heads to confront me with the thing and I had a real battle on my hands. Somehow I proved to them I don't have a thing for little girls and instead have no inhibitions about age, arguing that some ten year olds are ready for pairing. I might have cited Rene and Celine Deon, but I didn't think of it. I also got them to say they wouldn't bar me from returning to the library to look for her and continue our courtship/flirtation.

My strategies for courtship were entirely based on logic deductible from her and my behavior in the library. We spoke not a word. Glances were given. We spent time at the same table and she did some walking around. I developed the logic in the succeeding days and it continues to guide me with Crystal.

So it will not be surprising if now my game plan discussion about Crystal comes under greater scrutiny.

In the mean time, I'm going to tell her I will keep dating her forever and when the marriage proposal occurs is not an essential problem. I won't be looking for sexual signs. I will be happy because she goes out with me and doesn't appear to be favoring anyone else nearly as much. I will be able to tell everyone I know that I will be dating her forever.

Back to zero with Crystal.

Having given Crystal time to think about what she would do if and when I were to attempt to kiss her on the lips, I was confident that if I did try it, in a suitable setting, I would get reliable information.

So I tried it a couple days after our talk.

Her response: she turned her face away from me. No kiss on the lips, just a peck on the cheek.

I said nothing and repaired to my bedroom to assess my feelings and this new information. Well, it was clear that she has no intention of ever being romantic with me. It's been a year now that we have been going out fairly regularly and she's had an opportunity to see enough of me that if there were some intention to get romantic, it ought to show itself in a kiss. A kiss is not a big deal. This one was especially well managed, the advance notice given, and a few days passed for her to soak in the message I sent her. I was gentle. I was intentional and certain I had positioned myself to be kissed back if there were any return feelings to the extent of "let's be clear to one another that we have all the equipment and it works" and the only reasons that would tend in the other direction must be either discriminative--she want's someone prettier or cockier--or else she doesn't want to turn her equipment on for some reason, be that some archaic notion of chastity or something more deep and dark. I suspected something deep and dark when we went to the Art Institute and one of the only three works she hesitated over was a very lewd and vulgar female portrait, one of those you wonder what it's doing in an art museum, but then that's art. We walked by a lot of art. Nothing, not one comment or pause, except for these three, but still no comment. We raced through the place. I interpreted her response to the lewd picture as a hint that she had some erotic phantasies about lingerie. I certainly have them. And this work was sufficiently lewd that I think anyone would feel it strongly. But it was not a masterful work. It was crude and accentuated the lewd angle. It was unrealistically proportioned. It played on the guts, not the mind. Somewhere in between lay the heart. Crystal's definitely beat faster over it. Mine a little bit too. So because of this incident I tend to believe her equipment really is in good order, but apparently not in any expressible way.

Well, I'm not on comfortable speaking terms with her. I have no idea what I would need to say to her about all this if I were going to attempt to reach her conversationally over what seems to be essentially a physical disconnect. Realizing this, I returned to her to tell her it was over again.

I appeared to her, said, "One measure of how much you like me is whether you are willing to kiss me on the lips. You wouldn't do it, right?"

She said, "right."

I said, "ok, I'm never going to take you out again."

She said, "ok."

I left the room.

This is much more graphic an exchange than the last time when I asked her if she was attracted to me, and I don't think she will have any trouble figuring out why I won't be asking her out any more, and so I can't see her coming to me again asking why. But then I could be mistaken. In any case, if she does, I will be plain about letting her know that if she wants to go out with me she has to let me kiss her on the lips. It might be taken as a crude position. How does a mechanical issue get into a matter of the heart? But I have taken it very much as a matter of the heart. I never built up a mechanical relationship with her, but a deeply emotional one, for me anyway. I have to look at it as it being necessary for me to protect myself. If she has emotional issues she needs to open up with them. I'm not going to psychoanalyze her, at least not in conversation with her. That's a different kind of relationship.

As for sharing intimate details in public like this, it hasn't got that far. We haven't discussed keeping things private because essentially we haven't shared anything private. So while it may be cheeky of me to discuss her deep, dark, side, none of it is a matter of actual intimacy. It's all speculation.

I have to hope that whoever she ends up choosing as a mate, she will be satisfied. I wish it were me, but it's really kind of a logical bind. If she were to love me, then she must know well who I am, and that takes someone special. If she doesn't love me, then she must not know me well, and that must not be a very special person. It's the bind I've been in ever since I decided to first ask her out. At this point, it's simply too extreme a form of patience to continue courting her after she refused to kiss me on the lips. The logical bind ends with that interaction, and with that decision. The only way for her to restore it this time is to leap. I don't think she has that kind of courage in her, or that kind of inspiration. Nice girl, though. As I said, I hope she finds the right person.

back with Crystal

Yesterday was my birthday and I had the most tremendous birthday gift: Crystal came to me and asked why we haven't been going out. I noted that she had said she wasn't attracted to me and she said she didn't remember saying that. Who's to say what exactly was in her mind when she said it, but the long and short of it is that it doesn't matter. We're back together.

I realized that what I was looking for in originally asking her the question was some sign that she feels the same way I do about us. So I went to her room, sat down on her bed with her, and said, "I'm going to be kissing you on the lips from time to time."

She gave me a look that I've only gotten twice before when passion was flairing between me and a girl, so I gave her the male's look back. She then said we could go out as I had earlier suggested. I had been online and checked out the Museum of Science and Industry, which she had mentioned, and knew they have free days all next week, so I said we could go there. Then she said I could just drop by and pick her up whenever i wanted to go. That seemed to indicate she liked the progress we were making in our conversation at that point, including my intentions to be kissing her on the lips.

So that was quite a birthday gift.

my life, revealed

It is apparent that I was cut out to be a mechanical engineer. Very early in life I found mechanical objects the most fascinating things in the world, and was adept at figuring them out. I looked at everything with an engineer's eye. When they told me, at age five or so, my paternal grandfather was chief engineer at MacNeil Memorial Hospital in Berwyn, IL, I thought he was a graduate of a college of engineering, or something like that. I was very impressed. Unfortunately, he was only the building superintendent. This misunderstanding may be the root of everything that went wrong in my life. They thought I wouldn't know the difference between an engineer and a super. They were wrong. They tried to pawn my grandfather off on me as an engineer. As time went on and I saw what he did for a living reflected in people's remarks, it was apparent he was only a super. But while this realistic impression was forming and I still thought he was an engineer, I apparently decided engineering was a worthy occupation and I devoted myself to learning about the world through that perspective. The family had no idea what was going on. They thought I was a budding scientist. They wouldn't have known the difference between a scientist's mind and an engineer's mind if you paid them to guess. It's obvious they were trying to cultivate my grandfather's social position. I really doubt that his formal title was chief engineer, though I don't know. If it was, then the hospital can be considered overly protective of its mechanical staff. An engineering society would probably look askance at formally calling a building superintendent an engineer. Engineers are schooled and get degrees in engineering--college degrees. Building superintendents work their way up through various trades learning about mechanical systems from an operational viewpoint. The two are very different and deserve different social statuses. My interest in engineering was the result of a fraud, one might say.

Considering how disastrous my life has turned out, and that over more than half of it, I would consider the fraud a greater call to attention than anything positive that I might have going presently.

The family's desire to build up its members in society's view was basically a fraud. All my young life, doing well in school, was highlighted by the family building it up into an unrealistic mark of distinction. There was no correspondence, point by point, between my achievements and family recognition. It was all smoke and mirrors, taking advantage of what good I did do to build up the family's notion of its own grandeur, without care or concern for the realities of the directions I was taking.

Why I went insane.

I believe I know why I became mentally ill.

In my freshman year at Yale I had an intuition about the direction my life would take. I saw myself working in some inner city on behalf of the poor, with my own means totally unprovided for. I carried this into my preparations for a career at Yale, and when I got a job afterwards in an architecture office I continued to pursue this concept, and found no place for it in the profession and went nuts trying to find a place for it.

Today I face this same fate: no means, because my preparation was for no means and it's too late to make other arrangements. I am unable to conceive of anything related to money, so I am unemployable, and my English Transformation Art is not looking like a good sell.

rule and order

It is apparent there is around me a vacuum of rule and order since the presence of government is dilute. I am invested with ultimate authority to establish rule and order but even within my own mind there is disorder and competing imperatives. I was chosen for strong will within the disorder, not for my personal orderliness. This can be established without need to prolong deliberations. The best order is vanity. Time is short.

Order must enable everyone to act in knowledge of what order ordains and it must be manifestly useful. Provided I can be relied on to endow offspring with the ability to endow their offspring with strength of will, the order I create can be based on me as a necessary factor. Endowing multiple generations is a matter of speaking restraint as a first principle.

Order must respect the limits of the people, but enable the better concept to advance in preference to a worse, a state of order which the limits of the people will in some cases oppose. The addition of order must put the people in their places according to the advancement of better concepts, beginning with the whole. This is an idea new to many people, and without its expression progress will be held up.

Any collective will have its own means to augment but it is the whole alone whose means are synonymous with good.

Wholes begin with me.

One whole is my financial family, of which Chase, VISA, and Mastercard are a part. There is a natural goodness about this whole like any other. There are collectives here too and these obey what I have said about collectives. In matters of my financial family, my well being determines its goodness, and as VISA took a gamble on me it showed favor to me proving it had favorably assessed my financial soundness, an act closer to this particular whole than others had taken.

Gallery preview video, interesting.

Here is a video preview of a gallery show. I like it as much for the enunciation of the narrator as for the look at this person's art.

A video of a very talented sculptor--fascinating!

I found a video of a sculptor at work on a clay portrait of a very interesting man. The insights into the minute movements of the artist at work, how the portrait unfolds under his very adroit fingers, is just fascinating, and would be of great use to any beginning sculptor, and maybe even to a graphic artist. Here is the video:

a movie trailer

Here is a trailer for a movie, The Fall. I enjoyed it a lot. I haven't seen the movie. It has some music at the end that I really love.

Here is a very interesting video about a photographer who works with a whole crew to construct his work.

next blog for quality art blogs

I am exploring the function of blogspot's "next blog" button. They recently made it a relevant to blog last viewed button. So if you have a topic you want to look through blogs in, you have to first somehow find a blog on that topic and then hit "next blog".

I wanted to see some art blogs, so I googled art blogspot. It got me to a chintsy art blog and next blog continued to give me chintsy blogs. So then I tried googling art blogspot museum, to get the quality up. This got me to the University of Wyoming's art museum, and from there next blog took me to this blog, http://microsketchbook.blogspot.com/ and I liked it quite a bit. Now I will try next blogging some more along that path.

An art video of some merit and note.

Here is an unusual and I think merit-worthy video of some very abstract forms which I liked.

blink (hc gilje 2009) from hc gilje on Vimeo.

Courtship of Crystal is over.

I have made the final severance with Crystal Newell and will no longer be courting her. I had asked her if she was attracted to me and she said no. For a while I was thinking I would give it some more time, but it is very apparent that this is not going to change. Dating her further would be entertaining impossible changes, and a waste of both time and consideration.

English Transformation Art group, a new Google group

I have now created a Google group for anyone to join and discuss English Transformation Art. Its name is English Transformation Art group, not to be confused with English Transformation Art purchasers' group. To visit this group, click here.

This group will be for anyone to join and post their questions about the art, whether before or after purchasing, and have them answered by anyone in the group. This way it will serve as a resource for anyone with questions that others have had and had discussed and hopefully answered already. It will be of great help to the artist, James Batek, by enabling questions to be answered by others in addition to himself, and thus a better overall service to the potential buyer of the art.

English Transformation Art purchasers' group, a new Google group

I have created a Google group for purchasers of English Transformation Art only, for them to discuss their experience with the art. The name of the group is English Transformation Art purchasers' group.

no Target job

Target contacted me by email to tell me they have no job for me.

Blogger Buzz: Coming up Next...

Blogger Buzz: Coming up Next...

job application at Targets

Yesterday, Nov. 21, I applied for a human resources job at Targets. If they google my name they probably will look at this blog, so I want to say, Welcome to my blog, Targets! You can get a good picture of what I'm like from the nine videos in the sidebar, telling the story of my life.

unit prophetic value

It is my understanding that all the world's major religions expect the appearance of a prophet to bring in a new epoch. Each of them has its own image of what such a person would be like. They all seem to expect some sort of super-power endowed person.

I am not super-power endowed.

I am tempered by homelessness.

Another thing religions seem to expect is that a prophet will serve mankind, perhaps with a sharp tongue, and expect nothing in return.

Ho Ho.

I expect quite a bit in return.

I have gone through every bit as much a trial as Moses did, and I am every bit as able to see mankind's ills and wrongs. I also observe mankind's better qualities, but he sees these himself and doesn't need me to point them out.

But this is putting it in Moses's terms. My place is not to feed off of Moses. It is my privilege to have been able to stow away the experience of seeing the same fire Moses did and not relate it to anyone. I have lived without benefit of seeing that fire, establishing a lifestyle and avoiding becoming dependent upon individuals or corporations, and becoming a fairly regular fellow. But this is in fact a deception, passively developed. My place is impelled by certainty that all the trials I have undergone amount to unit prophetic value. I don't need to be introduced by the words, "the man who suffered xyz." I can be introduced by the words, "the man who saw what Moses saw." Then people will not be surprised if I do surprising things. One of the most surprising things I can do in that case is doing nothing surprising.

I don't know, what do you think? Is that enough for today?

Yes, let's stop here.

prophet

In 1992 I saw on a building the fire that Moses saw on a bush thousands of years ago.

How am I to interpret this? There was no voice. There were no instructions.

To make the situation more difficult to interpret, I had three experiences leading up to seeing this fire in which my body was vacated by a low tone, stirring my bones and blasting through my eyes, leading me to assemble the terms os, for bones, and iris, for eyes, into the term "osiris". This makes a second Egyptian waysign.

I am not on a schedule. If I give myself a certain number of days to devote myself to a task, I can generally rely on having those days to so allot.

I have a home base--a psychiatric nursing home--paid for by social security disability and public aid. I have accounts at a bank. These are small. A detailed examination of my finances would be unwise to publish. I have two alma maters.

But my efforts at selling art have been dismal. There is no welcome for me being a success. A few old friends maybe, but nothing large. I remember a feeling of absolute uncaringness surrounding my labors at doing art in a Starbucks store. Not my uncaringness. Others' uncaringness.

I may have talent in art, but I am not perceived as such, and that is what makes success.

I am afraid it makes more sense for me to blaspheme mankind than to pretend to enjoy my situation. I am not in a profit-making place. I am able to consider myself a successor to Moses, so why not do so? If I am cut out for being a prophet, then nothing profitable will work out for me. I'm afraid it has been a waste of time to do art. I thought that the Chicago Mafia would back me up in it, but they haven't. I don't know why. It's time to try something else.

I have been poor enough that I know damn well that mankind is bound up in his profit-making and will not listen to prophetic statements. I don't believe that everything in the bible is true, and I don't assume that Moses was a success. His story might have been made up in some parts. I think he had a big effect, but I don't think I can rely on being his successor as a guarantee I will be a success at being a prophet. It is a difficult thing being a prophet. It is hard enough when God tells you what to do. It is harder still when he doesn't. You would think that me being mentally ill it would just naturally follow that I would hear God talking to me. But not so.

I could write in circles forever. I don't plan to do so.

I'm done for now. You don't participate in my discussion so why should I satisfy your hunger for meaty discourse.

Musings over my diction

I think my diction needs some attention here.

I have developed a style of writing from doing a lot of development of ideas at home where rigor was absolutely essential. This has created a great accuracy but it leaves no room for a wide variety of people to enter into the conversation.

Now conversation with a wide variety of people has its pitfalls. Most of the things one is impelled to say are of no interest whatsoever to others, and have to be put down so that better things to say can be sought. It may be different in a blog, where you speak to ideally large numbers of people and you are going to get a part of that group who finds what you say interesting. But interesting is one thing and conversational is another. I need the conversation. It's a better process.

With that in mind I'd like to just briefly say that I have never become a specialist. I like to go to the corner store for a candybar. Breathing is part of my joys in life. I have hopes of meeting a girl who can talk to me but also turns me on. I don't know how long I'll live but for now I have lots of ambition I can't describe as anything but hidden desire for success, things nobody knows about me, even myself.

I know there is a price I have paid for my suffering. My career never ignited. But this has enabled me to become better equipped with insight and discipline. I can maintain a line of thought into unknown territory. I can choose the right moment for percentage shots. My expectations of what life will be like in old age are more optimistic than they used to be.

I can't predict when I write what the response will be. I have reached out in a number of unusual directions here and none has been passed around much on the net. I did have one post that showed up at the very top of a search that produced 300,000 results. It was my post on Jesus's comment about the camel passing through the eye of a needle and the rich man. It takes more than that to make a Google page rank over 5. Mine is ranked 3. I get an average of 2 visits per day. That's not very much.

I have a few years before my income will cease to be expandable by means of this blog. In that time I will make the best of my talents and just see what happens.

Offer of a 10% cut to get the escrow made for my solution to ending war forever

I know this deal of mine, about asking for $7 billion to be put into escrow for me pending successful performance of my solution to war forever, is surely totally nuts, but there it is and you can take it or leave it. The stickler is getting attention for it. I have to admit there's not much I can say or write that will have much chance of attracting attention, so I will make the following proposition:

If someone who takes me seriously and has clout will conduct a campaign to get the escrow deposit made, I will, on success of getting it made, plus success of the measure and payment of the $7 billion to me, give that party which conducts the campaign for the escrow a 10% cut, or $700 million, of the take.

This of course puts that party in a position of risk. The operation could fail, and if successful the measure could fail. In either case there would be no $700 million payoff.

I think this goes just a little farther toward realization of the solution.

English transformation art, a personal iconography

I joined the site thepoetryforum.co.uk the other day and started a thread about my English Transformation Art.
In posting to this thread, I came across the idea that what the client chooses as a text to become art is really an icon in his world of word use, and so this is a genre of personal iconography, as well as art.

Chicago's elite ready to implement my solution to war without paying me for it

Having published the fact that I have a solution for war, succinctly put in my own writing and kept secure in my possession, which I am willing to share and submit to the test of results provided $7 billion is put into escrow so that I will be paid upon satisfactory performance of the solution, I believe that those who affirm my right to see disposal of my effects in the manner of my choosing will in the very least satisfy themselves that what they can make out of the solution shall not be found taking shape in reality without the payment I ask for being delivered into escrow for payment to me in the event the use of the solution proves successful.

I say this because I have seen preparations being made by the elite of Chicago society to put my solution into effect. They have special access to my personal effects because of the nature of their leadership of Chicago society, and in addition I have yielded upon one occasion to the need for conversation on this topic so that I could hear myself think in more realistic terms than solitude allows, thus giving evidence away to those who make it their business to know the substance of all conversations relevant to the city.

While the elite of Chicago make my life secure by arranging that superior forces do not impinge upon me in opposition without sufficient alert, a benefit of being chosen first in 1992, it is clear that my personal survival, including my potential mates and offspring, is not considered a priority, since my efforts at business have proven for the most part unsuccessful to date. Clearly, my independence is not considered potentially valuable to the elite, which causes me to speculate in general about where the points of difference lie between my values, which my independence would advance, and the values of the elite. At first I wondered if maybe my relative youth and lack of wisdom were the difference. But events have shown that my wisdom is second to none in Chicago. The only explanation is that people differ and values accord with that, with the result that the independence that comes from secure personal survival will displace others' independence. The issue returns to whether I can prevent my solution to war from being used, and dying without heirs will be tantamount to confiscation of my solution without payment. Eventually, the elite will make it possible to use it by discouraging memorialization of my life to any large degree. Those who lionize me, and they exist, are considered by the Chicago elite to be "overawed". I don't think that in light of having a solution to war which they take seriously, by all evidence, they can defend themselves successfully against any claim I might make that their motives are purely competitive, and that this is consistent with them calling my adherents overawed.

backlash from the pornography industry and my return offensive

There is evidence of a backlash to my post stating that pornography is not in my best interest. I accept the challenge. Let there be a blanket proscription of pornography from all media.

Return to courtship of Crystal Newell

I have been thinking over my decision to terminate my relationship with Crystal Newell after I asked her if she was attracted to me and she said no.

I believe I made a mistake in my decision.

It seems, after reflection, that attraction to you of the girl you are courting is irrelevant. If she goes out on dates with you, you are doing something right, and courship, it seems to me, is a matter of providing the logic, tending the field, and enabling the viscera to fall in place. I just haven't accomplished this last step. If I am assiduous and attentive to her, it should happen. It is a risk. Maybe she never will be attracted to me, and then she certainly wouldn't, and shouldn't, marry me. I think one has to be confident that physical attraction is natural and it is imperfections that prevent it from developing. The logic provides pathways for this to happen, and my own being in touch with my taste, which is clear in its affirmation of this girl's attractiveness, provides the impetus to pursue them, despite repeated frustrations and desperation.

Therefore I have decided to continue to court Crystal, which I don't need to belabor with her since I didn't tell her I broke up with her. I told my roommate and my colleague, Gordon Moen, and I will tell them I have taken her back.

I place here a request for an escrow of $7 billion for a measure to end all war forever.

I have a new product to be considered by the powers that be. It is a measure that will end war forever. I am asking $7 billion for it. Setting aside the question of credibility, let alone proof, of my measure being able to put an end to war, a serious negotiating state will want to calculate the equivalent capital stock in the present whose interest over time would pay for all anticipated wars engaged in by the negotiating state. Such calculations probably are a fantasy given uncertainties in politics, but an anthropological study, over a long period of time, might not be a fantasy, at least to the point of indicating that such a capital stock would by any estimate be vastly greater than $7 billion for a major power.

That leaves for consideration the question of proof that my measure will end war forever. My credentials are just about zip, me being mentally ill and all. Nevertheless, I am not so stupid as to state my measure openly and then defend it against counterarguments. I have written down succinctly and it is brief. It is not especially technical and I believe a politician could understand it in essence. The problem is escrow. How do I convince a state to make a $7 billion escrow deposit? I am confident my measure is correct in similar terms to the confidence the Manhattan Project scientists that their first atomic bomb test would work. (I recently read a book entitled, The Making of the Atomic Bomb, written by a Pulitzer Prize winner, though I don't recall if he won it for this book. I thought it was excellent. And I do have a bachelor's degree from U.C.S.C. in physics.) My confidence relates to my part of the escrow. I would have to agree to a definite criterion of success for my measure, and most likely such a criterion would have to have a very long term of application. For one thing, I haven't calculated how long it would take to work. It might not be immediate. For another, since the calculation of an estimate of the cost of past wars would best be made over a long time span, a criterion for success of my measure would best also reach a conclusion only after a long future time span.

I would have to agree to a criterion reaching completion almost certainly long after my own death, causing me to bring into my side of the negotiations a consideration of the certainty of my establishing a lasting genetic line without benefit of a realized payment. I would have to not divulge my measure not only unless the escrow deposit were made, but also not unless I was satisfied it had legal and constitutional strength lasting to the same completion time for the criterion of success. This becomes tricky because states have a tendency not to last long in anthropological terms, which is why I added constitutional strength to legal strength. I believe that if the negotiating state expects me to act in good faith on my side of the escrow, coming to terms with certainty of genetic continuation to my own satisfaction and in my own way, it will act in good faith on its, and only a constitutional provision--an amendment--would give me anything approaching certainty that future citizens of the negotiating state will abide by the terms agreed to by the current citizens.

These are heady notions given my mental illness.

One thing is clear though, the exact time at which the criterion of success of my measure would be assessed determines much of the rest of the deal. I would hope it to be soon, but keeping $7 billion in escrow for a long time would be expensive and the negotiating state would for that reason want it to be soon also.

As for providing a reason for a state to make the escrow deposit, my sole recourse at this stage of discussion is the integrity of my blog. It has been described as great by one of my associates. This gives me confidence I am going in the right direction, and to continue in pursuit of greater objectives than supply and demand allow by themselves.

Flow chart for purchasing English Transformation Art

Purchase Flow Chart

No one night stands or pornography for me any more.

I have come to the conclusion that my experience looking for girls to have sex with as an undergraduate at Yale left unsolved the question of where sex is in my life, and the temporary answer was pretty much just prostitution at a $0 per hour rate. I believe I have come reasonably closer to a real answer and it includes that one-night stands and pornography are not in my best interest. My courtship of Crystal Newell, now over, played a part in coming to this answer. If she had answered yes to the question of is she attracted to me, instead of no as it was, I could have made more progress in answering the question of where sex is in my life. I will have to make do with not being so able to progress for a while. Looking for someone to court is very different from having someone to court.

Relationship with Crystal Newell terminated

I asked my girlfriend, Crystal Newell, if she is attracted to me. She said no. So I have terminated our relationship. I won't bother to tell her unless she asks to go out for pizza again. End of story.

authority gained with test of personal validity

Authority gained by getting control of test of personal validity:

To act in the name of the victim within the most private thoughts.

Unlimited access to effects.



Cover rests in secondary matters for both.

A pause is mandated by these considerations.

City gal's means of keeping her blackball secret

In musing over the blackball city gal has constructed on me, I discovered that my own personal validity test produced a failure.

I find there are two possible consequences:

• Someone is using it.

• I'm in the last stages of preparing to die.

I note that city gal is rich by her parents. From my own experience I know that the founder of a successful business would necessarily pass through numerous episodes of desperation, increasing the chances of encountering the proximity of deciding to commit suicide, and the more of these encounters the more likely a working out of the last stages of death, including the release of the test of personal validity.

Such a solution, in the hands of a successful man or his heirs, could be turned to the craft of masking blackball or other such unlawful attacks, by superior knowledge of the solution, in comparison to both the victim and his social context. It is an extremely rare solution.

A second lesson from business success shown by city gal is combat with rivals.

Evidently this involves identifying those who would be rivals anywhere in the nation or world.

The constraints of success in my life

My social context has always been that given my good attitude and ample abilities it is only a matter of time in any given endeavor before I will succeed--provided. In earlier times "provided" meant for the most part judicious choice of endeavor. With a blackball, all this is changed. The understanding of the patrons of my social context of what "provided" entails is no longer sufficient, and I am forced to explain it to them--a laborious uncertain process that stands as an impediment which most depressingly must be tackled full-time while in the mean time no progress is going to be made on the material substance with which I must contend being blackballed.

There is in this state of affairs no blame for anyone. Yet acceptance is not helpful. I have made plenty of statements about my situation and these have not stabilized it one bit. I sit upon a precipice when I say such things, extending my sight to its limit while knowing that where I sit is only just newly established and the next extension is no more easy than the beginning was.

My adversary has labored in concealment these 29 years with probably vast resources. In heterosexual circles we do things in the open, challenging our rivals included. This kind of secret contest disgusts me. It is a mark of ignominy for the race of men.

Here is this blackball. I cannot show it to you. It is in the darkness. It preys upon my casual nature, and promises to leave in ruin all the things I have done hoping to overcome it, things for my own betterment and that of others. If I make you smile at this, just remember--they don't share your sympathy.

I am very sure I know who it is. I have done what I can to describe the circumstances of my acquaintance of her, not having her name. I know the motive--sexual rivalry. I know the nature of her means--financial wealth from her parents. I have an impression of her character--tough and capable of cruelty. She is the ideal object of war. A enormous chasm separates our camps, in method and values, and I would not be offended if the public took my disgust for her as unsavory. The public is morally shallow.

I would like to leave you with a picture of myself on my deathbed. I ask you: was this man victorious against his arch enemy, or was he defeated? The case will be judged by that far more than by the trappings of victory which I have assembled at present, and which can be seen as inconsequential. And if you read this and do not become calm and reflective and consider what I have said with grave intent, then I will die defeated. I cannot fight this fight alone.

Blackball suspect's motive may be homosexual rivalry over one of my girlfriends

I have given to the UCSC student I suspect has blackballed me the code name "city gal".

I suspected at the time I knew her that she was keeping her roommate as a gay lover. She had a hard edge to her.

It is possible she was jealous of me bing with my girlfriend, Mary Nolin, or other girls or a girl, and used the party issue as a front. If so, the blackball is a rivalry.

The blackballer caused the loosening of my front tooth, and being able to knock loose a guy's tooth is not something you would expect of a heterosexual girl.

My attackers in Santa Cruz were male equivalents of her roommate and Mary--tall, blond, and young. She evidently has a thing for that type of person.

My fight in Santa Cruz, CA.

My fight on the streets of Santa Cruz, CA., in 1981 was at the corner of Pacific and Soquel, starting on Soquel.

A diagram for the internet

I have drawn my schematic of the internet, above. I don't believe anyone else has tried to do this. It's pretty simple, really, but since no one has made so simple, yet unobvious, a statement, I thought it was worth publishing.

I drew the figure a long time ago, for independent reasons. It represents the growth of logic, and the logic of growth. It does seem, at least to me, to represent also the growth so far in the internet, as the notes on the diagram indicate. Each stage--there are four of them in this version, but more can be derived--comprises all the prior stages within it. The encirclements grow in development in a logical manner.

In the top stage, the encirclement is marked in two places, once by a line and once by a point. I conceive of these as preferred entrances of preferred sites. Over time it becomes apparent some sites are preferred, because they better express the value of the web than others.

Can you infer what the next stage is like? And the one after that? Etc....

the organization which named me first

I have to clarify, to the extent I am able, what I know about the organization which named me as "first". The Chicago Mafia is not the end of it. There is a part of it which is fully legal, yet has all the power of the criminal division, and moreso. I know nothing of its history. All I observe is that there is a controlling hand at work in America, and that I am given first consideration within my own sphere of activity. This is not autocratic power in my hands. It is enlightened response by someone else to my efforts. I maintain complete legality in my own actions. I inform my actions with the knowledge that nothing I do will be unnoticed. By that criterion I assume responsibility for making things better. It is not a matter of dreaming up schemes. It is a matter of reducing the plethora of confusing impressions to a simple expression of underlying truths, based on experience and reason. It is not easy work.

More than this is difficult to say.

A mystery guest who knows my English ancestry--what they need to know

There is a large mystery guest looking on over me. I think it's somebody who is familiar with my English ancestors. They didn't like what I did at Yale or anything after that. I won't waste their time defending those times. Instead, I point out that in 1981 I had a fight with several young men in Santa Cruz, CA that created a very different constituency for me and anyone who wants to know what I'm doing now needs to know about that fight.

I didn't feign from taking their assault. I was a target because I was homeless, sleeping on a bus bench, in the middle of the night. After seveal minutes they were unable to beat me, though I took a blow. Under cover of night they could have killed me. As a homeless, no one would have investigated. But as the winner, because I walked away without fear, and their intent was totally thwarted, I gained the respect of Santa Cruz youth--one of them came to me after the fight, when I told the kicker that I was unhurt, shaking my hand and said, "Welcome to Santa Cruz!" despite the lingering presence of the attackers. I believe the movie trilogy, "Karate Kid" is a spinoff of this fight, which I am unabashedly proud of, as the portrayal of the central character is quite glamorous, and his teacher quite wise.

I feel confident I have acted in good faith to my performance in the fight, and have made it pay off in social terms by enabling me to be tapped by the Chicago Mafia as a kingpin, a distinction that is rare in anyone's book, regardless of all the unsavory preceding events of mental breakdown and loss of home, and the failures in astronomy and architecture. I am advancing on several fronts as I write, as a recognized king of Chicago.

The mystery guest needs to check these claims out. Much potential is being wasted by their continuing refusal to admit me to national renown, which I believe is their territorial pleasure. None of the groups that have indicated they are following me is able to bring renown without some assurances of backup by the mystery guest.

I believe it is a matter of honor, but also of impact, denied. I refuse to allow my claims to be described as vanity, for which reason I go on at length when I describe my distinctions, to reassure the audience that I am basically a humble guy who just happened to be confronted with great odds, and became a champion most reluctantly, but refuses not to serve as requested in response to these distinctions, and finds the lack of cooperation of the mystery guest quite irksome, but how would they know about the fight in Santa Cruz unless I told them and they checked it out.

bias towards failure in random events pursuant to business success

I am noticing that in action in pursuit of business success there is a bias in supposedly random mistakes and errors toward failure. I interpret this as indication of my presence on a blacklist. It is an unexpected component of the pursuit of success, but must be accepted as a challenge and dealt with just like all the others.

However, there is a difference between this challenge and the others. The assumption of privacy that extends over all aspects of the life of the person is cast as questionable. The assumption is very deep, both in the mind and in the outer world. It motivates the criminal as well as the lawful citizen. In this it is a statement of assumption about the entire world, that although peering eyes exist, the public is essentially a blind environment, and peering eyes have limited scope and range.

In my experience, seeing random events tend toward failure, this blindness is a false presumption. An entity which operates an eye of universal range in the public way probably began doing it as a defense against crime, in a commercial context. Once such a capacity is developed there is nothing to prevent its being applied to personal vendettas. In it's essence, it is itself criminal, the apex of a criminal hierarchy. The law prohibits such universal seeing.

I have stated in my videos in the sidebar that I have evidence the U.S. government acknowledges certain entities as monarchical, existing within the United States. I myself testify to my belonging to such a monarchical entity, the Italian Mafia. This entity does in fact have universal seeing, and could if it wanted introduce a bias toward failure in the random events in the life of someone it held a personal vendetta against. It is my belief that it does not do this, that its intentions are more noble than that, and that it uses its all-seeing powers to strengthen the American nation, and for this reason the U.S. government legitimizes its existence. Perhaps the entity which leads me into failure has a non-criminal component that gets it the access it needs to produce its own all-seeingness, and the fact that it is operating a blacklist is either generously disregarded or is well hidden.

My history of operation in the Mafia is brief and the mutual understanding of operations held between myself and my associates is very limited. While the whole organization must have considerable understanding of allseeingness, I do not have the experience with it, nor do my associates, that they do. Therefore my contention with this threat requires me to lay out a view of this problem from the ground up, and that is what I am doing at present.

I must assume that until I explore an issue in print, it cannot be assumed to be a part of the dialog between me and the broader reaches of my associates. The broader reaches need to be informed of considerable material relating to my operations in order for them to assess the strength of my position, the merits of my claims, and the potential of their abilities in alliance with my own. Much of this is latent in my mind, awaiting expression for myself to realize it, as well as for the broader reaches to first encounter it. This fact is neither a promise of grand plans nor an introduction to specific designs. Frankly, I have no idea what I have in mind. But neither do I forbid myself from any plan or design that might come upon me.

My primary concern at this point is converting my potential into success. Bias towards failure is the nature of the game at present. We will see what progress can be made against it.

Crystal is a straight A student.

In talking with Crystal, my girlfriend, over dinner last Tuesday I learned that she is a straight A student. She does have some B's, but mostly A's. Also, she has all honors classes. Her last year was the junior year in high school. It's not clear if she completed it. The reason she had to leave school was internal medical problems. I don't know yet what the basis is for her residence at Bryn Mawr Care, our nursing home, or her mental illness diagnosis, which I assume she has.

pulsed numbers

My code is a system of pulsed numbers. For example:

one: |
two: ||
three: |||
etc.

What could be simpler, right?

But I am greedy. I want to represent zero.

Ho Ho, you say. That's impossible.

Well suppose I did it. What would this accomplish?

It would establish placeness. Zero holds a place. That's all it does. It doesn't specify a value. But if I succeed in representing it with a pulsed number, that number specifies place holding for that number, in other words, a number base system.

If the pulsed number I succeed in representing zero with is N, then the base of the number base system it represents is N. I can expect then that no pulses greater than N will occur in a multipulse sample. And in fact, this is exactly how I establish a size of pulse for zero: it is the largest of all pulses occurring in a multipulse sample.

So if I listen to a star in the sky which I suspect is the home system to a race of intelligent creatures who want to inform the galaxy that they are intelligent, I will look for a multipulse sample with a largest pulse size, because such a sample proves this race uses place values for numbers. I would look for the sample to repeat and I would use my place value interpretation to tell me what number is being represented and I will compare that number to my inventory of transcendental numbers, such as pi and e.

I don't need to know how to decode the signal to get numbers. It will just be a pulse. Nothing heavy technologically.

Why aren't we sending pi like this ourselves?

I suggest we do so. Time is wasting.

My high school 40 year reunion was this past weekend and what a success it was! Every person gave me a deep impression, and all of them, to a man or woman, seemed ten times the persons they were in high school.

One high point was talking with the man who was the first purchaser of English transformation art from this blog. It was that purchase which enabled me to attend the reunion. We had a great conversation, and he exhorted me to write my memoirs, which, thanks to him, I plan to do.

Another attendee has said she wants to purchase an artwork, so I am feeling golden just about now.

Olympic bid of Chicago

I heartily encourage all Chicagoans to do their personal part in convincing the International Olympic Committee to vote for our bid as host city for the 2026 Summer Games.

Play Bingo with my HP33S/HP35S Shuffle program!

I have placed on scribd.com a template for a Bingo checksheet to check off numbers as they are called randomly using my HP33S/HP35S Shuffle program. This is a much easier way to call Bingo numbers than the old cage and balls method, and there are no balls to lose, too!

See the sidebar, just above the Shuffle program Paypal button, for details. The Bingo checksheet template is available here.

Why H. sapiens struggles without knowing why

The central reason H. sapiens struggles without knowing why is that he thinks others see everything he thinks he is when he speaks. Over time he becomes more convinced he has a certain identity whereas actually what he has is an expanding collection of permissions to set aside facts. The unknowingness this produces can be discovered fairly easily and long ago women did so and applied it to their sexual ambitions. This is the origin of glamor.

It is possible that Mohammad made this discovery. Islam's defenses against women developing glamor may be motivated by it. The militancy of these defenses indicates the workings of an informed directorate. However, Islam has not solved the central problem, which is the spread of the spoken of error into the population.